Christmas Gifts For The Truly Deserving

It’s a tired cliche.  Every year around this time, writers from all over the world pretend to be Santa Claus for just one column, offering gifts to numerous celebrities in numerous fields of public life.  How sickening.  How appalling.  How ridiculous.
 
Here’s my list:
 
To Pam Anderson:  A decent man who isn’t famous.
 
To Lorrie Goldstein:  A chill pill.
 
To Christopher Hitchens:  Humility and a comb.
 
To Antonia Zerbisias:  The courage to criticize her newspaper more often, especially when they ruined Christmas for 85 of its parent company’s employees.  Someone needs to be a voice for the wrongly dismissed.
 
To Britney Spears:  Common sense.  And my phone number.
 
To Eric Margolis:  A raise.
 
To Suri Cruise:  A happy childhood and lots of privacy.
 
To Steve Nash:  An NBA Championship.
 
To The Red Hot Chili Peppers:  The Grammy award for Album Of The Year.
 
To The Strokes:  Higher album sales.
 
To Paris Hilton:  Permanent obscurity.
 
To Donald Trump:  Permanent baldness.  (He’s incapable of having a good hair day.)
 
To the citizens of New Orleans:  Their city back.
 
To OJ Simpson:  A special, reserved seat in hell.
 
To The Goldman and Brown Families:  Piece of mind and OJ’s money.
 
To Lindsay Lohan:  A tutor.  And my phone number.
 
To Dina Lohan:  Parenting skills.  And my phone number. 
 
To Ann Coulter:  A sense of decency.
 
To Rachel Marsden:  A new line of work.
 
To Michael Coren:  Respect for gay people, atheists and all others who possess more intelligence than he does.
 
To Kirstie Alley:  A lifetime supply of make-up and a slimmer figure.
 
To Bill Brioux:  Another gig writing critically about TV.
 
To Val Gibson:  The return of her missing cat.  And my phone number.
 
To Warren Kinsella:  A litigation-free 2007 and piece of mind.
 
To The Green Party:  Electoral victories in 2007.
 
To Howard Stern:  His entire terrestrial radio audience.
 
To Artie Lange:  Permanent sobriety and an appointment with Jenny Craig.
 
To Dick Cheney:  Better aim.
 
To President Bush:  A dose of reality.
 
To Rachel Giese:  An attraction to guys.  And my phone number.
 
To Prime Minister Harper:  An effective environmental policy.
 
To Blogger Fading To Black:  A new job and the courage to identify yourself.
 
To The Troops:  Plane tickets home.
 
To Lt. Gov. James Bartleman:  A lifetime extension so he may continue to spread goodwill to natives in Ontario.
 
To The Edmonton Oilers:  A better power play.
 
To Bryan McCabe:  A pay cut until he learns how to be a better defenceman.
 
To the members of the FCC and CRTC:  Layoff notices.
 
To Sherri Wood:  More writing assignments, a raise and my phone number.
 
To laid-off Sun Media and TorStar employees:  New jobs in a less hostile working environment.
 
To Katie Rees (former Miss Nevada):  Two shoulders to cry on.  And my phone number.
 
To Jennifer Aniston:  A hug.  And my phone number.
 
To Michael J. Fox:  A cure for Parkinson’s.
 
To Tara Conner (Miss USA):  My phone number.  (Bring Miss Teen USA.)
 
To Gov. Schwarzenegger:  A speedy recovery.
 
To Mia Farrow:  Canonization.
 
To Johnny Rotten:  Class.
 
To Premier McGuinty and The Ontario Liberals:  Unemployment.
 
To Roger Ebert:  A speedy recovery.
 
Merry Christmas, everyone.
 
Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Sunday, December 24, 2006
5:06 p.m. 
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