A Straight Guy’s Take On Boston Phoenix’s Latest Unsexy Men List

Poor Artie Lange.  He’s ballooned to 300 pounds (he looks like Fat Elvis when he wears shades while clean shaven), he can’t beat his addictions to junk food and gambling, and now he’s considered the 70th least sexy celebrity this year.  Well, at least he wasn’t number one.
The Boston Phoenix has once again compiled its list of the 100 least sexy celebrity males (one of whom is actually a female).  It’s controversial, in poor taste, incredibly cruel and often, absolutely hilarious.  You end up feeling sorry for some of the names that made the list.  Emphasis on “some”.
Howard Stern’s sidekick got off pretty easy, all things considered.  (Too bad his last name was misspelled.)  Being compared to Bluto from National Lampoon’s Animal House, one of Artie’s favourite all-time films, isn’t the worst thing in the world to happen to him.  (Think heroin, losing Dana, being institutionalized.)
As for the rest, well, let’s just hope they have a sense of humour and thick skin.  Really thick skin.
As a straight guy who could care less about the sex appeal of dudes, famous or otherwise, it’s practically impossible to get upset with the choices here.  Most of them are right on the money.  (The number 45 selection, The Duke LaCrosse Team, however, is a low blow.  Haven’t those guys suffered enough over the last year?  I’m not so sure “rent[ing] a couple of cut-rate strippers” is evidence of “having no game whatsoever.”.  It’s not right to bash those guys after the hell they’ve been through.)
So, how in the hell do you come up with a list like this?  According to the fearless BP staff members who put it together, unattractive physical features weren’t the only criteria.  Exhibiting boorish behaviour and possessing an obnoxious personality were also strong selling points.
Here are some of the funniest lines from the article:
95. Patrick Stump (from Fall Out Boy):
“If that pudge-gutted, receding-hairlined, mutton-chopped marionette wants to get laid, we recommend a case of Slim-Fast, a couple of Motörhead records, and the retrieval of his balls from whatever jar [bandmate Pete] Wentz keeps them in.”
88. Erik Estrada
“Was Ponch.  Now Paunch.”
86. John Popper (lead singer of Blues Traveler)
“The kind of lard-ass who, on a good day, probably smells like month-old lunchmeat.”
85. John Basedow (fitness expert – “Fitness Made Simple”)
“It’s as if someone took Lou Ferigno’s [sic] pecks and stapled them to a Ken doll — a sight that never fails to send us groping for the remote in mid retch.”
84. Devendra Banhart (musician)
“Squeeze him and out comes a sound like Tiny Tim getting gang-raped by a syphilitic 1930s Kentucky jug band.”
76. Male Editorial Staff Of The Boston Phoenix (“Journalistic embarrassment”)
“Tattered. Poor. Smelly. Their manhood is measured in picas.”
66. Rush Limbaugh
“One-time pill-popping tub o’ lard.”
63. Chad Kroeger (lead singer of Nickelback and number 2 on this list in 2006)
“He looks like a lion crossbred with a chicken.”
54. Dr. Phil McGraw
“Two parts smug empathy, six parts self-satisfied gloat, this unsolicited life coach to the universe has all the charm of flatulence in a bathtub.”
48. Alan Colmes (from Fox’s Hannity & Colmes)
“[H]e made the list because he looks like Rocky Dennis, Cher’s son in Mask.”
26. Robert Novak
“Unattractive even for the liver-spotted set, this toad-like shill for the GOP jump-started the CIA-leak case by outing Valerie Plame as a Langley operative.”
22. Bruce Vilanch (comedy writer)
“He toured with Streisand, but looks like he’d be more at home on the road with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem: he’s like Animal with specs, if Animal was the size of a parade float.”
12. Karl Lagerfeld (legendary fashion designer)
“Almost makes [Don] Imus seem sexy.”
10. Carl (a cartoon character from the show Aqua Teen Hunger Force)
“Wife-beater + upper-arm hair + bald pate + flip-flops + bad mustache = still sexier than Bob Dylan.”
In case you were wondering, Donald Trump was number one.
Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Thursday, April 12, 2007
9:48 p.m.
Published in: on April 12, 2007 at 9:51 pm  Leave a Comment  

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