The Catholic Church Hates Car Sex

The Associated Press has an interesting story about The Catholic Church.  The Vatican has announced an updated version of The Ten Commandments, specifically for drivers.  (You can read the story, which includes the complete list, here.)
Remarkably, most of them are rather reasonable.  (This is The Catholic Church, after all, an organization with a long history of insane ideas.)  They cover safety, respect for other drivers, charity and compassion for those wounded in accidents and other sensible edicts that don’t really qualify as commandments, or edicts, for that matter.  Basically, good, intelligent drivers already know this stuff.
Then, there’s this one, number five:
"Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin."
Translation:  We don’t care how much women get turned on by your sweet ride, no fucking in the back seat, buddy.
Really, this isn’t terribly surprising from an organization that has long had difficulty accepting the realities of human sexuality.  Let’s go through the list, shall we?  Sex outside of marriage?  (That sounds like too much fun.)  Gay sex?  (That’s an exit, not an entrance.)  Safe sex?  (Eww, condoms.)  Masturbation?  (Too weird.  We’ll stick with child molestation, thank you.)
You get the idea.
It wasn’t always like this.  Before a major change in the 4th Century, Catholic priests were free to marry and raise families as they wished.  But because The Church liked the idea of inheriting valuable crap from its servants, the only way to make that happen was to prevent future ministers of God any opportunity to create heirs, the rightful, future owners of their stuff.  As a result, The Church became very wealthy, acquiring the possessions of its deceased priests.  Good luck changing things back.
But back to that bizarre commandment.  It speaks to the heart of the problem with The Church and with hardcore religion, as well.  There’s this long discredited idea that sex is a bad thing, that touching yourself in a provocative way is sinful, that getting it on consensually with another adult is immoral (unless it’s with your heterosexual wife or husband and you’re trying to create a new Catholic) and that being an actively gay man or woman is the worst thing you can be.  Even moderate conservatives know that’s a bunch of bullshit.
The Catholic Church has long had one thing going for it:  irrational fear.  And we’ve all lost count the number of times they’ve used it to try to prevent people anywhere in the world from exploring their sexuality and ultimately, to feel better about themselves.  The best way to counter their sexual propaganda has always been to know the truth.  That’s what made Alfred Kinsey’s groundbreaking studies in the 1940s and 1950s so important.  It forever changed the way we few ourselves and our sex lives, and, thankfully, reduced the power of fear spread by The Church.  As Kinsey, the excellent 2004 biopic, noted, human sexuality is much more than just marital babymaking, and it also includes boffing in cars.
I’ve not had the pleasure of doing anything "inappropriate" in a vehicle, whether it’s stationary or on the move, and I know I’m missing out.  So many people have so many entertaining stories to tell about fooling around in an automobile, especially when they were eager and curious teenagers.  I’m not one of them but I’d like to be, now that I’m far more comfortable with sex.
Nevertheless, isn’t it about time The Catholic Church acknowledged that they’ve long been wrong about sex, especially in cars?  They can’t be that stubborn, can they? 
Never mind.
Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
5:29 p.m.
Published in: on June 19, 2007 at 5:29 pm  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. i didn’t know that is the reason they can’t have families. But it makes total sense. Also, the 4th century’ish was when the church was still laying out the “rules” of Catholicism… specifically the details of Christianity. The church was trying to create a religion that would maximise their control over people. The rising “outlawed” faith of christians was getting too big to suppress, so they legalized it, and tried to control it. I would say mission accomplished since the Vatican itself is a fully recognised COUNTRY.

  2. Great comment, man.  The stuff about the 4th Century rule change came from an episode of Sex TV.

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