Laura Dern, I’m Here For You

You’ve just received the worst news of your entire life.  The man you’ve spent a decade with wants out of your five-year marriage and you’re probably reeling from this sudden rejection.  You thought everything was going ok but you were wrong.  Now you need a strong shoulder to cry on, a rock to guide you through this jagged emotional terrain, a steady fellow to ease your confused mind.

Laura Dern, I’m here for you.  Sure, I’m shaped like a toothpick, disappear when I turn sideways and laugh like a tortured hyena but you’d feel safe in my underdeveloped arms.  You could confide in me all the sadness, anger and frustration this recently unexpected development has no doubt brought out of you.  And I would listen to your every word.  I’m Canadian, after all.  It’s in the brochure.

I’d have an endless supply of tissues at the ready whenever you cry.  Feeling insecure?  I’d reassure you at every turn.  At 43, you’re still a youthful, blonde, blue-eyed beauty with a winning smile and an intelligent disposition.  Plus, you always come across as a warm human being.  We’d bond over our heights.

I’d remind you of your Academy Award nomination for Rambling Rose (we could watch it together since I’ve never seen it) and your fine performances in Jurassic Park, Jurassic Park III, October Sky and A Perfect World (we could watch those, too).  You could tell funny stories about your late godmother, Shelley Winters and your parents, Diane Ladd and Bruce Dern.  I’d love to hear you talk about your career, especially your appearance on the coming out episode of Ellen.  Talking about other stuff would give you a break from feeling sad.

Or you could even badmouth your exes including you-know-who for as long as you’d like and I wouldn’t hold it against you.  You have every right to be angry.  I’d join in the bashing.  Or leave you to it.  Whatever you prefer.

We could go dancing (I like to wiggle), have dinner or just chill.  Or we could break stuff and pretend it’s your husband.  We could go to a bar and throw darts at his picture.  Or we could hammer his music.  (If it helps at all, I didn’t like his 1995 CD, Fight For Your Mind.  His work is not welcome in my personal collection.)

You could talk about your charity work, most notably your association with Healthy Child Healthy World or we could argue about Barack Obama’s Presidency.  The latter topic would bring out a lot of passion in the both of us.  Passion is good, young lady, and it leads to, shall we say, enlightening scenarios of release.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you’ll feel better, that you’re able to resolve this issue quickly and gracefully, especially for the sake of your two kids, and that in time, you’ll find peace and move on with your life.

In the meantime, I’ll leave you with this parting couplet:

Don’t be sad and don’t be blue.
Laura Dern, I’m here for you.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Monday, October 11, 2010
1:51 p.m.

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Published in: on October 11, 2010 at 1:51 pm  Leave a Comment  

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