Christina Aguilera, I’m Here For You

You were a teenage pixie in the late 90s.  A little woman with a big, powerful voice.  A blonde latina who screamed hot, stinky sex.  World domination was inevitable.

Then, in the next decade, while in your early 20s, you met a guy who looks like Dave Gahan and appeared to be on the road to marital bliss.  You even made a baby together.  But after 8 years of togetherness, you’ve recently separated from your husband of five years.

Christina Aguilera, I’m here for you.  Rather than drift back into that awful depression you experienced years ago (all thanks to that awful, abusive father of yours you’ve wisely stayed away from), hang out with me instead.  We could serenade each other.  You’d show off your impressive pipes and I would reveal the severe limitations of my own.  Certainly worth a laugh or two.  We could rock out to my CD player or look for a Karaoke place.  Your choice.

You could enlighten me about Etta James, your favourite singer, and I could introduce you to some cool Canadian stuff in my CD collection.  We could talk about music all night long.  Or we could watch The Sound Of Music, one of your favourite movies.  (I’ve never seen it.)

I’d love to hear you tell stories about your days in The Mickey Mouse Club.  Or you could talk about your pet causes like your welcome support for gay rights (particularly gay marriage), environmental protections and victims of domestic violence not to mention the fights against breast cancer, AIDS and world hunger.  You’re quite the philanthropist and you could spend hours enlightening me on all these important causes.

Or we could go out dancing.  I have a lot of jiggle in my wiggle.  How ’bout we re-enact the Dirty video?  I’ll wear the assless chaps.

I would pay you endless compliments about your beauty, your soft, sexy speaking voice, and all the good work you’re doing on the charity front.  I would help you forget all about your separation.

Then again, maybe this isn’t a permanent split.  Maybe you’ll be able to work things out with Mr. Bratman.  (He seems like a nice guy.)  Hopefully, your little one will be ok, too.

In the meantime, I offer you this:

Don’t give in to sadness, whatever you do.
Christina Aguilera, I’m here for you.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
11:18 p.m.

UPDATE: It’s a permanent split.  Divorce papers have been filed.  I’m still here for you, Christina.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Thursday, October 14, 2010
6:08 p.m.

Published in: on October 12, 2010 at 11:18 pm  Leave a Comment  

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