Katy Perry: Another Hot Girl I Won’t Be Getting

Oh, Katy Perry.  You big-eyed, big-bosomed pop star, you.  You had to do it.  You had to become unavailable and unattainable.  You had to break my heart by marrying a recovering sex addict.  That really hurts.

And now, we won’t be getting together.  I’ll never get to experience what your new husband is lucky enough to enjoy now:  the pleasure of your company. 

I’ll never learn firsthand about your struggles to make it in the record business (you were signed to 4 labels in almost a decade) and how you began as a Christian performer who gradually evolved into the sexually charged hitmaker you’ve become.  I’ll never become fodder for your material.  I’ll never be your muse.

I’ll never get to experience the sheer excitement of seeing you bouncing up and down for no reason whatsoever.  I’ll never learn why your chesty existence is too much for puppets.  And I’ll never be honoured with a private, impromptu performance.  Maybe you would’ve belted out something from an Italian opera.

Oh, the fun we could’ve had, Katy.  The long, intimate talks.  The quiet strolls down the street with my right hand in your left.  The endless makeout sessions.  The anatomical explorations. 

Your loss.

But alas, you’ve chosen another, someone far more experienced in these matters than this timid Canadian.  And yeah, I know.  The British accent is irresistible.  I get it.  And he’s employed.  And not living at home.  You’re killing me here.

How cool it would’ve been to help you catch up with the history of rock after a strict childhood deprived you of its emotional highs and comforting, cathartic tones.  I’d introduce you to some fantastic Canadian groups like Mobile, The Arcade Fire, Billy Talent and so many others, past and present.  You would learn so much so quickly.  (I seduce through useless trivia.)  We would bond over Jagged Little Pill, an important influence on your songwriting.

I’ll never learn about your experience within the perfume business.  (I like the name you’ve chosen for your upcoming fragrance:  Purr.  Sounds cute.)  And I’ll certainly be missing out on all the inside information you’re sure to have after making your feature film debut in The Smurfs next year.  I’m dying to know what you’ll look like as Smurfette.  I’m sure Elmo would faint at the sight of you.

We could’ve been something together, Lady Katherine.  But you’ve chosen a different path.  Hopefully, it’s the one that leads you to a lifetime of happiness.

It’s just as well.  When you’re a neurotic honky, you’re always fretting.  Katy Perry, you’re another hot girl I won’t be getting.

(Congratulations on your new marriage and good luck with your career.)

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Sunday, October 24, 2010
2:58 p.m.
Published in: on October 24, 2010 at 2:58 pm  Leave a Comment  

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