I Love Your Jugs The Way They Are

Here’s another song parody that was in consideration for that 2000 Howard Stern contest. 

Three lines popped into my head one day (“Don’t get implants/You don’t need them/I love your jugs the way they are”) and I wrote them down.  From there, I tried coming up with a complete lyric.  The original plan was to pay tribute to Lisa Nicole Carson, this incredibly busty actress who you might remember from the show Ally McBeal.  (She played Calista Flockhart’s sexy roommate.)

I imagined a scenario where she was insecure about her size and therefore contemplated having them enhanced surgically.  (I know it sounds ridiculous but stick with me here.)  The lyrics were a silly but heartfelt plea for her to not do this.

I wrote several verses but the parody remained unfinished.  When Ally McBeal signed off for good in 2002, Carson disappeared with it.  She hasn’t been seen on screen since.

Several years later, I dropped the one line that mentioned her name and attempted to make the lyric more general and less specific.  Despite completing a few verses and the middle eight section, it was only halfway done and once again abandoned.

After posting the Hey Bulldog parody recently, however, I came back to it again hoping to finally finish it off.  Eleven years after it began, I Love Your Jugs The Way They Are, a goof on Billy Joel’s Just The Way You Are (recently heard at a grocery store the other day), is now complete.  The original premise has been maintained and while a number of lines have survived the original draft, there have been extensive revisions and additions. 

In a time with so much sadness (war, disease, natural disasters, racial and sexual hatred), maybe what many of us need right now is a silly song parody about convincing insecure women to embrace and accept their jugs the way they are.

(Parody of Just The Way You Are)
By Dennis Earl

Don’t go changing your lovely boobies
They’ve never let me down before
I love to squeeze them
And check for cancer
But you won’t show them anymore

You’re a woman with massive mountains
Even when I look from afar
I’ll take your B-cups
Don’t get G-cups
I love your jugs the way they are

Don’t go stuffing your sweater puppies
They’re barking loud enough right now
You always have my complete attention
I’m always thinking, “Oh, wow!”

I don’t want you to feel lacklustre
Your bouncy melons aren’t subpar
I just require a decent handful
I love your jugs the way they are

You need to know that I will always see
Someone better than all the rest
Oh, what will it take for you to let it be
And love your healthy, juicy chest?

I said I love you and your cannons
And this I promise from the heart
It doesn’t matter how big your rack is
I love your jugs the way they are 

Don’t go changing your enormous whoppers
They are beautiful as they are
Don’t get implants
You don’t need them
I love your jugs the way they are

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
4:31 p.m.

Published in: on March 23, 2011 at 4:31 pm  Comments (1)  

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  1. Just The Way You Are – Billy Joel…

    “Just the Way You Are” is a song by Billy Joel from his 1977 album, The Stranger. It was Joel’s first US Top 10 (reaching #3) and UK Top 20 single, as well as Joel’s first gold single in the US. “Just the Way You Are……

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