Ginnifer Goodwin, I’m Here For You

People Magazine has reported the sad news.  Your engagement is off.  According to an anonymous inside source, it happened less than a month ago.  I’m sure you’re greatly disappointed.

Ginnifer Goodwin, I’m here for you.  Why go through this difficult time alone when there’s a smitten Canadian just waiting to cheer you up?  Sure, I’m a neurotic Gentile who leads a double life as a totem pole but you’d be in good hands.  Comfortable and less unhappy.

It’s clear, judging by what I’ve read about you, that in the long run, we don’t want the same things.  (You’re more than eager to get married and procreate.  I’d rather just have a girlfriend.)  So, why don’t we put those pesky differences aside and just have fun together?  I could be your rebound, eh?

I’m sure you have tons of inside stories about your thriving acting career.  (Congratulations on that, by the way.)  I’d love to know about your experience on Big Love, a show we could watch together since I’ve never seen a single episode.  (What’s your view on polygamy?  I’m against it.) 

You were hilarious and sexy in the otherwise uneven Win A Date With Tad Hamilton!, the first time I’ve ever took notice of your abilities.  If I were in your ex Topher Grace’s shoes, as lovely and sweet as Kate Bosworth is in that movie, I would’ve chosen you instead.  Your character seemed a lot more fun and confident.  Similiar to the real you, I wonder?

What characters did you voice on Robot Chicken?  (What’s your relationship like with your sister, Melissa, who is an animator on that show?)  Any aspirations to do feature-length animated movies?  It might be a lucrative way to branch out beyond romantic comedies.

Speaking of that, I’m curious about what you thought of He’s Just Not That Into You, a film I disliked intensely.  Last year, I wrote a review of it in this space and wondered why you got saddled with such an unappealing character to play.  Even your natural charm couldn’t compensate for such a poorly written role.  You and everybody else in that disaster deserved better.  The only positive thing about it was that it made money and gave you a higher profile.  Without it, you’d probably wouldn’t be where you are today, right?

If talking about the biz and your career in particular aren’t your bag (understandable since you probably talk about it every day), why don’t we bond over our health issues?  I didn’t know you struggled with obesity in your youth.  (How did Weight Watchers help you with balance and limits?)  I have had the opposite problem.  I’m too thin.  Blame my numerous food intolerances.  How come the vegetarian thing didn’t work out?  I’ve always wondered whether I could do that.  I’m guessing, like you, I wouldn’t be able to stick it out as you admitted to Jimmy Kimmel.

Speaking of all of that, what was your experience like being the spokeswoman for Adopt-A-Turkey, a program put together by the 25-year-old animal rights organization, Farm Sanctuary?  How many turkeys did you actually adopt and do you still have them?  Bet you have entertaining stories about all of that.

Regardless of what you decide, young lady, I hope you will be okay despite not going through with your original plans.  You’re a total shiksa, a talented actor, and I wish you nothing but success in your future endeavours.  (I hope you have a happy birthday tomorrow, too.)

And with that, I offer you this:

When hoping for relief from someone new
Ginnifer Goodwin, I’m here for you

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Saturday, May 21, 2011
4:18 p.m.

CORRECTION:  It must be the heat.  It was actually one year ago, not two, that I posted my review of He’s Just Not That Into You.  Therefore, “Two years ago” has been replaced with “Last year”.  Also, I’ve added a hyperlink to the original review in the text.  I regret the error.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Saturday, May 21, 2011
8:52 p.m.

Published in: on May 21, 2011 at 4:18 pm  Comments (1)  

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  1. […] political and pop culture commentaries.  I’ve also reached out to the likes of Demi Moore, Ginnifer Goodwin, Olivia Wilde and Jennifer Lopez, four beautiful actors now back on the market, who clearly need […]

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