Jennifer Lopez, I’m Here For You

I just heard the terrible news.  After seven years of legal matrimony, your latest marriage has fizzled.  How awful for you.  You must be completely heartbroken. 

Jennifer Lopez, I’m here for you.  Sure, I don’t possess any Latino heat, especially when I take my shirt off, nor can I salsa like nobody’s business.  But because of my severe wiggleitis, you won’t know the difference.

We could dance the night away in your time of need.  You could wear something sparkly.  I’ll slide into my thong.  With a big assist from the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack all the pain you’re currently feeling will easily slip away.  You can even feel me up while we boogie.

If your self-esteem has been shattered, let me put it back together with endless compliments.  You were warm and sympathetic in The Cell, sexy and smart in Out Of Sight, and sweetly beguiling in Jack.  I also enjoyed My Family, the best movie you’ve appeared in to date.  (I’m a bit behind with your oeuvre.)

You look at least ten years younger than your age, your smile lights up every room you walk into and your sculpted legs could split a midget’s body in half.  No one dresses sexier than you, young lady.  You’re the best cure for erectile dysfunction. 

How am I doing?  Too much?  Let’s move on.

You must have lots of great anecdotes about working with Jack Nicholson, Robin Williams, Robert Redford, Jane Fonda, Jon Voight, Richard Gere, Ralph Fiennes, George Clooney and Sean Penn.  I could listen to you talk about your moviemaking experiences for hours.  Then again, I could also massage your spectacular ass for hours but I digress.

We could bond over our abandoned dance careers.  Long before you broke through as an actor and singer, you strutted your stuff in rap videos.  Long before I started this blog, I was the master of the flap ball change. 

Long before you became famous playing the slain Tejano singer, Selena, you were a back-up dancer for New Kids On The Block.  Long before I started The Writings Of Dennis Earl on Windows Live Spaces, I was a tap dancing Berenstein Bear. 

And long before you released your first album (which has sold more than six million copies), you were a Fly Girl.  Long before I became a blogger, I was a Boogie Woogie Bakery Boy.  Good times.

I’d love to know what really happened to you and Diddy that night of the infamous nightclub shooting, why your TLC reality series never happened and whether your experience as an American Idol judge has been a positive one.  (I wouldn’t mind hearing some dirt on Steven Tyler, come to think of it.  What’s his deal?)  I’m also curious about your Cuban restaurant Madre’s.  Anything on the menu I would enjoy?  And how come your childhood nickname was The Supernova?

Like a lot of celebrities, you make room for philanthropy in your busy schedule.  Why do you support Children’s Hospital Los Angeles?  Why is that a cause that’s dear to your heart?  Speaking of that, is there any chance you can take a meeting with that dope Jenny McCarthy and explain to her why vaccinations are so important and not easily dismissable?  The entire world thanks you in advance.

Whatever you decide to do, Jennifer, I hope you and your twins will be ok during this difficult time.  You’ve been here before and you’ll make it through.

And with that, I leave you with this:

If you’re in need of solace or a warm body to screw
Jennifer Lopez, I’m here for you.

P.S.  I haven’t seen Gigli.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Friday, July 15, 2011
11:18 p.m.

Published in: on July 15, 2011 at 11:18 pm  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. […] an appropriately worshipful report from the Dennis Earl blog, here. Also: Discuss Jennifer Lopez femdom the Femdom City Forum — the Mother of all Femdom […]

  2. […] I’ve also reached out to the likes of Demi Moore, Ginnifer Goodwin, Olivia Wilde and Jennifer Lopez, four beautiful actors now back on the market, who clearly need to be held by an underweight […]

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