Demi Moore, I’m Here For You

It didn’t work out with Emilio Estevez.  (Your engagement to him was called off.)  Your first marriage to singer Freddy Moore only lasted 5 years.  (Curious how you kept his last name, though.)  After more than a decade together, you had a much better run with Bruce Willis.  (That union produced three daughters.)  Now marriage number three is kaput.

Forget about that bearded loser who can’t make a good movie to save his life.  Forget about that immature assclown who can’t stay faithful to you.  Forget about his stupid TV shows.  Demi Moore, I’m here for you.  I don’t play elaborate pranks, I don’t cheat and I never liked Two And A Half Men.

Have you ever gone target shooting?  We could blow up big pictures of your soon-to-be ex and blast away for hours.  It would be a great way for you to blow off steam over his remarkable stupidity and I’d finally get my revenge for suffering through Just Married and My Boss’ Daughter.

I’m a big Red Hot Chili Peppers fan and I’d love to know if you knew Anthony Kiedis and Flea particularly well when you all attended Fairfax High School together in Hollywood.  I understand Timothy Hutton and Bryon Allen were also schoolmates.  What were they like back then?  Is it true that Nastassja Kinski convinced you to leave well before graduation at age 16?  Any regrets about that?

Despite the difficult time you’ve been going through lately, it’s nice to see you’re back acting full-time again.  That’ll give you plenty of time to focus on something that gives you more pleasure.  As a teen, I really enjoyed seeing you on the big screen during your most successful period.  You did a nice job in A Few Good Men playing a character that was originally male.  I really liked Mortal Thoughts, an underrated who-dun-it? thriller told in flashbacks about the murder of nasty, goateed Bruce Willis.  (Glenne Headley and Harvey Keitel gave you good support in that one).

I also enjoyed The Hunchback Of Notre Dame cartoon Walt Disney Pictures released as a musical in 1996.  Despite seeing it twice at a downtown multiplex, the third screening on VHS four years later is the one that solidified my view of the film as daring, funny and quite moving.  I liked your voice characterization of Esmeralda.  Even though the ending was changed from Victor Hugo’s famed novel, I still cried.  I was less fond of Beavis & Butthead Do America (the TV show is better) where you had an unbilled cameo.  I’d love to know how that experience turned out for you, though.

What was it like being on a soap opera like General Hospital before you broke through in the movies?  My perception is that it’s one of the hardest gigs in show business.  Not much time to learn a ton of material and because it’s a daily serial, you’re working a lot of hours.  Your one-year stint on that show must’ve been excellent training for your film career.

It’s admirable that you’re trying to address the persistent scourge of illegal sex trafficking with the foundation that you co-founded with that dillhole from That 70s Show.  How did that come about in the first place?  What’s the ultimate goal of the foundation?  Now that you’re ending your marriage, will you continue to work on this important issue?

If talking about your career isn’t your cup of tea, we could talk about soccer and watch games together.  How long have you been rooting for Arsenal?  Why not Manchester United?  Or we could discuss your brief stint as a songwriter.  What songs did you write and were any of them hits?  Speaking of that, why did Blink 182 thank you in the liner notes of their Enema Of The State CD?

Or if you don’t want to talk, we could always have hot, sweaty sex.  Either way.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well with your acting and modelling careers as well as your charitable endeavours.  And with that, I leave you with this:

It’s time you had some fun, you’re long past due
Demi Moore, I’m here for you

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Friday, November 18, 2011
12:58 a.m.

Published in: on November 18, 2011 at 12:58 am  Comments (1)  

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  1. […] as well as political and pop culture commentaries.  I’ve also reached out to the likes of Demi Moore, Ginnifer Goodwin, Olivia Wilde and Jennifer Lopez, four beautiful actors now back on the market, […]

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