What I Loathed About 2011

1. Boston beat Vancouver for The Stanley Cup.  Canada’s drought continues.

2. WWE announcer Michael Cole’s endlessly annoying heel character which audiences have to put with on Raw, Smackdown and pay-per-views now.  What happened to just describing the action inside the ring?

3. The exit of John Morrison.  He should’ve been pushed for a World title.

4. The firings of Chris Masters, Vladimir Koslov, Melina, Gail Kim and David Hart Smith from WWE.  They all deserved better.

5. Donald Trump.

6. The Penn State scandal.  Why has it taken this long to go public?

7. The Arizona and Norway shootings.  Needless tragedies.

8. The constant abuse that protestors in North America, Russia and the Middle East face every day they put their political beliefs and lives on the line.  They all deserve respect whether you agree with their message or not.  And I support them all.

9. Jack Layton died shortly after accomplishing his greatest political achievement:  becoming the Leader of the Opposition in Canada.

10. Roger Abbott died.  I was very lucky to have met him during my Royal Canadian Air Farce internship.  Lovely man and a very funny sketch comedian.  Will always miss his Leonard Cohen bits among many other comic gems.

11. Casey Anthony was acquited, which didn’t surprise me.

12. Sun TV News.  Unwatchable.

13. Kamala The Ugandan Giant had his foot amputated due to diabetes.

14. All the horrible films I subjected myself to this year:  Porky’s, A Nightmare On Elm Street (the remake), MacGruber, Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo, The Grudge 2, Vampires Suck, Jackass The Movie, The Stepfather remake and The Crow: City Of Angels.

15. That miserable, anonymous old bag who kept giving me a hard time in the CFNY Facebook group because I liked posting bits of trivia (or “wiki-facts”, as he put it) which was pretty much appreciated by most everybody else.  He couldn’t take it.  Said we already have an Alan Cross.  (What?  There’s no room for two?)  Glad I left.  I’d rather be happy.  On the plus side, his embarrassing behaviour inspired this and this.

16. The unlawful murder of Osama Bin Laden.  He should’ve been arrested and brought to trial.  A lost opportunity for America to restore its once cherished concepts of law and order which don’t exist anymore.  Except for the super-connected rich.

17. The Libya invasion.  What business do we have interfering in another Middle Eastern country?  How much oil do we really need?

18. Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich.  The most soulless empty suits in The Republican Party.  They stand for absolutely nothing.  They just want power.  Fuck them.

19. Charlie Sheen’s self-destruction.  In the 80s, he appeared in two great Oliver Stone films:  Platoon and Wall Street, the latter of which I finally screened recently.  Now?  He’s the manic idiot who gave up a cush gig on a bad sitcom.  Good one, Sheenius.

20. Randy Orton’s on-again, off-again beard.  Not working, dude.  Stay clean shaven.

21. Robert Downey Jr. publicly urging forgiveness for Mel Gibson.  He hasn’t earned it, Sherlock.

22. Santino Marella got into a car accident.  Thankfully, he survived.

23. Mayor Rob Ford.  Haven’t you embarrassed Toronto enough?

24. The ninth season of One Tree Hill will only feature 13 episodes next January in the States.  We Canadians probably won’t get to see them on MuchMusic until fall 2012.

25. The shocking celebrations over Bin Laden’s assassination.  Sophia Bush, Eric Boehlert and Howard Stern, I was disappointed in particular with all of your public approvals.  You all know better.

26. The missing singles from R.E.M.’s latest greatest hits package.  It should’ve been a triple disc set, not a double.

27. Gene Simmons unconvincing 180 on marriage.  An act of a desperate man.  Does anyone really believe he can be monogamous?

28. All the constant title changes in WWE.  Long gone are the days when, for example, a World Champion could count on at least a year at the top.

29. Randy Savage died.

30. The phony outrage over Lars Von Trier’s confused comments about Nazis while promoting a movie at Cannes.  Hire a funny spokesman instead.

31. The constant Presidential campaign coverage.  It’s just too much.

32. The grief Chaz Bono had to face for doing Dancing With The Stars, especially from Fox News contributor Dr. Keith Ablow.  Give the guy a break.  He’s just dancing on TV!

33. Netflix’s misguided attempts to overcharge for beloved services.  Yeah, that worked out well, didn’t it, fellas?

34. The spineless, unaccountable Washington press corps.  How do they sleep at night?

35. Edge retired from WWE due to severe injuries.  That’s a huge vacuum to fill.

36. The mighty Cee-Lo Green having to sing “Forget You” instead of “Fuck You” during live performances on award shows and at SummerSlam.  Alanis Morissette got to say “fuck” on The Grammys fifteen years ago.  Why couldn’t Green do it this year?

37. The Kardashians.  Go away.

38. America’s Got Talent.  What a joke.  But maybe Howard Stern can fix it.

39. Piers Morgan Tonight.  What a blatant asskisser.

40. Whitney.  Not funny at all.  She’s much better on those Comedy Central Roasts.

41. The no-choking-with-objects policy on Vintage Collection.  Any time it happens, you just see a series of still frames instead of real-time video.  Come on, guys.  It looks stupid and insults the intelligence of the audience.

42. Evan Bourne and R-Truth’s ridiculous 30-day Wellness Policy suspensions for smoking synthetic weed.  Is that really a performance enhancing drug?

43. Rowdy Roddy Piper’s unconvincing victory over The Miz on Raw.  No more matches, Hot Rod.  You’re sadly passed your prime.

44. Lindsay Lohan still hasn’t gotten sober and remains a blonde.

45. The phrase “WWE Universe”.  So annoying.  As CM Punk correctly pointed out, “They’re not a universe, they’re fans!”.  Too bad he ended up using the phrase himself on the December 19th and 26th editions of Raw.  Ugh.

46. President Obama.  Worse than the last guy.

47. Patrice O’Neal died.

48. Sarah Palin.

49. The natural disasters that led to that nuclear calamity in Japan.

50. The earthquake in Turkey.

51. Gordon Ramsay.

52. Oprah’s Lifeclass.  Seriously?

53. Prime Minister Harper finally got his majority.

54. The lack of outrage over President Obama’s oppressive policies.  Doesn’t anyone care about due process and civil liberties anymore?

55. I wasn’t allowed to smile when I posed for my latest health card photo.  Back to looking like a creep again.  Sigh.

56. There was yet another shooting at Virginia Tech, four years after the first one.

57. The “anonymous” General Manager on Raw.  What the hell was that about?

58. Michelle Bachmann getting apologies from NBC and Jimmy Fallon because The Roots played Lyin’ Ass Bitch by Fishbone during an appearance on Late Night.  She doesn’t deserve one.  The band got it right the first time.

59. Anthony Weiner had to resign because he likes sending pics of his bulging dong to chicks.  Good thing I’m not a Congressman.

60. The homes featured on all those Hoarders shows.  Deeply disturbing.

61. Nancy Grace.

62. Victoria Jackson.

63. That deplorable Toronto Sun story about NDP Leader Jack Layton getting a massage in a supposed “bawdy house” late in the federal election.  Who cares?

64. Telemarketers.  Why do you think we rarely answer our phone anymore?  Take a hint.

65. The overblown coverage of the Prince William/Kate Middleton wedding.  They seem like nice kids, but come on!

66. Bradley Manning’s continued mistreatment while being incarcerated by the U.S. federal government.  Free him already.  He’s a hero.

67. The bogus announcement by President Obama that the Iraq War was ending after the departure of several thousand troops.  But what about the ones that will still be there?  Ditto the private contractors?  This was just as bad as President Bush’s Mission Accomplished fiasco.  Glenn Greenwald got it right.  It’s Endless War.

68. Amy Winehouse died.

69. Facebook’s constant tinkering with its layout.  Pick one and stick with it already.

70. Soap star Farah Fath’s constant nagging of her long suffering boyfriend JP Lavoisier (another soap actor) to marry her already as depicted on Dirty Soap.  Yeah, this is a happy relationship.

71. The mother of former Days Of Our Lives actor, the transfixing Nadia Bjorlin, on the same show.  And you thought Farah was a colossal pain in the ass.

72. Dog The Bounty Hunter.  Racist swine.

73. Comedian Gilbert Gottfried getting fired from his longtime gig as the voice of the duck in those Aflac commercials because he made controversial jokes about the Japanese tsunami.  Guess they preferred his take on The Aristocrats.

74. The Score’s refusal to promote Vintage Collection on Friday nights.  Apparently, if you believe the ads, it’s only on Saturdays!

75. Vicki Guerrero’s shrill voice.  It’s enough already.  And Dolph Ziggler doesn’t need her anymore.

76. President Obama’s hypocritical war on whistleblowers.  So much for complete transparency.

77. World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan’s awful beard.  You look like a hobo.  Lose it already.

78. Domestic and international drones.  They should be outlawed.  The war on privacy continues.

79. The ad with that obnoxious bespectacled woman who dumped her boyfriend after he got her hooked on World of Warcraft.  God, what a humourless bitch.  And no, this doesn’t convince me to play the game.  Neither does Chuck Norris.

80. The relentless canonization of the American military.  Yes, it takes tremendous courage to put your life on the line for your country.  Yes, many members of the service, past and present, have honourable records of their conduct.  But ask the civilians of the Middle East how wonderful they are, especially the widows and the orphans.  It’s time to end the suffering.  We need a real troop withdrawal and a real peace process.  Endless War solves nothing.

81. “The Situation”.  On his business card, it reads “professional douche”.

82. The voiceover announcer on TMZ’s TV show.  Shut up, asshole!  You’re not funny.

83. Canada’s Worst Driver 7 runner-up Sly with his overuse of the word “freak” whenever he screwed up a challenge which was most of the time.  Just say “fuck” already.

84. CDs without lyric sheets.  Drives me crazy when I can’t understand what’s being sung.

85. Still living at home, still not earning a steady income and still not getting any.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
1:12 a.m.

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