You made two trips to the matrimonial plate and struck out both times. First, there was the much older cinematographer, Robert Brinkmann. You ended that five-year marriage in the spring of 2005. Then, you got hitched to Simone Sestito, a concert promoter you met at The Toronto International Film Festival. Despite a reportedly lavish 2010 ceremony in Vatican City of all places, you recently decided this arrangement wasn’t working for you, either.
Mena Suvari, I’m here for you. Why keep all that heartbreak to yourself when you can confide in a gentle Canadian who’ll hang on your every word? Why wallow in sadness when we could share many laughs together? Why be alone when you can ride the bony express?
If your self-esteem has taken a hit, let me build it back up for you. I was mesmerized by your very sexy performance in American Beauty, the Academy Award-winning blockbuster from 1999. You played Thora Birch’s seemingly free-spirited girlfriend who becomes a symbol of lost happiness for her troubled dad, Kevin Spacey. When your secret is revealed very late in the picture, I was genuinely surprised. You talked a good game as Angela.
I also enjoyed your work in the first two American Pies, two of the funnier movies I’ve seen in the last couple of decades. Your portrayal of Heather, the glee club cutie who falls for sensitive jock Chris Klein, is sweet and charming, a complete 180 from American Beauty’s Angela.
Even though it was an inconsistent mess, the romance you inevitably have with Pie co-star Jason Biggs in Loser was the best thing about it (not to forget David Spade’s hilariously unbilled cameo as a video clerk). It’s too bad your character wastes so much time with sleazy (and married) professor Greg Kinnear and there aren’t as many laughs as there should be. Whenever you share screen time with that piefucker, you can feel the chemistry.
Speaking of that, good luck with the fourth Pie feature, American Reunion, which is scheduled for release this coming April. Even though you’re not in American Wedding, I’ll need to see that one before moving on in the franchise. I’ve had a copy for years and still have not screened it. (I know. I’m terrible.)
I’d love to hear you tell old war stories about your modelling days and early acting gigs like the Rice-A-Roni commercial you did as a teen, and the TV work you’ve done on shows like Six Feet Under, Chicago Hope, ER, Boy Meets World, Psych and the recently acclaimed American Horror Story. I’m also interested in your charity work. Why are Africa and feminism your primary causes?
Did you really think about becoming an archeologist when you were a kid? Surely, Indiana Jones played a major role in that. And how long have you been playing poker? Texas Hold ‘Em’s my game, as well. I’ll take you on any time, anywhere, young lady. Playing heads-up against you would be a real treat. Since I don’t have any money, we’ll play for clothing.
No matter what, I hope you’ll feel better soon. Even though this is a difficult time for you personally, I’m sure you’ll pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back to business.
And with that, I leave you with this:
Looking for the cure for your emotional flu?
Mena Suvari, I’m here for you.
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Sunday, January 15, 2012