Katie Holmes, I’m Here For You

People Magazine just broke the story yesterday.  You’ve dumped your husband after only six years of marriage.  It was your first go-around with legal matrimony, his third.  According to TMZ, you’re very concerned about your adorable young daughter’s possible indoctrination into Scientology, your husband’s “religion”, hence your decision to file for sole custody of 6-year-old Suri.  Considering all the horror stories in the media about L. Ron Hubbard’s phony philosophy, I don’t blame you at all.  In fact, I’m wondering why you didn’t come to this conclusion sooner.

You’re doing the right thing getting as far away from that maniacal couch-jumper as humanly possible.  He’s out of his mind.  (Have you heard him laugh?  Even the Joker thinks he’s nuts.)  Honestly, you can do so much better than Mr. Mapother IV.

Katie Holmes, I’m here for you.  Sure, I’m built like a rake and dance like a spaz, but I’m also an atheist who could care less about religions both nutty and mainstream.  (I prefer thinking for myself.)  Besides, considering how contentious your divorce proceedings are likely to be, maybe a fun fling with a silly Canadian is exactly what you need right now.

We’d certainly have lots to talk about.  First off, I’d love to know about all your film experiences.  I was particularly impressed with your small role in Wonder Boys, one of the best films of the last decade.  You played a college student named Hannah who’s got it bad for her deeply troubled professor Michael Douglas.  He’s having an affair with the married Frances McDormand, he accidentally killed her dog, he’s trying to nurture the writing talent of the offbeat Tobey Maguire and he’s struggling with the manuscript for his second novel (it’s well over 2000 pages long and late for delivery to the publisher).

In a key scene late in the picture, after begging Douglas over and over again to allow you the chance to read his work in progress, you offer him a memorable line of criticism that completely changes his life:  “You didn’t make any choices.”.  It’s so perfectly simple and correct that only a completely stressed and distracted middle-aged professional deeply afraid of all his own personal turmoil would not think of it himself.

I also enjoyed your supporting performance in Batman Begins, one of the best comic book movies I’ve ever seen.  I never understood the criticism you received for playing Rachel Dawes, Bruce Wayne’s love interest in the film.  You held your own with the always intense Christian Bale.  Why didn’t you return for The Dark Knight?

I’ve also admired your appearances in The Ice Storm (the entertaining Ang Lee drama that marked your film debut), the gripping Phone Booth, and even that fun cameo with your Dawson’s Creek co-star and ex-boyfriend, Joshua Jackson, in the otherwise uneven Muppets From Space.  It’s cool that you have a good sense of humour.

What did you think of Abandon?  I felt the ending completely undermined the entire film.  It turned a so-so thriller into a ridiculous one.  Sadly, it’s your worst feature but I blame Oscar winner Stephen Gaghan’s preposterous script more than anything else.  It marked a steep decline from the writing he did for Traffic, a much stronger project.

I love the story of how you got the part of Joey on Dawson’s Creek, the TV show that made you a star 15 years ago.  Because you were previously committed to performing in your high school production of Damn Yankees (you played Lola) and didn’t want to let anyone down by dropping out, you had to decline an invitation to audition for creator Kevin Williamson in person.  So, they allowed you the chance to submit a video audition instead.  Was it all done in one take?

Speaking of TV, what did the Kennedy family think of your portrayal of Jackie O in The Kennedys miniseries?  What preparation did you undertake to play a Slutty Pumpkin on How I Met Your Mother?  And what were you going to do for three episodes of Friends?

You’ve mentioned that you’re a painter.  How often do you get the chance to do that?  What do you like to paint and how would you describe your approach?  Any other non-acting creative ventures you like to pursue?

I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you in your marriage and hope that your divorce will be swift and amicable.  Whatever you decide to do with your love life and career, I wish you well.  And with that, I offer you this:

When you’re looking for shelter from the public zoo
Katie Holmes, I’m here for you.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Saturday, June 30, 2012
4:29 p.m.

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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. […] year, I was also here for Mena Suvari (who was so sexy in American Beauty) and Katie Holmes (who finally moved on from Tom Cruise), but had to give up the dream of seducing Natalie […]


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