A.F.

My big crush on you lasted a full seven years
When it ended I didn’t collapse into tears
You fell from the heavens right into my life
My ridiculous plan was to make you my wife

I was thin and short, goofy and weird
Accepting your rejection is what I always feared
So I never asked you directly for a single date
Mere contemplation would make me hesitate

I knew deep down I was wasting my time
An unworthy suitor for a human so sublime
I hoped to stand out from the admiring flock
Instead of just smiling when you chose to mock

I stupidly declared we were already one
You corrected the record by stating we were none
Your anger didn’t scare me, it gave me a thrill
Finally, a conversation and I couldn’t keep still

You told me to stop spreading this pitiful lie
We would only be together when pigs learn to fly
Your untouched beauty drowned out these cruel sounds
I danced with delusion for several more rounds

Up to a point, you were friendly and polite
You waved in my direction when I saw you out at night
But beyond this convention, I was expecting too much
Clinging to false hope became a childhood crutch

Then came the dumbest decision of all
Writing you a letter sometime in the fall
I emptied the contents of my vulnerable heart
But claimed intimidation and it all fell apart

We were rivals in class fighting for the top
I was usually second, you were the cream of the crop
You cleaned up the awards and I took a bath
Except that one time I claimed victory in math

No matter how hard I tried to pretend
There was no attraction and you would not bend
We had little in common and no reason to mingle
I lacked the physicality that would’ve made you tingle

To athletes and jocks, I could never compare
If only they were generous and had confidence to spare
I never felt whole, I never felt enough
Every single time, you saw right through my bluff

When I finally realized these feelings had died
I felt a strange resurgence of my long lost pride
There was no longer a need to seek your approval
If I pushed even harder, you would’ve ordered my removal

The last time I saw you I was thankfully invisible
Your bond with your son was clearly indivisible
I hope you found love, peace and joy
You were hot as fuck when I was a boy

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Sunday, May 24, 2015
4:07 p.m.

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Published in: on May 24, 2015 at 4:07 pm  Comments (1)  

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  1. […] again), An Unreasonable Man (which is really about a family member but could also apply to me) and A.F. about a seven-year childhood crush that turned out to be a total waste of time and energy.  Flames […]


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