What a betrayal. What a disgrace. Have they no shame? Have they no respect for the audience?
At the very end of Halloween H20: 20 Years Later, the embattled Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) finally faced her fears and vanquished her relentlessly homicidal brother Michael Myers. Literally pinned against a wooden fence, for the first time in his life he was truly vulnerable. Despite reaching out his hands hoping in vain for mercy, she chopped his head off with an axe. (Cue the classic John Carpenter theme.)
But according to the deplorable Halloween: Resurrection, she fucked up. We learn that she didn’t behead Myers at all. It was a voiceless EMT guy that was pinned against that fence. (The still-not-dead masked killer strangled his larynx so hard he couldn’t speak before putting him in that body bag. But that doesn’t explain why EMT guy didn’t remove his mask to prevent what was coming. I mean he’s heard of charades, right?)
As a result of this patently dishonest revision of cinematic history (it was clearly Myers all along, I mean let’s get real), a thoroughly guilt-ridden Laurie is now the one institutionalized awaiting the inevitable return of her unstoppable brother.
Sure enough, after knocking off a couple of dopey security guys, he breaks into her room only to get wacked in the head by his very alert nemesis. (The hospital doesn’t know she hasn’t been taking any of her pills. She has built up quite the collection.)
Long story short, we end up on the roof where Laurie has set a trap which Myers falls right into. (Is she even allowed out of her room, let alone the building?) Flashing back to the end of H20, she’s suddenly stricken with an embarrassing case of doubt (who else would put on that mask and track you down like this, you dipshit?) which leads to her depressing downfall. Yep, after dying in an off-camera car accident years ago, then being resurrected in H20 to finally get closure, Laurie Strode is now just another victim. Ridiculous.
Meanwhile, a couple of overly ambitious Internet entrepreneurs (Tyra Banks and Busta Rhymes) have recruited some very naïve teenagers for a live and ultimately doomed online broadcast. They’ve located Michael Myers’ childhood home (now all boarded up and without power) and on Halloween, they plan to show the world the inside of it through cameras mostly worn by their sacrificial lambs, those aforementioned naïve teenagers.
Of course, no one knows that Myers still lives there. (Apparently, he’s a rat connoisseur.) So, you know what that means. That’s right. More dumb mayhem.
Adding to the dumbness is the secret agenda of Banks & Rhymes. Unbeknownst to the naïve teenagers who signed up for this shit, Rhymes will actually don the infamously white William Shatner mask and help them burn some calories, as will an assistant. (Another one gets killed earlier in the day while setting up a camera which an oblivious Banks doesn’t witness despite it being seen on a monitor.) The Internet entrepreneurs have also added some props to enhance the effect. As our teenage heroes explore the interiors of this condemned house of hell, we’re mislead into believing that Myers had a rotten childhood.
Very slowly, the killing spree begins as these ignorant motherfuckers get exterminated one at a time. (Did I mention they’re locked in and can’t escape for the night? Good one, Busta. At least your love of kung fu movies will come in handy.)
Considering how dull the experience of watching this movie is, it’s hard to imagine a potential global audience desiring to see this fictional live Internet broadcast in the real world. The footage is very dark, grainy and with the exception of the murders plus one unpersuasive, mercifully brief sex scene, nothing of note happens. For a while, it appears there’s no audio, either.
As the slicing and dicing commences, one of the participants is fortunate to have outside guidance. There’s a younger friend watching on a computer at a Halloween house party he didn’t even want to attend. (They’ve never actually met. They just text and chat online. They’ve never even exchanged pictures.) Everybody else is shit out of luck.
It shouldn’t be a surprise that there hasn’t been a proper sequel to Halloween: Resurrection, even though the ending leaves open the possibility for one. Honestly, how much more can the elastic band stretch here? Michael Myers has been shot countless times, burned, punched, kicked, wacked with numerous objects and electrocuted, yet is still able to open his eyes awaiting the green light from some greedy executive to send him out on another pointless bloodfest. (Thirteen years later, despite a couple of Rob Zombie-directed remakes, that still hasn’t happened, thankfully.)
Realizing belatedly that this has become a very silly franchise, Halloween: Resurrection is supposedly an intentional comedy. But the only genuinely funny moment comes near the end when Busta Rhymes (who was much better as the older brother in the wonderful Finding Forrester) utters the memorable line, “Trick or treat, motherfucker.”
Actually, on second thought, maybe he was serious.
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Sunday, October 4, 2015