Bad Boys For Life

Past the midway point of Bad Boys For Life is the big twist. To anyone who saw the brilliant One False Move it will feel somewhat familiar.  But to a certain group of women in the UK it will be triggering.

One of the heroes seriously fucked up in his youth.  Plucked out of the police academy to embark on a supremely dangerous undercover assignment he became the driver for a couple of married Mexican druglords.  He fell for the hot wife and unbeknownst to him, she bore his child.

Seriously tempted to leave everything behind and run away with her, at the last minute he bolted.  She got pinched by the swarming feds along with her oblivious husband.  He died, she survived.

A quarter of a century later, she improbably escapes prison and reunites with her now grown son.  Understandably seething for all these years, it’s payback time.  Curiously, she has not told her own flesh and blood who his real father is.  (Who raised him, I wonder.  And why is the family so loved in Mexico anyway?)

If you’ve been reading The Guardian lately then you know about a massive police scandal involving undercover officers who infiltrated left-wing protest groups in the 70s, befriended female members and then fathered their children.  At some point, after years of getting close, the cops abandoned their innocent targets (they weren’t committing any crimes) and the women, completely blindsided by this betrayal, were left wondering how this was in any way acceptable behaviour.

Following the release of a damning report these rightly pissed off victims have come forward demanding answers, using the press as a pulpit and the courts as a way of demanding restitution.  The UK police have fought them on transparency and accountability every step of the way but these women are not shrinking violets.  They want and deserve complete answers and full compensation.

It’s impossible not to think of them while watching Bad Boys For Life.  To listen to this cop confess to his stunned partner about the first ethical lapse of his career makes you despise him even more than you already have based on everything he’s done in this entire franchise.

Already a compromised figure thanks to his gross love of torture and extrajudicial murder, perhaps the only honest part of this movie is at no time is there any worry about him being fired.  It never comes up in any discussion.

Coming 17 years after the excessively violent Bad Boys II, this equally dreadful threequel is mercifully toned down.  Ironically, when an attempt on the cop’s life happens early on, it’s not nearly as intense as it should be.  Considering the particularly piercing bullets blasted into his chest by a motorcycling assailant bearing an uzi, it’s not believable that he would ultimately survive, let alone walk again, after what would surely be in real life an instant death.

Much has changed since 2003.  The married Marcus (Martin Lawrence) is now a grandfather contemplating retirement.  Would you believe the father, his daughter’s partner, is the poor kid he terrorized in the previous film?  They’ve even named the child after him!  Future son-in-law is in the army now and still terrified.

Mike (Will Smith) is still single.  Marcus wonders how he could possibly have blown his relationship with Rita (the dazzling Paola Nunez), a fellow officer who runs her own task force.  We learn that things didn’t work out with Gabrielle Union, either.  Jesus Christ, man.

Right after the attempted hit (a three-second video of which gets posted and goes instantly viral), the villains don’t waste any time getting to work.  Mamacita druglord orders her son to wipe out the judge, the forensics guy and the prosecutor all responsible for her incarceration.  She wants her ex eliminated last but only after two hours of suffering.

You know what this means.  The son will have plenty more opportunities to off his real father and fail to carry out his duties.  Despite having a clear shot in one scene, he backs off.  “No innocents,” he tells one of his new puzzled underlings when a bystander gets in front of his target.  How ironic.

After Marcus retires, Mike and Rita find themselves arguing over how to move forward with the investigation of all these connected murders.  (He’s only allowed to join the task force as a consultant.  Uh huh.)  Because the Miami police have put away hundreds of drug dealers, any one of them could want revenge.

There’s a very dumb scene where Mike goes rogue and pays the annoying DJ Khaled, a local butcher with a shady past, a visit.  He handcuffs him to his table in the back and starts hammering his hand with a meat mallet until he gives up the name of an underground weapons supplier.

Rita’s task force already knows who the guy is, making all of this completely unnecessary.  Mike is such a dick he doesn’t even remove the handcuffs.

The task force spies on the weapons guy in his garage hideout through an undetected drone only to see a massacre unfold.  Later, the team infiltrates a birthday party for the son’s new underling at a fancy Miami hot spot which leads to a car chase shootout and another dead witness.

Continuing the tired theme of the previous picture where Marcus insists on diplomacy over Mike’s preference for roughhousing suspects and informants the duo pay a visit to a coke-addicted accountant who resembles a younger John Goodman.  Despite Mike brandishing a gun, when an unarmed Marcus tries to reason with the accountant using techniques learned through relaxation tapes he is easily knocked off his feet twice.  A tazer out of nowhere ends the hostility.

A retrieved and ultimately hacked cell phone finally gives everybody the break they’ve been hoping for.  But it also conjures up bad memories that can’t be undone or erased.

Bad Boys For Life came out in early 2020 and managed to have a very successful commercial run just before COVID-19 interrupted the exhibition business.  The way it ends it would not surprise me if a fourth installment is forthcoming.  I would be more pleased if it wasn’t.

This has been a strange, disappointing series.  We began in 1995 with a story about police corruption, then continued eight years later with a full-out war against a Cuban druglord and almost two decades after that we’re back to corruption again, this time combined with a revenge plot.

During the opening credits, Mike and Marcus are driving through a beach en route to the hospital to meet the new baby. For some reason, they sarcastically apologize to the “rich white people” they sail past not paying that much attention to their brief presence. To make amends later, they joke about pulling themselves over, you know, because they’re Black? In this era of visceral fury over police brutality against people of colour there’s no excuse for being this town-deaf.

The rest of the comedy is also non-existent although I was amused by the sight of Bad Boys II director Michael Bay suddenly showing up in a cameo (even though I wrongly thought it was the producer Jerry Bruckheimer).  As usual, it is uncomfortably juxtaposed with more serious scenes.

We learn early on that one character dyes his facial hair.  And when that character is lying in a coma, grey completely exposed, another character tenderly applies Midnight Cocoa Bean to maintain his dignity.  Vanity can be so awkward.

Six months after the attempted assassination, the movie does a predictable swerve.  It shows a bunch of sads, some with tears streaming down their faces, all the while misleading us into thinking we’re at a funeral.  We’re actually at a wedding.  And those are obviously tears of joy.  Do the filmmakers think we’re fucking stupid?

The action, more conventional than Bay’s trademark kinetic histrionics, isn’t entirely inventive or exciting enough to overcompensate for all of this.  The result is a noisy mess, although I did appreciate the retiring of the shaky cam.

The twist ironically makes the villains more sympathetic, although how does a stone cold killer suddenly become a babyface towards two people he’s spent the entire film assaulting?  How does your justified anger dissipate in an instant like that?

In the end, we’re left with a possible next chapter and a whole lot of unresolved issues.  A character with a history of violence is given a chance for a lesser sentence by someone with his own deplorable record.  How tragically ironic that, like this entire trilogy, none of this would’ve happened at all if there wasn’t a Drug War.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Wednesday, March 31, 2021
3:18 a.m.

Bad Boys II

He knew what could ruin a President. He caught them in compromising positions on wiretaps. And so, they never challenged his authority.

Smart, ruthless and cunning. There’s a reason J. Edgar Hoover was able to remain the head of the fascist FBI for several decades.  Christ, the establishment is still so frightened of him long after his death the FBI building still bares his name.

Besides being a master in the dark arts of blackmail and intimidation, Hoover was a shrewd manipulator of the media.  He recognized the power of propaganda, how a well-crafted TV show or movie could convince the gullibles to otherwise support his white supremacist Gestapo.  It’s why Jimmy Stewart starred in The FBI Story.  And it’s why there have been and continue to be so many pro-law enforcement productions in general.

Throughout his life and in the many decades following his fatal heart attack in the early 70s, Hollywood still can’t quite divorce itself from his copaganda playbook.  It’s proven too lucrative.  But in the wake of undeniable police corruption and horrifying violence against American citizens, many of them unarmed, completely innocent and Black, there is finally something of a pushback.

There’s long been strong criticism about Hollywood copaganda but now it’s gone mainstream.  Even white people like me, who’ve never had a negative experience with law enforcement, are paying attention.  The genie’s been released, as much as the police and the FBI would prefer to have it put back in the bottle.

I thought a lot about this while finally watching Bad Boys II.  If ever there was a film that could singlehandedly strengthen the case for police abolition, it would be this one.

Coming eight years after the modest success of the original, it perfectly illustrates in so many ways the unchecked evils of policing.  The racism, the unmitigated screw-ups, the frequently trampled boundaries of citizens, the extrajudicial executions, the absurd amount of property damage from reckless car chases and gunfights, the needless and constant breaking of laws to rig a conviction or ultimately avoid courtroom prosecutions altogether.

From the moment we see ecstasy pills being manufactured in Holland, we know the score.  This is a Drug War Movie where the villain is a one-dimensional foreigner (in this case, a Cuban, albeit with a young daughter) and the cops, hamstrung by pesky little things like federal laws and regulations, do whatever they want anyway without any consequences whatsoever in the name of ending his business (although we learn that the druglord has managed to win a whole lot of wrongful prosecution lawsuits against them).

Released in 2003, barely a couple of years after 9/11, a direct acknowledgement of that horrible massacre is deliberately invoked to justify extra surveillance of the Gulf of Mexico where the Scarface wannabe nonetheless still secretly and easily transports his bags of X.  Who knew that putting black tarp over a speedboat would render you invisible on radar.

A Latino cross between Colin Farrell, CM Punk during his long hair days and Iggy Pop, the flamboyant druglord is a mama’s boy who divides his time by lingering uncomfortably in her old rat-infested mansion in Miami where he temporarily stores his millions and more luxuriously in his own abode by the ocean in Cuba, the latter a ridiculous sight far removed from reality.

The movie really wants us to believe that Castro would offer up his own military whenever the drug kingpin, a self-absorbed, wealth-hoarding capitalist, feels the heat from invading Americans.  The CIA gets to shoehorn their own anti-communist copaganda in here, too.  God knows there’s plenty of time to fill.  Bad Boys II runs a bloated two and a half hours.

As always in films like this, there’s a sequence where someone stupidly challenges the villain’s authority. In this case, it’s a Russian club owner (Peter Stormare, one of the hired kidnappers in Fargo). He supplies his partying customers with the Cuban’s highly potent ecstasy pills and they enthusiastically plop them down while gyrating to hooky techno music. (One unfortunate sap overdoses but instead of being hauled to the hospital he gets dumped in an alley, drooling his way to a less than delightful death.)

The club owner is convinced by his math guy to negotiate a better financial arrangement with the Cuban druglord. Instead, after arriving at mama’s crumbling mansion, the math guy gets chopped up off camera, his limbs shoved into a bucket, like a fresh order of KFC, and then placed on an arriving stool right next to the suddenly unsettled Russian, the severed parts poking out demanding attention. It inspires an unintentional laugh (the visual is more silly than disturbing) but look how quickly the shaky club owner signs over all his businesses to his highly peeved supplier.

On the trail of the elusive Cuban are the returning Mike (Will Smith) and Marcus (Martin Lawrence), two unlikeable, constantly bickering Miami vice cops not above employing psychological and physical torture when someone isn’t being cooperative.  After an early drug bust involving Ku Klux Klansmen goes terribly wrong (expecting a big haul of X, they only recover two small bags of it), the duo pay a visit to the source that tipped them off.

This is a scene we’ve seen many times before.  Cops approach a potential source of information.  That source is reluctant to give up the goods, so they put the squeeze on him often using the threat or delivery of actual violence until he gives up a name or an address.   Instead of beating their source’s ass, Mike and Marcus go a slightly different route.  Since the witness runs his own religious shop out of his cramped little house, they just start dancing around and smashing up his store until he tells him where some other one-dimensional stereotypical drug dealers reside.

Without a warrant, they bulldoze their way through their rundown hideout and start shooting.  The sole survivor, again, is not willing to share intelligence.  So Marcus gives him a roundhouse kick and he starts spilling.  And these are the heroes?

What is the source of all this exhausting tension between the two cops?  Marcus, the married impotent one, is in therapy trying to soften his anger.  Mike, the unattached womanizer, thinks diplomacy in policing is a complete waste of time.  Deescalation is against his personal constitution. It’s strange hearing this Black man act like a right-wing Republican, especially when his counter-argument to “white power” chants by racists is “blue power, motherfuckers” . Can’t imagine a dumb line like this in the Black Lives Matter era.

Marcus is so annoyed with his longtime partner he’s already surreptitiously filed transfer papers to relocate to another precinct.  You know the transfer will never happen. 

For his part, Mike has a secret of his own.  He’s quietly dating his partner’s sister (the stunning Gabrielle Union), herself a drug warrior although she misleads the two into thinking she’s safely on desk duty.

In actuality, she’s pretending to be someone the Cuban druglord would want to do business with.  She’s hot and has already made a deal with the Russian club owner, so of course he wants to hang.  I mean I would start a trafficking gig if it meant I’d get a date with her.  No wonder Mike and Cuban guy are so smitten.

This whole undercover plan is naturally doomed and although sis can defend herself when need be, she will inevitably become a taken damsel in distress that the boys will have to rescue once we reach the typically gonzo finale in the druglord’s lavish Cuban abode, one of many loud, completely implausible, emotionally uninvolving and sometimes hard-to-follow (because of that irritating shaky cam) action spectacles.

Bad Boys II was directed by Michael Bay. Like Judd Apatow, he doesn’t believe in editing down his work and therefore, the work suffers. As an avowed opponent of the Drug War (despite being straight edge), movies like this are a tougher sell for me now than they would’ve been when I was younger and more ignorant of American imperialism. That all said, the movie itself is not particularly well made. It’s overwrought and often inappropriately jokey. Running over dead bodies isn’t the hilarious gag you think it is. Neither is racist roasting.

Once you become aware of copaganda, especially when it’s so poorly put together, you can’t unsee it. Smith and Lawrence know nothing bad will ever happen to them regardless of how many times their angry captain (Joey Pants in his bad J. Jonah Jameson toupee) predictably complains about their profound recklessness.

They can break into buildings, snoop around or plant bugs for surveillance without prior authorization. They can play a major role in the fiery destruction of civilian vehicles which makes the news. They can invade sovereign countries to murder suspects and come away completely clean. They can harass and terrorize for whatever reason and they won’t ever be suspended or fired.

Usually, in movies like this, there’s that scene where the captain demands the handing over of a badge and gun after one calamity too many which doesn’t deter the officers from pursuing their case. Bad Boys II is shameless but even the filmmakers know dusting off that tired cliche one more time would be even more dishonest. Even Bay can show signs of restraint. That look on the captain’s face is all too knowing about his two most irresponsible charges.

The film has no doubt the “heroes” will survive every shootout they initiate and every car chase they engage in, despite Mike saying otherwise in the big climax, which is why most of their in-fighting happens during those drawn-out moments. This is all played for laughs that never come.

Their fierce dedication to being comic brutes reaches its apex in a terribly unfunny scene that aptly demonstrates that cops don’t reserve their anger strictly for their jobs. Marcus’ teen daughter is about to go on a date. When her 15-year-old would-be paramour arrives, Marcus, a paternalistic bully, gives him the third degree, cursing him out and questioning his intentions. He even frisks him.

Then Mike shows up pulling out a goddamn gun acting psychotic for no goddamn reason. The kid is terrified. He just wants to see his girl. It’s only when Theresa Randle, returning to play Mike’s wife, graciously welcomes him that they suddenly cool it. I’m amazed the lad doesn’t flee altogether.

Not known for having any feminist leanings, Michael Bay presents a scene early on involving the Cuban drug dealer. Two of his bimbos are goofing around with one of his pistols. One of them accidentally fires it, but it doesn’t hit anybody. The druglord can’t even hide his contempt for them. “Fucking bitches,” he utters disgustedly. Maybe stop leaving a loaded weapon lying around, genius, huh?

Besides the very tired sexism, Bad Boys II can’t resist ugly punchlines evoking racism and homophobia. Two Latino cops who work with Mike and Marcus, and assist them in their pursuit of the Cuban druglord, make stereotypical digs at them and the two Black men happily return the favour. This isn’t progress.

When the heroes recover a damaged camcorder, they take it to a local electronics store to have it played in one of the in-house monitors hoping it will provide a lead. (Why aren’t they doing this at the precinct?) Later, as they’re talking in the back, they have a private conversation that unwittingly is captured on another camera they don’t notice being pointed at them that is then broadcast with complete audio to everyone who happens to be in the store watching them converse. Despite talking about an incident that directly affects Marcus during the KKK raid it sounds like they’re a gay couple talking about a previous sexual encounter. One mom expresses her rage at this “homo” business. An actual gay couple is more sympathetic, particularly towards Marcus. The latter doesn’t cancel out the former.

Some of the ongoing success of copaganda can be attributed to diversification or at least the illusion of liberalization within law enforcement. By casting two Black men as these two psychotic cops and having them engage in comedic banter, the effect is twofold: to treat everything like a live action cartoon, where the violence directed against bigots and black market thugs is set against exaggerated set pieces like the rotating, weaponized cars in the highway sequence to make it more acceptable, and to eliminate the appearance of white supremacy which is the founding principle of all police departments, even though the Black and Latino cops put each other down with racial taunts.

The absurdity is intended to dilute the brutality but it doesn’t work. The cops kill so many people they could easily just talk down and arrest. They’re not officers of the law, they’re serial killers with institutional protection.

Henry Rollins delivers one of the few good performances in the film as the head of the duo’s Miami police drug war task force. With his commanding, stoic presence, he confidently sets up the plans for the botched raid that doesn’t result in a large haul of seized pills. Sadly, beyond just standing around silently around other cops in a scene that precedes the finale, he’s not given any more lines.

Beyond a quick, throwaway laugh from a yearbook photo, there’s nothing remotely funny about renegade cops making wisecracks in the middle of committing rampant human rights abuses. And there’s nothing remotely exciting about a routine Drug War procedural meant to reinforce myths about America’s longest running war.

When Inner Circle, the Reggae band, saw their song Bad Boys used as the theme for the TV show Cops, the connection was obvious. The bad boys they were addressing were reinterpreted through the show as targets of the police. In Bad Boys II, on two occasions the cocky Mike and Marcus sing the famous chorus from the song for the same reason. But they also unapologetically address themselves as bad boys, something they’ve foolishly done since high school.

This reminds me of a great point Jack Nicholson makes in The Departed:

“When you decide to be something, you can be it. That’s what they don’t tell you in the church. When I was your age they would say we can become cops, or criminals. Today, what I’m saying to you is this: when you’re facing a loaded gun, what’s the difference?”

Beneath the sloppy copaganda of Bad Boys II lies the truth. There isn’t one.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Wednesday, March 31, 2021
1:31 a.m.

Aspen Extreme

Before he was a singing Mountie, a Man with a Broom and a soldier in World War II, Paul Gross was a ski bum with ambition in Aspen Extreme.  Impossibly handsome with spectacular buttocks, the Canadian star with Reevian locks was clearly positioned by Hollywood in his first major film role as a delicious slab of smiling man meat.  Had it been a success his subsequent career would’ve gone down a very different path indeed.

But alas, this overlong sizzle-free soap opera failed to find a receptive audience during its brief theatrical run. Thankfully, most of the big names in the cast, including its ironically named lead, have been able to survive it.

The deceptively titled Aspen Extreme (it was rated PG in Canada) is the story of two lifelong friends both going through a quarter-life crisis.  Gross works in a car factory while his dimwitted pal Peter Berg is busy repairing damaged benches on the ski lift at the local resort in the off-season.  Despite being offered a sizeable promotion, Gross would rather be a freelance writer.  But he can’t get anything published.

Catching Berg in a temporary fit of frustration, he manages to convince his loyal bud to drop everything and come with him on a road trip.  They don’t immediately know the destination.  They just want to leave the blue collar limitations of Michigan far behind.

They ultimately settle on Aspen, Colorado but there’s no available accommodations so they live in their van which they have to move all the time because they can’t locate a place to legally park.  Because he’s a dumbass, Berg forgets to refuel the propane tank and as a result, it’s too cold inside to sleep.  In the middle of the night while walking around shivering in desperation, they spot beautiful, blonde DJ Teri Polo broadcasting nearby.  She lets them in and offers them hot beverages.  Gross becomes smitten.  She is indifferent. But she’s not being honest.

In order to survive their new environment, Gross and Berg, two talented skiers, need to find work.  It just so happens a ritzy resort that caters to the wealthy is looking to hire five instructors.  But when the chosen names are posted, only Gross makes the cut primarily because he fits the fantasy of a hunky ski instructor.  (The real money is made through sizeable tips during private lessons.)  He literally becomes the poster boy for the business.

In a very funny moment, ever the pal Gross writes in Berg’s name on the sheet.  And then manages to convince his skeptical new boss (a German, for some reason) to include his friend because he’s willing to take on the shittier clients which mostly means out-of-shape fat guys and bratty kids.  The ploy works and Berg, dressed as Santa Claus on the job, is none the wiser until a belated confession.

When Gross asks out Polo, she tells him she stopped dating ski instructors when she was 16, an eye-opening admission that sadly is not more fully explored beyond her abandonment issues.  At any event, resistance is futile and Gross finds a dating loophole (how about a platonic dinner?).  Harshly critical of his own writing (even he knows he’s no Hemingway), Polo ultimately convinces him to keep trying.  He eventually offers her a short story called Lady On The Radio.  Brilliant.

Before they get closer, Gross and Berg get invited to a party thrown by cold but randy British sugar mama Finola Hughes who’s looking to replace rival ski instructor Martin Kemp (the Spandau Ballet alumnus with a bad tan and a borderline cartoonish German accent) with some fresher dong.  This causes sometimes unintentionally amusing tension between Kemp and Gross who also uncomfortably share clients, although curiously they barely share any screen time together.  It’s therefore up to Hughes to deliver the heel heat.

But after seducing Gross by feigning an interest in his dead-end writing career (she actually takes him to the library to encourage him to read other works which apparently he couldn’t think of on his own), she inexplicably bolts for Philadelphia without telling him.  We have no idea what she does for a living but apparently, business is good.  She lives in absolute opulence and by God, check out that view of the Colorado Rockies.

With Hughes out of the picture, Gross gets busy with Polo who makes another eyebrow raising admission about her past.  A college graduate of TV Broadcasting (ahem), she reveals she actually got hired in Los Angeles.  But when her boss would only offer her her own show if she fucked him, she refused.  Her reason?  “He was lying.”  Wait.  So, if he wasn’t, you would’ve?  Jesus.

At the party, after being hit on by someone falsely claiming to be Hughes’ roommate who then also disappears because at this point they’re still living in that goddamn van and I guess that’s a deal breaker for her, a backed up Berg starts getting pissed off at Gross for blowing him off and not in the fun way.  Not generating the same kind of income as his buddy, especially after being suspended for two weeks following his disastrous private lesson with a hopeless fat dude, out of nowhere he becomes a courier for a local drug dealer.

Well, not really.  While waiting in a local watering hole, a very sweaty Berg suddenly becomes very skittish about the whole transaction.  He starts downing the hatch constantly, asking incoming customers if they’re “Steve Something”.  Increasingly paranoid, especially after a cop enters the premises, he eventually bolts for the bathroom and foolishly dumps all that cocaine down the toilet.

Finally leaving, there’s the arriving Steve Something approaching him outside wondering what happened to the coke he ordered.  That’s funny.  And so is the moment when Gross drives around in the van spotting his doomed friend running out in the snow buck naked.  I did say he was dimwitted.

Now in the hole for ten grand, Berg is very lucky that Hughes has returned which means she gets to frolic with Gross again (nothing is shown beyond kissing) in exchange for the money that will prevent the premature end of his life.  To show his appreciation, Berg instigates a violent scrap.

Polo, who knows all about Hughes and her lure, reaches her own breaking point when Gross, hired by Hughes for the day, doesn’t return to his new home he shares with Berg, a train caboose reconstituted as a trailer home.  (Polo is the reason they even got this place.)  Waiting for him there until 3 in the morning before finally going home in a huff and a puff, Gross confronts her at work all the while failing to explain himself properly. It’s obvious he doesn’t really deserve her. Polo instantly feels buyer’s remorse.

On the outs with his now coke-snorting best friend (who Polo tries to rehab through jogging) and the ridiculously kind DJ he stupidly betrays (there’s a reason she doesn’t really bury him on the air in the middle of their break-up despite her sarcastic tone), with nowhere else to go Gross reluctantly moves in with a more welcoming Hughes who encourages his garbage writing that even the hunk doesn’t believe in.  There he is pathetically chucking pages off her porch when her back is turned.  Things are going so well they don’t even share a shower together.  Speaking of that, where’s Hughes’ butt shot? I feel gypped.

In the middle of all this standard melodrama are some spectacular views of Aspen in the winter season.  As a helicopter flies by in one quick static shot the snowy mountains resemble stacks of giant-sized blueberry ice cream.  In another, it swoops into frame from the top of the screen, turns right and disappears behind some snow in an instant.  So smooth and cool.

Because this is a movie about skiing, in between the acting scenes are either random shots of unidentified men carving through the gorgeous, wintry terrain with relative ease and undeniable skill, Gross and Berg teaching their inexperienced students the tricky rhythms of the sport to varying degrees of success or the two of them together practicing under supremely dangerous conditions to prepare for the traditional third act finale, the big contest to finally prove their worth to their colleagues, their clients and themselves.

The second unit cinematography capturing their long climb up to the top and their precipitous fall to the bottom is the best photographed sequence in the entire film.  Because hiking alone can be terrifying it’s only through living vicariously through these reckless daredevils that we can actually enjoy experiencing such an unsafe activity ourselves.  They make the rest of us look like total pussies.

The first half of Aspen Extreme slowly establishes the soap opera storylines but maintains a mostly airy atmosphere.  Very little is taken seriously.  And I would’ve been fine with that if the film’s legitimate attempts at being funny were more consistently effective than its unintentional whoppers.

Berg and Gross’ German boss makes it clear they are not allowed to go skiing in the more treacherous part of the mountains that is “out of bounds”.  But, of course, they don’t listen.  There’s an effective moment where Gross suddenly skies into a gaping hole and gets his equipment stuck while underwater.  Two quick-thinking friends spare his life.

Berg, who heroically goes in to rescue him, and Polo who patches him up and gives him shelter for the night when they suddenly arrive at her home following the accident.  They can’t go to a local medical facility because their boss would know they disobeyed him. But he’s a paper tiger who would never fire them. After all, Gross is money. And Berg is willing to teach the dregs.

Later, after an avalanche claims the life of a major character, there’s Martin Kemp with his cheeseball accent making a hilarious dig at his grieving, surviving rival that is very clearly not meant to provoke laughter.  Or how about that electronic sign with its inappropriate exclamation point during a wipeout?  At least, Elaine Benes is happy.

Have to admit, I didn’t expect the film to throw us this avalanche curveball, although it’s not like they hadn’t already teased the idea of killing off someone.  Nevertheless, Aspen Extreme, a great title unwilling to live up to the billing, can’t fully divorce itself from its own underdog sports formula.

When Berg and Gross arrive in Aspen, we learn about the annual Powder Eight competition.  Now in its eleventh year, it’s a pairs event where you need to make perfect figure eights with your skies without toppling over.  One man follows the other in synchronicity.  It looks incredibly difficult but gee, I wonder who will win.  With one major character suddenly without a partner, how convenient that a much nicer, more talented replacement happens to show up in the nick of time.  But, of course, he has to be rebuffed first before having his invitation ultimately accepted.

And, naturally, when they win (Wait. That’s how you break a tie? A fourth 10?), there’s an expected reconciliation.  He ain’t leaving and well, she can’t resist all that manly deliciousness. 

The one thing Aspen Extreme gets right is that being really good looking gives you immunity.  Despite irritating the boss by constantly breaking his rules, one of which costs someone their life, and despite being the opposite of a faithful, attentive lover, you face no real consequences.  In fact, you get more undeserved rewards.  A championship trophy, a magazine cover, a published article exploiting a dead guy, free money, free lodging and forgiveness from one of the women you fucked over.

When you’re average looking, you get demeaning jobs for less pay, punishment for not improving completely hopeless clients, no opportunity for advancement, constant threats to your well-being, mockery and no real interest from desirable women. In other words, a lot of lonely nights in the caboose watching ping pong on TV.

Aspen Extreme was released in January 1993, a traditional dumping ground for bad films.  I had not managed to see it when it played in theatres here and for whatever reason, I never bothered to watch it on videotape, either.  Paradoxically, I’ve always wanted to see it and finally got a chance when I spotted a used DVD copy in decent shape at a local antique store.

Packaged with two other films as part of a bare bones, triple feature collection (Heartbreak Hotel and the uneven Big Chillish Indian Summer are the others), I only paid a buck. I’m thankful it wasn’t more.

Berg, Polo, Gross and Hughes are all good actors saddled with characters far less interesting than their own real life histories. Polo manages to stand out for her acts of charity and decency even when dealing with these impossible men who aren’t worthy of them. Her instincts about Hughes and Gross are dead on. It’s too bad the film insists on a happy ending. Berg would go on to play a more memorable dope in The Last Seduction. Like Gross’ character, it’s hard to warm to someone this unsympathetic and destructive.

As for Hughes’ mysterious sugar mama, I didn’t really dislike her but I didn’t find her all that seductive, either. It’s not entirely her fault. The movie gives her no room to be truly sexy or dicky. It’s obvious she’s stringing along Gross just for a fling. After a while, even he realizes it’s time to go. It’s not like she’s introducing him to publishers or anything.

Aspen Extreme sometimes feels like a whole season of a TV soap opera shoved into a two-hour movie and yet there are long stretches where nothing of interest really happens. As someone who has never really liked movies about skiing, I never thought I would be thankful for all these athletic diversions. If only the film was as beautiful as its scenery.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Saturday, March 20, 2021
4:08 a.m.

How To See All The 2021 Oscar-Nominated Feature Films

The question is obvious. How can the motion picture academy put on an awards show when theatres have been mostly closed for the past year? The answer is also obvious: streaming services.

For the first time ever, most of the feature films nominated for Academy Awards this year have mostly been seen on Netflix, HBO Max, Disney+, Hulu and Amazon Prime. Many, in fact, were sold to those companies by major studios unable to implement their usual, multi million-dollar distribution campaigns, although some did manage to get some limited cinematic runs. The academy adjusted their rules to make these films eligible for golden gongs.

With so many major titles delayed for much of 2020, there were far fewer major studio releases than usual. With no new Bond film, ninth Fast & Furious entry or A Quiet Place Part II, the Best Visual Effects category alone is very different this year than it would’ve normally been. That doesn’t mean there’s been a severe shortage of critically acclaimed films. Quite the contrary, in fact.

While lauded titles like The Mauritarian were completely snubbed, plenty more were invited to the Oscar party including Nomadland, Minari and Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom. That said, who would’ve thought Borat 2 would’ve earned an acting nod for one of its stars?

For the first time, two women are nominated for Best Director and a curious rematch of sorts between Glenn Close and Olivia Colman is happening in the Best Supporting Actress category. (Colman famously upset Close for Best Actress a couple of years ago, you may recall.)

With the ceremony scheduled for April 25, the first time this has occurred since 1984, there’s plenty of time to check out many of the nominated feature films. And you can do so without ever leaving your home. While I’ll be waiting for their eventual video releases, if you have subscriptions to any VOD service, a flick feast awaits you right now. (Dates are given for DVD/Blu-ray debuts unless otherwise noted.) If necessary, I’ll make updates to the list. Until then, let the catching up begin!

Another Round – March 30

Better Days – Now available on DVD & Blu-ray

Borat Subsequent Moviefilm – Now streaming on Amazon Prime

Collective – Now available on DVD & Blu-ray

Crip Camp – Now streaming on Netflix

Da 5 Bloods – Now streaming on Netflix

Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga – Now streaming on Netflix

Emma – Now available on DVD and Blu-ray

The Father – Now playing in theatres and streaming on VOD March 26

Greyhound – Now streaming on Apple TV+

Hillbilly Elegy – Now streaming on Netflix

Judas And The Black Messiah – May 4/Now playing in theatres and streaming on HBO Max

The Life Ahead – Now streaming on Netflix

Love And Monsters – Now available on DVD & Blu-ray

Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom – Now streaming on Netflix

The Man Who Sold His Skin – Now playing in theatres

Mank – Now streaming on Netflix

The Midnight Sky – Now streaming on Netflix

Minari – Now playing in theatres and streaming on VOD, DVD/Blu-ray: May 18

The Mole Agent – Now available on DVD & Blu-ray

Mulan – Now available on DVD & Blu-ray

My Octopus Teacher – Now streaming on Netflix

News Of The World – March 23

Nomadland – DVD/Blu-ray: April 27/Now streaming on Hulu

One Night In Miami – Now streaming on Prime Video

The One And Only Ivan – Now streaming on Disney+

Onward – Now available on DVD & Blu-ray

Over The Moon – Now streaming on Netflix

Pieces Of A Woman – Now streaming on Netflix

Pinocchio – Now available on DVD & Blu-ray

Promising Young Woman – Now available on DVD & Blu-ray

Quo Vadis, Aida? – Now streaming on Amazon Prime

A Shaun The Sheep Movie: Farmageddon – Now streaming on Netflix

Sound Of Metal – Now streaming on Amazon Prime

Soul – March 23

Tenet – Now available on DVD & Blu-ray

Time – Now streaming on Prime Video

The Trial Of The Chicago 7 – Now streaming on Netflix

The United States Vs. Billie Holiday – Now streaming on Hulu

The White Tiger – Now streaming on Netflix

Wolfwalkers – Back in theatres March 19 and streaming on Apple TV+

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Wednesday, March 17, 2021
2:36 a.m.

UPDATE: Nomadland hits home video April 27. Judas And The Black Messiah can now only be seen in theatres. It’s no longer streaming on HBO Max. And Wolfwalkers can be seen on Apple TV+.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Saturday, March 20, 2021
11:32 p.m.

UPDATE 2: Judas And The Black Messiah will arrive on DVD and Blu-ray May 4.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Saturday, March 27, 2021
7:49 p.m.

UPDATE 3: The Man Who Sold His Skin opens in theatres later today.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Friday, April 2, 2021
2:46 a.m.

UPDATE 4: Minari hits DVD and Blu-ray on May 18. Previously, I mentioned Quo Vadis, Aida? can be seen on VOD. This has been changed to Amazon Prime.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Saturday, April 10, 2021
3:10 a.m.

Embarrassing Quotes From Howard Stern’s April 13, 2020 Interview With Andrew Cuomo

Andrew Cuomo is in serious shit. The current Governor of New York is facing serious allegations of sexual harassment, bullying, intimidation, and, most notable of all, covering up damning details about his horrendous COVID-19 record. In recent days, as more revelations pore forth in the public domain, the calls for his resignation continue to grow in large numbers.

Most New York-based Democrats, to their credit, are part of that angry chorus. As of now, though, he’s staying put. An investigation has been launched by the Attorney General who, coincidentally, was endorsed by Cuomo during her election campaign. Demands for impeachment are getting louder. (President Biden, facing his own series of sexual harassment accusers, has just announced his support for the AG investigation, without urging Cuomo to step down, which conveniently allows him to not take a side.) (MARCH 16 UPDATE: In a recent interview, Biden stated that if the investigation proves Cuomo’s guilt, he should resign. He also believes if that in fact is the case, it could lead to a criminal prosecution.)

As former allies of the embattled Governor continue to abandon him every day, there’s been much deserved criticism for how he was overly praised for much of last year in spite of rare critical reporting by the likes of David Sirota’s Daily Poster website. As the COVID crisis engulfed America, and with then-President Trump flailing about publicly downplaying its dangerous significance (while telling Bob Woodward the complete opposite), the media and Democratic supporters were desperate for some kind of political daddy figure to reassure them that everything was going to be ok and that everything was under control, at least in some parts of the country.

This led to the extremely cringy “Cuomosexual” phenomenon espoused by the likes of Chelsea Handler and Daily Show host Trevor Noah, two fools who should know better, among many others. While Noah made a self-deprecating remark at his own expense on a recent show once reality could no longer be denied (without him playing his Ellen appearance or any relevant Daily Show clips, the act of a coward), one comedian who has been extraordinarily tight-lipped is Howard Stern.

The longtime New York broadcaster has been a longtime Cuomo sycophant for years. I can’t remember him ever saying anything critical of him. As the bad news started to flow a short time ago, Stern’s only response on his show has been a brief remark vaguely acknowledging the uncomfortable situation but standing by the governor. (He’s also been unwilling to talk about frequent guest Marilyn Manson’s own growing list of victims.)

Last year, Cuomo made two appearances on The Howard Stern Show. The first one was a phone interview that aired on April 13. It is so embarrassingly gushy the full transcript of it can be read and heard on the Governor’s official government website. Here are the most noteworthy quotes that, shall we say, have not aged well:

1. Stern: “I love you. I loved you when you first became Governor and I’ve always talked you up on the air. I particularly appreciate what you are doing during the coronavirus. You are providing real leadership and your whole demeanor is just well, for lack of a better word, a turn on. You are providing great leadership.”

2. Stern: “…why do I get this feeling – I think even if it is just in your demeanor. I get this feeling that you are really in control, that you are doing everything you can, that you are organized.”

3. Stern: “…are you shocked by all this unbelievable outpouring of love for you? The guy just told me you’re now on the cover of Rolling Stone, which is reserved for rock stars and in a sense, what they’re saying is our governor in New York is a rock star. Are you just blown away by this sudden – now you are the sexiest man in America, my own Robin who works with me is thinking of dating you –

Robin Quivers: Well he’s single, Howard.

Stern: Yes, and giving herself to you. You know what it is? Confidence is sexy, is it not?

Quivers: Yes, it’s back.”

4. Stern: “When I ran into you last summer, I said I wish you had run for President. You know, and I know you’re on record as saying you’re a Biden guy and I back Biden, too, I think Biden will be terrific but god you seem like just the right choice right now with the way you speak, it’s attractive and the competence is attractive. I think you would win in a landslide right now, and you know that too. Is there any regret?

Andrew Cuomo: No there’s no regret. There’s no regret. I’m doing – I’m doing what I said I would do. And when you are doing that and you’ve been true to yourself and you are true to the relationships around you, you have no regrets and that’s the most important thing.”

5. Cuomo: “I haven’t changed. I’m doing what I’m doing. The public’s appetite has changed, and their desires have changed. Politics is no longer a celebrity contest. Who you elect to office is no longer a boutique, white wine drinkers cocktail party discussion. We see real life that this matters – the people who are in charge, who are in office, they make decisions that decide life and death, literally.”

6. Stern: “Well I got to tell you, Governor, I was never jaded about politicians. I know some are, who knows what they’re in it for, but I always felt they are people who have a genuine calling for public service, you know? And I think about you and I think about, ‘You know what, if my father had been the governor,’ and you could have gotten a law degree and gone into corporate law and made a killing, you would have made a fortune, you know what I mean? You’d be sitting there with a pile of dough. I always admired that you chose a life of public service. And I do appreciate it. But you know, everyone is so jaded now, ‘Everyone’s in it for the wrong reasons,’ I think there are some that are really into it for the right reasons, we’ve become so jaded.

Cuomo: Yeah but I think there’s a second lens also. Okay, you’re in it for the right reasons. Second, can you do the job? And what is the job? And the job today is life and death. And wow, we haven’t seen that in a longtime. When was the last time government did anything that impacted your life seriously? You’d have to go back to Vietnam War for a generation that was really impacted by government. Well, government matters, and there’s something called government competence and professionalism and leadership and that has been reintroduced to the public.”

7. Stern: “Who do you talk to, I mean the pressure on you right now is just astronomical and I don’t pretend to even understand what your day is like, so when you’re freaking out and you’re seeing some real horror scene here and you’re up close and you know that New York is depending on you, who do you talk to unstress? You got a shrink?

Cuomo: No. I sort of talk to everyone and people fill different needs for me. There is no one person, Howard. I talk to a number of people and it sort of works for me that way. But also I’m more fundamental as a person, especially the older I get. Who is going to help you with a problem that 700 people died yesterday? No one will. No one can help. There is no one who can help you.”

8. Cuomo: “…I’ll tell you by and large one of the real stories of this, why were all the projections wrong? Remember all the projections so far have said many more people would die and many more people would be hospitalized, starting with the White House projections. We’re now entering this revisionist phase where some people say this was a political conspiracy theory, it was never going to be that bad. The White House numbers, McKinsey, Columbia, Cornell University, every study that was done, the Gates funded study, they all said it was going to be much, much worse.”

9. Stern: “Are there things you [k]now about this virus that you haven’t told the public because we aren’t strong enough to handle it? I always had this vision of a government, as governor you know things that I don’t know and there is things that maybe you can’t talk about. Are there things that we’re just not able to handle or is this 100 percent total transparency?

Cuomo: “See I know, or I knew, that you were going to think that because that’s what I would be thinking if I were you. So one of the reasons every morning, I go out there every morning since this started and I know that you’re sitting there thinking that in your head so I go to great pains to say here is every fact I know and here is the worst construction of it, here is the moderate construction, and here is the most acceptable construction, and it’s not me, here are all the experts and here are all the opinions, you decide. You know everything that I know. That’s important that you have to believe, Howard, that you have all the facts that I have because if you start distrusting ballgame is over. Then when I stand up and I say, okay Howard, you have to agree to social distancing, you are going to say I don’t believe you. It’s government come down to credibility. It’s credibility first and then competence but if you don’t have the credibility you don’t get the competence. So everything I know I have told the public.”

10. Cuomo: “Nobody is getting under my skin. I don’t operate on that level now. This is about what I have to do for New York, what’s the best thing I can do for New York, and whoever can help me do that I will work with, and whoever is contrary to that I will oppose – period. There is no ego in this. We don’t have the luxury of ego. I feel, I feel – who cares how I feel? But I can’t have things happen that are mistakes, right?”

11. Stern: “I’ll tell you something – you and your brother [Chris on CNN]. It’s turned into a thing. Even my psychiatrist said to me, ‘God, don’t you love when Governor Cuomo and his brother talk – it’s just so delightful’

Quivers: It’s real.

Stern: Yeah, it’s real, it’s become a thing that actually calms people down…you guys got a little chemistry going –

Quivers: You make it look good.

Stern: Yeah it’s sweet. It’s very sweet.

Cuomo: Well, and it’s also 100 percent genuine.”

12. Cuomo: “…the eulogy of my father’s [former NY Governor Mario] administration was great speaker, but didn’t get enough things done. That was an ugly review, but it’s one that pained him. Together, because he was very much with me at the beginning of my administration also, we were going to fix all of that. We were going to address all the criticism, even if unfair, and learn all the lessons that were fair.

Stern: Yeah, because you know what, you’re right. Because it’s very interesting, the rabbi in you is, you get stuff done. It’s as if you’re the complete opposite of what his image was. He was the guy in the ivory tower who could write speeches, the public thought, but you’re the guy who can get things done. When you’re at those press briefings, people are seeing it and they’re loving it. 

Quivers: But he’s also a great speaker too. So he’s…the new and improved. 

Stern: You are. You’re just unbelievable. You know, look, I don’t know what to tell you about what our future is. I don’t know a thing. I’m sitting here in my basement doing a broadcast, but I am telling you from the bottom of my heart, I’m thanking God every day for you. I just love what you do. 

Quivers: New York. All of New York. 

Stern: All of New York. I mean really something. I was going to offer you Robin, as a matter of fact. Who is ready to jump in. 

Quivers: Here I am. Sacrificing it. 

Stern: You said you wanted the Governor. 

Quivers: Well if it’s necessary, I will do it. 

Stern: When this is over, Governor, this might be your girlfriend, Robin Quivers, right here. I’m not kidding. 

Cuomo: Robin, did Howard tell you I was single? 

Quivers: No, he didn’t. I had to find it out on my own. He was going to offer me up regardless. 

Stern: Well are you lonely, Governor? Not having a – let’s put it this way, you are single. Are you lonely? 

Cuomo: Am I lonely? I’m not. I have my kids with me now, I have a great, great team. I’m too busy to be lonely. But there may come a time.

Stern: Are you on any dating sites where Robin can link up with you? What is your profile on?

Cuomo: Available govs. Look at available govs website.

Stern: Are you on Raya? That’s the one where celebrities go to find other celebrities.”

13. Stern: “Are you drinking at all? Do you have booze at night to unwind a little?

Cuomo: No.

Stern: Nothing?

Cuomo: No drinks. Nothing. Not a drop since this started.

Quivers: Wow.

Cuomo: Nothing, not a beer. This is 24 hours a day and I’m not going to be in a compromised position. I’m at the age where you have a couple of glasses of wine you feel it the next day. I’m not going to be diminished now. I wouldn’t do that.

Howard Stern: I love that answer.

Robin Quivers: Thank you for your selflessness.”

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Sunday, March 14, 2021
11:51 p.m.

Blumhouse’s The Craft: Legacy

Here’s something I don’t understand about the teen witches in The Craft movies. Why are they still going to high school?

If you’re powerful enough to manipulate people into thinking and doing anything you want them to and if you can literally stop time at any given moment, why do you even need a diploma? What’s holding you back from ruling the world? Who in the hell is going to stop you?

In the original Craft, the four young women who formed a coven couldn’t even get along through the entire movie. They stupidly fought against each other until one ended up in a mental institution.

In this sequel with a new generation of spellcasters, yes, there is a brief estrangement in the final leg but thankfully no in-fighting. And yet, like the original witches of its predecessor, they have no grand ambitions beyond sticking it to their enemies. We’re talking mean girls and douchey guys here, young kids with very little institutional power. These are low-level goons they want to conquer. Imagine if they wanted to abolish the police.

As before, we have three witches in search of a “natural” fourth, one who already has supernatural abilities of her own who can enhance the group dynamic. Nothing magical can happen for them until they recruit the right person to complete the circle. (Why the trio proceeds before this happens is rather dumb.) In the first Craft, it was Robin Tunney. This time, it’s Cailee Spaeny (Pacific Rim: Uprising). With her pixie haircut and innocent face, she resembles a young Audrey Hepburn crossed with Natalie Portman. She looks a lot younger than her actual 23 years. Instantly sympathetic because she radiates sweetness, she’s also very sexy. (She looks great in those tight jeans and cross earrings.) I’m amazed only one guy crushes on her and that’s only because she casts a love spell on him.

He’s played by Nicholas Galitzine. Coming very close to being a self-parody in two respects, Timmy (that’s his character’s name) is that dinkus in class who says dumb shit at someone’s expense to get a cheap laugh despite the constant annoyance of his teacher. When poor Lily (Spaeny) has an ill-timed embarrassing moment, he’s the first to point it out. Devastated and teary-eyed, she hides out in the bathroom until she’s befriended by Frankie (Gideon Aldon), Tabby (Lovie Simone) and Lourdes (Zoey Luna). The circle is now complete.

When Timmy harasses Lily in the hall in between classes, she turns into a Scanner and he goes flying against the lockers. Both get detention. When she’s summoned telepathically to hook up with her new witchy friends out waiting for her in the hall, he can’t help but trip her as she passes him by.

To get their revenge, they break into his bedroom. Employing a used condom found in his trash bin (do they really have to do this?), they instantly transform him into a more sensitive, modern-day Alan Alda with intersectional political views. Great. Another white male “feminist”.

Actually, what they’ve really done is eliminate his fear. For you see, Timmy is a complicated bully. Having lost his mom at age 11, he’s been trying to secretly communicate with her in his bedroom through a Ouija board. (He swears she’s responded.) He’s also had a gay experience. These are revelations to the witches who he now wants to hang out with on a regular basis. He grows closest to Lily. (If only he knew what she was doing with his abandoned sweatshirt. I wish I excited a woman that much.) Thankfully, he does not become an obsessive stalker like Skeet Ulrich in the first movie. He doesn’t violate any boundaries.

The movie is trying to make a point about toxic masculinity and how suppressing one’s real feelings is detrimental to the overall health of young boys in the long run, an important point, actually. The problem is Timmy feels like less of a character and more of a prop for wish fulfillment. It’s clear, prior to the spell, that his thinking has been influenced by a sinister force. After the incantation, he is able to shed his outward dickishness and reveal his vulnerability, all the while not knowing he’s still not liberated from outside forces. When something bad happens to him, the witches blame themselves except Lily who suspects foul play. The point is he’s never able to think for himself without someone forcing him to act the way they want him to, not necessarily how he wants to.

In the meantime, Lily has her own problem. Her mom Helen (super Milfy Michelle Monaghan) has fallen for the mysterious Adam (a sadly miscast David Duchovny), a published MRA guru with three teenage sons, two of whom are close friends with Timmy, although one is now keeping his distance.

From the moment Adam hugs Lily after she arrives with her mom to their new home, she is instantly repulsed. There’s a scene where she finds one of his books in the den and it’s suddenly yanked from her hands. She’s the only one in the room. After the incident with Timmy where she uses her mind to hurl him against the lockers at school, Adam becomes less warm. It turns out he has magical powers of his own. So, how come he’s not ruling the world, either? Why bother writing books when you can fuck shit up? I don’t remember General Zod being this reticent.

This second Craft movie comes nearly a quarter century after the original which was a modest hit in its original theatrical run and has now developed an undeserved cult following. However, because of the COVID-19 crisis and its subsequent lockdowns, Legacy has not been able to secure the same traditional wide release. I’m convinced it would not have been as popular had that happened.

It’s true, this core group of witches is more diverse than the original foursome. In The Craft, we had three white chicks and a Black girl. But, in Legacy, we get a sassy Latina who isn’t funny and hopelessly lusts for one of Lily’s stepbrothers, another Black gal with fantastic hair but not much else and a cute trans girl played by an actual trans actress. Audiences should see themselves represented on screen. But they should also be rewarded with insightful characterizations. Lourdes’ only memorable trait is her gender identity which I wouldn’t have guessed had she not mentioned it. Why not give her more to do? (One wonders if Timmy should’ve lusted for her instead.)

For all their considerable advantages, the progressive witches in Legacy are strangely hesitant to use their powers to change unjust systems. The best they can do is humiliate jerky boys, like turning one’s hoodie into a rainbow design as he torments a wimpy gay guy and ramming the head of a bitchy mean girl against the wall without physically touching her. Why not aim for more despicable people in actual positions of power? Why restrict yourself to inconsequential nobodies? Even Adam is pretty low on the totem pole of evil.

Like the original Craft, Legacy only occasionally tries to scare you and not very well, it must be said. Almost all of them involve Lily. Take the scene where she’s awakened by the distracting sound of her floor creaking in her bedroom one night. When someone switches on the light, there’s her wobbling, slumbering stepbrother standing in the corner for some reason. A lame false alarm. It’s not the only one.

By the time we reach the climax when Duchovny completes his inevitable heel turn, you’d be hard pressed to feel anything other than let down. He’s not exactly a difficult adversary to overcome. What’s weird is he has followers including members of his own family. Why aren’t they out there fighting with him?

Late in the film, a shocked Lily learns about her past. It sets up a final scene where she meets someone for the first time. It’s someone we’ve seen before, someone I should’ve guessed correctly but didn’t because maybe I was hoping for once to be surprised. No, truthfully, I was wrong because I had already forgotten the ending of the original Craft which I had finally screened last year. It could only have been this one person.

The thing is it doesn’t really make any sense. If that character has been in the same location since the first movie, how could she have possibly found herself in a situation that would come back to haunt her all these years later?

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Friday, March 5, 2021
4:21 a.m.

Rogue (2020)

Megan Fox has long been a movie star in search of an iconic role. Frequently cast as a leggy sex goddess, filmmakers often fail to see her as potentially anything more than that. But there’s always been a hint of darkness about her, a hidden edge rarely allowed to be fully explored. We got a sense of that possibility in Jennifer’s Body where she played an ice cold predator who lures horny teenage boys into a murderous trap. The film suffers from an identity crisis (is it a horror film with a sense of humour or a black comedy with scares?) but Fox was so convincing you wonder why she doesn’t play more heels.

In Rogue, she delivers one of her better performances as Sam, a role that could’ve also been played by Angelina Jolie had she not already been Lara Croft. She’s the mostly stoic head of a ragtag group of private mercenaries hired by a corrupt South African governor to retrieve his kidnapped daughter. Deliberately unencumbered by familial ties (she’s not married, has no kids and doesn’t even date), she has fully immersed herself in this murky, unethical world of unaccountable savagery. There’s no flirting with her male underlings, no revealing attire, not even a victorious third-act kiss. In fact, the big complaint about her is that she’s not emotional at all.

Fox is strictly business as she leads her troops on a predictably doomed mission. The governor’s daughter is found but so are two other teen girls. This poses a problem. In a bit of unconvincing irony, Sam has to be talked into freeing the other two.

Barely fleeing in their getaway car in the middle of a gunfight, they are chased to the edge of a cliff by the surviving kidnappers. As their own numbers start to dwindle, Fox and her team jump into the water and get a brief reprieve. They have no choice. The head kidnapper, a British ex-pat who pays lip service to fundamentalism to cover his real intentions, blows up their extraction helicopter with a well-aimed RPG. They’re stuck fending for themselves.

Horror fans will remember an earlier film called Rogue, an Australian production that focused on an insatiable crocodile. When one of the whiny victims in the 2020 Rogue refuses to keep walking with the others, in what feels like an homage to the 2007 film, her decision to stay absolutely still proves fatal. It’s not like she wasn’t warned. You see it coming before it even happens. It’s almost a bad laugh. Honestly, she’s not missed. I don’t know how the kidnappers put up with her.

That’s a big problem for a horror film like this, a lack of surprises. Indeed, many of the mostly jump scares in this Rogue aren’t effective. History is usually a reliable guide for when they will happen. And yet, the movie gets off to a truly disturbing start.

We begin not with Fox and the grunts, but with poachers collecting lions big and small on what’s called a canned farm. Later on, one of Fox’s mercenaries gives a pretty good backstory on why they exist. Murdered one by one, the carcasses are skinned and de-boned for lucrative markets built on questionable beliefs and dependent on fresh supplies which are becoming more difficult to come by. Lions are easier to breed in captivity than tigers but both are becoming endangered because of these unchecked immoral practices.

One such lion manages to survive and chomps away on two of her outmatched captors. In search of her two missing cubs, she’ll attack anyone that poses a threat. Space was right. Females are the more deadly of the species.

After making it out of the water, Fox and company arrive at this now abandoned farm not realizing their situation has gotten much worse. There’s also no power and no food. (A couple of characters share a stale energy bar in appreciation.) And so, surviving the night is far from certain. (Indeed, some will prove all too appetizing on the road to the fiery finale.)

When the generator is spotted and refueled, Fox is crestfallen when she learns through a CB Radio that no help is coming until sunrise, suddenly regretting even agreeing to be a part of this mission. She tries to convince the others that they’ll be fine but Pata (Sisanda Henna in a good, sympathetic performance), a former local ally of the kidnappers who leads the grunts to the caged teen girls, knows the relentlessness of their pursuers all too well. This freaks out the young women who don’t realize that he has his own legitimate gripe with the guerillas. They have nothing to worry about. He’s certainly no threat to them.

Despite being released by Lionsgate, there apparently wasn’t enough money in the budget to make the pissed off lion mom a more convincing special effect which becomes far more noticeable the longer she appears on screen especially when she’s in the vicinity of actual lions. (Only seeing her eyes hidden in the bush in one scene creates the more desired effect. The rest of the time, we see her too much.) Obviously, it would’ve been stupid to use a real animal but by God, this is shoddy work, to say the least.

Also not helping is the film’s constant use of bad jokes in the middle of otherwise serious sequences. With the exception of the very funny running gag about the catchy insidiousness of a certain Backstreet Boys song (a bit that only works twice), none of this is amusing. It’s as though the filmmakers know the subject matter is really dark so to lighten the mood somewhat they have the heroes cast off one-liners. But unfortunately this incessant quipping falls flat and become annoyingly distracting. It takes away the importance of the anti-poaching message.

It’s hard not to think of Predator and Aliens when watching Rogue and that’s another strike against it. The set-up is too similar and while they too had comic relief, they had better material and more memorable characters. It also helped they weren’t trying to make a statement about real-life genocides. Their fictional scenarios were meant to be fun and not heavy, despite the routine displaying of graphic violence. The music was better, too, especially the hypnotic jungle rhythms in Predator.

By the time the guerillas arrive as expected on the old abandoned poaching farm, suddenly we’re in a video game as Fox and her surviving team members start pinging off a seemingly endless amount of angry extras that come out of every corner of the screen. It’s hard to think of them as people when they last about five seconds each. They’re just moving targets waiting to be popped. Fox’s charisma shines through here but this is by-the-numbers stuff. There’s little excitement.

Rogue ends with a graphic discussing the rampant problem of real-life poaching. Not mentioned is how incredibly difficult it is to stop the practice of it altogether. (The British villain implicates the unseen governor.) As noted in the film, these unconscionable hunters are ruthless, have powerful political connections and don’t appreciate interference. Without a global body determined to seek full accountability for such ongoing atrocities, nothing will change. There is no worldwide movement big enough to make this happen.

“Everything has a value,” the chief kidnapper asserts to Fox just before he unwittingly walks into a trap. He’s not a terrorist, he’s a capitalist. But these days, it’s hard to tell the difference. The makers of Rogue seem to understand that. But they’re too committed to a weak popcorn format to inspire true outrage.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Monday, March 1, 2021
12:05 a.m.