A male classmate groped me once in a primary school bathroom without warning. It ultimately convinced me to never go in the group shower after gym class.
A couple of years later after I moved and changed schools, at my then-best friend’s birthday party I was forced to show my penis to her and all the other girls she invited from our class as I froze in terror in her bedroom.
They screamed. It didn’t sound like a positive reaction.
When I was 15 I had my first girlfriend. At the bowling league we attended weekly she used to sit on my aroused lap in between frames. It lasted three Fridays and ended on a misunderstanding. She really was 14, not 12 like I was deliberately misinformed. I got someone else to dump her for me. She eventually got over it. No, I’m not proud of this.
During a field trip, I dry humped a girl in front of my classmates as a joke. She thought I liked her. I’m not proud of this, either.
I had one proper date with a girl I crushed on in band class in high school. Before I could take her to see Lethal Weapon 3, her overprotective mother had to grill me at her house like a judge in a parole hearing. We never dated again.
There was another girl I lusted for back then. The feeling was quite mutual. I asked her out once. She said yes. Then she took it back. Why? She was pregnant. We’re still friends today.
In college, I discovered Internet chatrooms and instant messaging. Surely, I’d have better luck. Nope. I found myself foolishly involved with a wide variety of incompatible women, none of whom lived in my city. Nothing went further than the phone.
It was only after I went back on Yahoo Messenger that I met a sweet, goofy, eccentric young woman who looked forward to talking to me every time I messaged her, as did I. For three weeks, we laughed and turned each other on through the wonderful tools of modern communication.
Then she changed her profile. She wasn’t really single.
After a couple of angry emails, there was a prolonged silence. Every day for the next three months, I checked her MSN profile hoping she would be available again. (I avoided Yahoo because it was too painful and infuriating.) When she was, I made three promises to myself. I would forgive her and wipe the slate clean, I would meet her offline and, if there was chemistry, I would take her to bed.
Two months after we reconciled we had our first date in the park. I had my first makeout session ever. (I only gave my ex at the bowling alley a singular kiss. Well, two, actually. The first time the inside of my winter coat got in the way.) She showed me her nipple piercing. I showed her how excited I was. Her reaction saved my life. She had quite the grip.
Eight days later, she invited me to her turbulent family home. (Her divorced mother remarried an abusive American she met online. Both were thankfully away.) Looking beautiful with her sweet smelling, long reddish hair, her jean shorts and red “Canadian Girls Kick Ass” T-shirt, she met me at the bus stop. Once we were all alone up in her bedroom, the clothes came off. We spend a couple of hours in there, took a lunch break, then went back for another half hour.
She was 19. I was no longer a 29-year-old virgin. The relationship ended five weeks later. She wasn’t over her ex-fiance.
Needless to say, I relate very strongly to Andy, The 40 Year Old Virgin. As winningly played by Steve Carell, he is even more innocent and clueless about sex than I was but equally fearful. I grew up in the age of AIDS. And yet sex education itself scared me even more. All those pictures of diseased genitals. The possibility of unwanted pregnancies and incurable STDs. (I’m allergic to penicillin.) The unhelpful put-the-condom-on-the-banana routine. (I’m not hung like phallic fruit.) There was no talk of pleasure or even consent. (My boundaries had already been violated and I didn’t always keep my hands to myself which I regret. I was very confused. I’m not anymore.) Not that I had a healthy body image to begin with. (I’ve always been underweight.) To engage in something so seemingly risky even just once, I always imagined worst case scenarios. Many of my crushes were not reciprocated anyway.
Also like me, Andy is very self-conscious and insecure. He’s afraid of doing it wrong and disappointing a more experienced partner. His worst nightmare is not being accepted for who he is.
I was lucky. My ex was good-humoured, incredibly hot and supportive. Honestly, the moment I told her I was a virgin I’m convinced that made me more attractive to her. (How often does an experienced teen get to deflower an older man?) If only we had fooled around more. I wasn’t able to do for her what she did for me. She remains my only experience in the real world. That was 15 years ago, the year this film was released.
Andy is a collector and a loner. (I still live with my parents, rarely socialize and live for my CDs.) He’s so unhappy with his life he sometimes lies awake all night long staring blankly into nothingness. His only friends are an elderly Black couple that live in his apartment complex. They watch Survivor every week.
He has an unfulfilling job working in the backroom of an electronics store. (Lately, I’ve only been able to get short-term election gigs.) His co-workers are puzzled by him. He’s so quiet and aloof one thinks he might be a serial killer.
It’s only during a poker game they learn the truth.
Andy needs all the good advice he can get. But the fucked up bros he works with are not capable of espousing such wisdom. They’re all boorish horndogs except for David (Paul Rudd) who still hasn’t gotten over his ex two years after she cheated on him. I don’t care for his constant “slut” shaming, though. But I love that he’s a fan of Everybody Loves Raymond.
Because The 40 Year Old Virgin was co-written and directed by Judd Apatow, once again the running time is far too long (I watched the director’s cut which is over two hours). Although it’s definitely funnier than his usual fare, the comedy here is still very hit and miss, unfortunately. The best scene comes early when a petrified Andy can’t seem to outrun the constant presence of sexual advertising.
Far less endearing and overly dominant are his co-workers who repeatedly lead him down romantic and sexual dead-ends. One suggests he only talk in questions to the cute bookstore employee (Elizabeth Banks) who easily falls for this manipulative technique but as it later turns out is completely wrong for him. She’s too wild. So is his overly aggressive boss (Jane Lynch). She makes countless overtures to a dumbfounded Andy. You wonder if that’s why he keeps getting promoted.
Another insists he pick up a drunk girl at a bar. So he does and nearly dies in a car accident. A speed dating event doesn’t go well, either. (That’s Diamond Dallas Page’s first ex-wife Kimberly with her lovely tit hanging out, a major distraction for our hero. How does she not know she’s exposed?) He has such miserable luck even the trans sex worker the guys hire for him doesn’t want to take him to bed. (It wouldn’t be an Apatow Production if there weren’t terrible transphobic jokes, thankfully restricted to one scene.)
Andy doesn’t masturbate (which explains all those morning erections; as an aside, no one pees straight up, come on) so David brings him over a box of porn for inspiration. Unfortunately, he doesn’t know how to talk dirty so fantasizing about Stormy Daniels isn’t as scintillating as it should be. Her voice becomes his. Honestly, no one is this inept. Even I figured this out after college.
It isn’t until Trish enters SmartTech, the electronics store, that his life changes forever. There’s no doubt he will lose his virginity to her. There’s also no doubt this will be a very serious relationship. As played by the delightful and supercute Catherine Keener, who has such a natural charm I never caught her acting, she runs a weird business where she sells your shit on Ebay and yet operates out of a proper building. She has items in her store but you can’t pay for them and take them home.
The divorced Trish has her own insecurities. She has three kids and a grandchild. When Andy finally gets his act together about halfway through the film (he’s more confident in person than on the phone), they start their romance which is sweet and convincing but disappointingly smothered by all the uneven comedy.
Right after their first dinner date, it’s go time. But Andy doesn’t know how to put on a condom. (He should’ve asked Trish to do it for him. That’s what my ex did for me and it was awesome. Goddamn child proof packaging.) It doesn’t matter anyway because Trish’s mortified daughter Marla (Kat Dennings) walks in before anything happens and kills the mood.
This turns out to be the best thing for Andy. When Trish suggests they have a significant number of dates before attempting intimacy again, he is relieved. He’s perfectly fine with just smooching. But once they reach the 20-date plateau her remarkable patience is gone. Andy is so terrified about revealing his secret Trish is left to speculate why this weird little man with an extensive rare toy collection, a box of porn and a vagina model won’t satisfy her needs.
Despite all the raunchy dialogue, Apatow has very conservative views about love and sex. (One philandering character knocks up his girlfriend so of course she’s keeping the baby.) By this point, Andy and Trish are clearly in love and it isn’t until after they marry that they finally (and briefly) consummate the marriage which is barely shown, deflating all this build-up. It’s obvious from the beginning that the plan is to delay the big moment until the very end which means a lot of contrived stumbling blocks are strategically placed in Andy’s path.
While it’s certainly believable that Andy would be scared of calling Trish (he makes the mistake of pretending to be a telemarketer in one doomed call), once he starts dating her knowing she’s worried he might not want to become a stepdad (he gets along fabulously with her two live-in daughters so even she’s overreacting), shouldn’t that convince him to finally open up? I mean the woman is incredibly accommodating. (Because he rides a bike, she picks him up for their first outing. She even buys him a new one.) She could not be any kinder and more understanding. The more time they spend together, the more comfortable he becomes. He makes her laugh constantly and easily. There’s no awkwardness whatsoever. It should not take an accident for him to finally come clean. Based on my own personal experience, when a real opportunity to end my celibacy arose, I did not hesitate.
Despite its often ugly comedy, The 40 Year Old Virgin is not without its moving moments. After the obligatory fight over their lack of a sexual relationship, Andy gets plastered and almost makes a fatal blunder with the open-minded bookstore employee, another obligatory scene that lacks credibility. Marla, going through her own sexual frustrations (Trish won’t allow her to go on the pill until college), learns Andy’s secret first hand. And while she keeps her promise to not reveal it to her mom (I find it hard to believe that she wouldn’t break her word to make Trish happy), she makes it clear in a really nice heartfelt way that she approves of his presence in their lives. He might be a dork who loves magic and science fiction but his decency is infectious. He’s definitely an improvement over Trish’s inattentive ex-husband.
When Trish finally discovers the source of Andy’s anxiety, it’s a lovely, tender scene, a true moment of acceptance. But it should never have taken this long to happen.
It also wouldn’t be an Apatow Production without a startling amount of anti-gay jokes. Andy’s co-workers get into this annoying riff of mocking each other for having such bad taste and unmanly ideas they couldn’t possibly be heteronormal. Coldplay is a good band, assholes.
And then there’s the racism. Black characters addressing each other with epithets. Brown ones written as belligerent troublemakers. Representation doesn’t justify bigotry.
So much of The 40 Year Old Virgin revolves around bad-minded idiots steering a good man into a false identity. When Trish arrives for that first dinner date, all of Andy’s toys have been removed at the insistence of his new friends. He won’t even let her in his apartment. Having a hairy chest is fine if you’re Drew MacIntyre but Andy is forced to get it waxed off in a sequence that is basically the same dumb joke repeated over and over again. The process is so painful he leaves early.
Eventually, he lets his guard down. He shows Trish all his toys. She wonders how much they’re worth. If she sold them on his behalf (without taking a cut herself), maybe he could raise enough money to start his own electronics store, his life ambition, one that doesn’t play that same Michael MacDonald concert on all the display TVs every hour of the day at SmartTech.
This woman is an angel. How is he too afraid to get it on with her?
Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Saturday, February 1, 2020
3:54 a.m.
THE WRITINGS OF DENNIS EARL 
2020 Oscar Predictions
BEST PICTURE – 1917
Thanks to the expanded nomination slots, a reinstated policy over the last decade, the most significant Oscar category has become the most eclectic. Nine very different titles are competing for the top prize in what appears to be another open race with no definitive favourite.
There are films about real events and tragedies, some reimagined in fictional form. There are films about broken people and severed relationships. There’s a much debated origin story, a well regarded remake and the first Korean film ever to be nominated for Best Picture.
Speaking of Parasite, could it become the first foreign language winner in this category’s near centennial history? Despite a lot of critical praise, the academy remains mostly made up of old white dudes. It’s not going to win.
Neither is Ford V Ferrari, Joker, Jojo Rabbit or Marriage Story. They’ll all have to be satisfied with simply making the short list.
Scorsese already won for producing The Departed, one of his best films, and considering the fact that The Irishman briefly played in theatres only to qualify for contention before becoming a Netflix exclusive, a victory is highly unlikely. Just remember what happened to Roma (which is finally hitting DVD & Blu-ray later this month as part of The Criterion Collection). Also, The Irishman is three and a half hours long. How many academy members actually sat through the whole thing?
Only two films have a genuine shot at winning the ultimate dust collector. I suspect many are picking Tarantino’s Once Upon A Time In Hollywood, but like Joker, this summer hit has a lot of detractors. The business loves rewarding films about itself but they did pass over La La Land, lest we forget.
I’m reminded yet again of Roger Ebert’s assertion. Academy members vote for Best Picture with their hearts.
Sam Mendes’ 1917, supposedly shot in a singular take, depicts a single event in the bloody First World War. It was a big audience picture last month when it went into wider release and has received rave reviews. Again, the academy is mostly comprised of elderly Caucasians. Saving Private Ryan may have been passed over for Shakespeare In Love. But Harvey Weinstein is a pariah now. This time, the war movie will prevail.
BEST DIRECTOR – Sam Mendes (1917)
What’s the best way to predict who will secure the golden gong for Best Director? Look at who the DGA selected. The Director’s Guild Of America awarded its top prize to Sam Mendes for overseeing the epic 1917. In 2000, he originally won the DGA for helming the excellent American Beauty. Shortly thereafter, he went on to snag his first Oscar. 20 years later, he’ll be collecting his second.
BEST ACTRESS – Renee Zellweger (JUDY)
One of the major problems with the Academy Awards is its predictable acting winners. Every once in a while, though, there’s a shocker. Consider Olivia Colman’s stunning upset over perennial loser Glenn Close last year.
This year, however, all four acting categories appear to be already settled. Let’s start with Best Actress. We can immediately eliminate Charlize Theron. She already won for playing a lesbian serial killer. Frequent nominee Saoirse Ronan, she’s only 25 and is already on her fourth nomination, is still not being called up to the stage. Neither is double nominee Scarlett Johansson.
I do wonder if Cynthia Erivo, the only Black nominee, could be a major spoiler here. But she seems a real long shot. That leaves Renee Zellweger. More than 15 years ago, she won Best Supporting Actress for appearing in Cold Mountain. She continued to star in a bunch of films up until the early 2010s when she suddenly disappeared for a while. The academy loves a good comeback story and Zellweger’s turn as later-day Judy Garland during her last singing tour was certainly more appreciated than Judy the movie.
Having already made room on her shelf for a slew of prizes associated with the performance, she should set aside one more space for an Oscar.
BEST ACTOR – Joaquin Phoenix (JOKER)
Leo DiCaprio won this prize for The Revenant several years ago. He’s not winning a second.
And you can forget about Adam Driver, Jonathan Pryce and Antonio Banderas. They can watch the show from the comfort of their own living rooms. No one is calling any of their names.
Hard to believe it’s been more than a decade since the academy awarded the Best Supporting Actor gong to the much missed Heath Ledger for his benchmark portrayal of the most memorable Batman villain in The Dark Knight. And now, they’re about to do the same thing for Joaquin Phoenix this year in the lead category. He’s come a long way from Spacecamp.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS – Laura Dern (MARRIAGE STORY)
The past and the future collide in the race for Best Supporting Actress.
Perennial nominee Kathy Bates, who earned a Best Actress gong for scaring the shit out of author James Caan in Misery nearly 30 years ago, is not going to add another dust collector to her trophy case. Neither is recent two-time nominee Margot Robbie. First timer Florence Pugh (wrestling fans will recognize her as Paige from Fighting With My Family) hopefully has a long career ahead of her beyond this latest Little Women update.
As for Scarlett Johansson, she’ll have the dubious distinction of being the only current nominee to be passed over in two acting categories. At least she’ll be in good company.
Since the nominations were announced, Laura Dern has been deemed an untouchable favourite. Already the recipient of many awards for her acclaimed performance in Marriage Story, including a recent SAG honour, what’s one more? I will be genuinely shocked if her name is not in that envelope.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR – Brad Pitt (ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD)
Everybody in this category has won at least a single Oscar and not necessarily in this category.
Anthony Hopkins took what Brian Cox did in the wrongly overlooked Manhunter and added a lot more quiet intensity and depravity to his more iconic version of Hannibal Lecter in The Silence Of The Lambs which led to his sole Academy Award victory. Al Pacino finally grabbed one after so many incredulous dismissals for his brilliant performance as a blind, crotchety, suicidal veteran in Scent Of A Woman, itself a poignant gem. His Irishman co-star Robert De Niro won a supporting trophy for playing the young Vito Corleone in Godfather 2 and a lead trinket as Jake La Motta in Raging Bull. And then there’s Tom Hanks, himself a two-time winner, first for playing an AIDS-afflicted lawyer fighting for dignity in Philadelphia and as the lovably oblivious Forrest Gump. Remember, he won his Best Actor Oscars at two consecutive ceremonies.
Brad Pitt has one. But curiously, not for being on screen. He produced the Best Picture winner 12 Years A Slave. That can mean only one thing. He’s finally taking home a golden gong for acting.
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE – TOY STORY 4
BEST ORIGINAL SONG – (I’m Gonna) Love Me Again (ROCKETMAN)
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY – PARASITE
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY – JOJO RABBIT
BEST ORIGINAL SCORE – 1917
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS – THE IRISHMAN
BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN – ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD
BEST ANIMATED SHORT – HAIR LOVE
BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT – NEFTA FOOTBALL CLUB
BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT – LEARNING TO SKATE IN A WARZONE (IF YOU’RE A GIRL)
BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE – AMERICAN FACTORY
BEST INTERNATIONAL FEATURE FILM – PARASITE
BEST SOUND EDITING – FORD V FERRARI
BEST SOUND MIXING – FORD V FERRARI
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY – 1917
BEST FILM EDITING – FORD V FERRARI
BEST MAKE-UP & HAIRSTYLING – BOMBSHELL
BEST COSTUME DESIGN – LITTLE WOMEN
Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Saturday, February 8, 2020
3:48 a.m.
- Academy Awards
- Commentary
- Movie Reviews
- Movies
on February 8, 2020 at 3:49 am Leave a Comment