The Most Beautiful Cast On Television

Sometimes I wish I was a high-ranking CW mogul
So I could spend all my time sighing around beautiful Kate Voegele

There’s another young lady who has a remarkable tush
She’s a husky-voiced hottie named Sophia Bush

If we were football players, I’d live for her tackles
Instead I shyly pine away for sexy Danneel Ackles

Ditto this hot blonde who always delivers the goods
That milfilicious sexpot, Barbara Alyn Woods

My lusting is far from over, I’m not even close to being done
I wonder if I’d ever have a shot with pretty Alison Munn

She’d be annoyed by my staring and you really couldn’t blame her
But I can’t help being mesmerized by the adorable Jana Kramer

There’s not much in life of which I am certain
Except my terminal crush on the dazzling Hilarie Burton

It’s not often you see someone who makes you think, “Wow!”
But it’s the best way to describe the desirable Kelsey Chow

Standing close to this next babe, I’d look and feel like Gonzo
I’m really quite taken with the alluring Daniella Alonzo

A once cynical Goth, I’m sure to find solace
In the warmhearted embrace of cuddly Amber Wallace

If I was with this next gal, my words I wouldn’t mince
I’d be open and honest with the irresistible Bevin Prince

She shares my birthday and is way cooler than Menudo
It’s easy to have affection for the Greek goddess, Maria Menounos

Seeing her play a delusional stalker, she’s anything but dull
But off-camera, I’m betting she’s nicer, the lovely Amanda Schull

I wish I had a license so I could be her personal chauffeur
She’s elegant and slinky, the beguiling India de Beaufort

I really should do some crunches so I can flatten my belly
And dance the night away with the ageless Moira Kelly

If I was rich and together I’d come courting in a Mercedes Benz
But the delectable Joy Galeotti is married. 
Hey, isn’t her maiden name Lenz?

Does she love stand-up comedy?  I could do my bit on ovaltine
She really is a shiksa, that lovable Lisa Goldstein

She played a psychotic babysitter with a healthy libido
In real life, she’s a scrumptious vixen named Torrey DeVito

I don’t like paying retail, in fact, I’d rather pay less
But I’d probably spend a fortune to woo tasty Katherine Bailess

In the big, bad world, you better watch your back, son
Life’s more comfortable
If you’re dating the delicious Sasha Jackson

I hope she’s a cougar but I’m pretty sure I’m wrong
I’ve long been an admirer of cutie pie Bess Armstrong

I love playing poker like announcer Vince Van Patten
But I’d rather get close
To the athletically sculpted Shantel VanSanten

She’s played two memorable characters who croaked on TV
She’d be fun to flirt with, the Teutonic doll named Sheryl Lee

I wonder what music she likes and whether she’s a fan of Alanis
Either way, I’d have a hard time
Concentrating around Michaela McManus

The awesomely rebellious sister with a body built for sin
In character she’s quite the temptress
That naughty Lindsey McKeon

She’s never bloody awful
In fact her presence is always great to see
Have long had a soft spot for the graceful Daphne Z

She has lit a flame in my heart that constantly flickers
It’s not awkward to acknowledge the delicious Ashley Rickards

She should change the name of her website to Canadianfox.ca
The smouldering Nikki who melts my TV? 
That’s Emmanuelle Vaugier

This stunning Clean Teen’s been acting since the age of trois
I’d have a hard time being articulate 
Around the now seductive Elizabeth Harnois

To the few I’ve forgotten, I’ve put myself in a difficult position
So let me acknowledge you all
As The Most Beautiful Cast On Television

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Thursday, September 29, 2011
8:04 p.m.

R.E.M.’s New Hits Collection Excludes Numerous Singles

Four days ago in this space, I wrote about R.E.M.’s upcoming greatest hits package and openly questioned the necessity of it.  At the time, it wasn’t clear what was going to make the cut but regardless, I expected to be disappointed.

Now we know and I am.  Yes, before even hearing a single note, I already have complaints.  The band announced that Part Lies, Part Heart, Part Truth, Part Garbage 1982-2011 will feature 40 tracks spread out over two discs.  As noted previously, there will be new material. 

We All Go Back To Where We Belong, a fitting title for a farewell release, will be the first single.  (It will drop October 18.)  A Month Of Saturdays and Hallelujah (presumably not the Leonard Cohen version) are the other new songs.  All three were recorded over the summer.

The rest of the collection is a mix of singles (both hits and flops) and album cuts.  (To view the entire track list, click here.)  When you look at what’s in, you can’t help but be discouraged by what was excluded.

Let’s start with Monster, the 1994 album that marked the band’s return to hard, noisy rock and roll and their last multi-platinum success (not counting In Time).  The CD spawned brilliant radio hits like Bang And Blame, Crush With Eyeliner, the controversial Strange Currencies (which detractors felt sounded too much like Everybody Hurts) and Star 69.  How many songs from this record are represented on the new hits package?  One.  What’s The Frequency, Kenneth? is the only one that made it.  Ridiculous.

Also missing in action are Drive, Ignoreland and Find The River (from Automatic For The People), Can’t Get There From Here (from Fables From The Reconstruction), Superman (from Lifes Rich Pagent), E-Bow The Letter, The Wake-Up Bomb and Bittersweet Me (from New Adventures In Hi-Fi), Daysleeper and Lotus (from Up), and Radio Song (from Out Of Time).  There are a few others but you get the general idea.

Wouldn’t it have been a much better plan to offer a triple CD so almost nothing would’ve been excluded?  God knows there’s an audience for it.  I mean if Sting can offer a triple-disc sampling of his solo work (while not perfect, it has its own share of exclusions (albeit far fewer than Part Truth), it features almost all of his biggest hits in their most familiar forms), why can’t R.E.M. follow his lead?

At any event, I still want to hear the record, particularly the new songs.  Those hoping this would be the best of all their hits packages will, like myself, not be terribly pleased by its utter lack of comprehensiveness.  A three-disc set of singles, featuring both hits and misses, would’ve been the best move. 

Let the grumbling from fans begin.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
3:15 a.m.

U2 Reissuing Achtung Baby

Four years ago, it was The Joshua Tree.  The year after that, it was Boy, October and War.  And last year, it was The Unforgettable Fire.

This year, it’s Achtung Baby’s turn to get the deluxe reissue treatment.  Hard to believe it’s been 20 years since the first appearance of U2’s magnificent follow-up to Rattle & Hum (speaking of which, how come that one hasn’t been updated?).  The album that pretty much kept me going during one of the worst times of my life is being re-released in no less than 5 different versions.  Let’s go through them one at a time:

For those who simply want a remastered version of the original CD without any extras, you can opt for the 12-track standard re-release.  From Zoo Station to Love Is Blindness, there are no bad songs.

Next is the two-disc Deluxe Edition.  Like the earlier reissues, it follows the same basic formula:  original album on disc one, B-Sides and rarities on disc two.  (If you’re a vinyl nut, you can go for the 4 LP box set which reportedly will include the same amount of tracks.) 

Although an official track listing has not been released, Universal Records has released a preliminary one that may change within the next few weeks.  Among the possible songs for the bonus disc:  the UV1 mix of Lady With The Spinning Head (which was ultimately reworked into three Achtung cuts including The Fly; an Extended Dance Mix previously appeared on The Best Of 1990-2000), Salome, Where Did It All Go Wrong, the single version of Even Better Than The Real Thing, the Temple Bar Remix of Who’s Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses (but not the Temple Bar Single Edit which was used in place of the album version for the video), Alex Descends Into Hell For A Bottle Of Milk/Cordova 1 (The Fly’s B-Side that also appeared on the Johnny Mneumonic soundtrack) and covers of Lou Reed’s Satellite Of Love, CCR’s Fortunate Son and The Rolling Stones’ Paint It Black.

As good as that line-up sounds, the Deluxe Edition won’t be nearly as comprehensive as the Super Deluxe Edition.  Now, get a load of this.  Besides the original Achtung Baby (disc one), you also receive Zooropa (disc two), the underrated 1993 album, plus four bonus CDs.  

Disc three (“Uber Remixes”), features 11 dance reworkings including Bono’s cover of Elvis Presley’s Can’t Help Falling In Love (his earlier take is on the Honeymoon In Vegas soundtrack) and the band’s remake of Cole Porter’s Night And Day most famously recorded by Frank Sinatra (a different version by U2 appeared on the Red Hot + Blue benefit album and disappointingly, is not part of any these reissues).

Disc four (“Unter Remixes”) features 11 more dance versions including the Zooromancer Remix of Salome as well as reworkings of the Zooropa singles, Lemon and Numb.  Each CD features three different re-dos of Mysterious Ways but not the Solar Plexus Club Mix, unfortunately.  And only half of the eight previously available Even Better Than The Real Thing remixes are expected to be included.  (If my math is good, all but five remixes in total from the Baby period will be a part of this particular release.)  Disc five is the B-Sides and Rarities disc from the Deluxe Edition.

The sixth and final disc is basically an alternate version of the original album nicknamed “Baby”.   (The unofficial track list for this massive set can be seen here.)

That’s not all.  You also get 4 DVDs including From The Sky Down, the documentary that recently screened at The Toronto International Film Festival (and apparently, isn’t getting a theatrical release), and the previously released Zoo TV concert from Sydney, Australia.  U2 made some of their most enduring, visually inventive videos during this period and they’re also included in the package.  It’s not yet known what else will be on the DVDs.

If that’s not enough to whet your appetite, you can always settle for the limited edition Uber Deluxe Edition, the biggest reissue of them all.  Combining the Vinyl Box Set with the contents of the Super Deluxe Edition, it also features 7″ records of each of the original album’s singles, individual blown up photos that collectively became Achtung Baby’s cover (also in the SDE), an edition of the band’s fan magazine, Propaganda, stickers, badges, a book (which oddly has 8 more pages than the SDE edition) and even a replica of Bono’s iconic Fly sunglasses.

After being mostly pleased with the Deluxe Editions of The Joshua Tree, Boy and October (I’m still looking for Unforgettable Fire and War), I’m wondering whether The Super Deluxe Edition, with all these remixes previously issued as Baby/Zooropa B-Sides, rather than the two-disc Deluxe Edition, is the version I most want.  God knows I could care less about overrated vinyl.  (I’m a CD die hard.)  While not offering every B-Side, The SDE offers a ton of extras nonetheless.

At any event, look for all these reissues on Halloween.  Start saving your pennies. 

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
1:12 a.m.

Do We Need Another R.E.M. Greatest Hits Package?

The announcement was surprising, although it really shouldn’t have been.  After more than 30 years of musicmaking, the most successful band to come out of Athens, Georgia mutually agreed to call it a day.  A truly rare occurrence in modern times.

R.E.M. had just released their latest studio album, Collapse Into Now, this past March.  A cross between Out Of Time and their previous effort, Accelerate, like those titles, it’s a welcome entry in my growing CD collection, a nice mix of acoustic ballads and driving rockers.  If it has to be the last collection of original material from this consistently solid band, then I can live with that.  At least they ended on a good note.

So, why is the band (in association with longtime label, Warner Bros.) collaborating on yet another greatest hits package?  More on that shortly.

In the meantime, let’s briefly review the band’s history for a moment.  After releasing one single on an indie label called Hib-Tone in 1981, the original version of Radio Free Europe, R.E.M. signed with another indie, I.R.S. Records, the following year.  That relationship lasted until 1988 when the band, fed up with the limitations of independent distribution channels, signed with Warner where they spent the rest of their recording career.  (I.R.S. went belly up in 1996.)

During their entire run they hit the Top 40 nine times but they also accumulated three times that amount of memorable songs on modern rock and classic rock stations.  After they left I.R.S., the label issued the first of several compilations (most of which, unfortunately, were released primarily in Europe).  Eponymous featured most of the singles issued during that period including a rare soundtrack contribution and a couple of alternate mixes.  (The double-disc version of And I Feel Fine…The Best Of The I.R.S. Years collects all the American singles (minus Wendell Gee from Fables Of The Reconstruction which wasn’t a commercial success, anyway) and adds album cuts, a few B-sides and rarities.)

As for the Warner era, there was In Time, a terrific hits collection that very clearly should’ve been a double-disc set in its own right (or a triple, if you count the limited edition B-sides and rarities version that I’m desperate to find).  Nonetheless, it was absurd that big hits like Bang And Blame, Shiny Happy People and Drive didn’t make the cut while flop singles like All The Way To Reno and At My Most Beautiful did.  (Don’t get me wrong.  I enjoy those songs but if you’re going to just offer a single-disc overview, stick with the hits.  All of them.)

Which brings me back to my original question.  Why are Warner and the band putting out another singles collection so quickly after the last one?  (In Time came out in 2003.)

R.E.M. hasn’t had a conventional Top 40 hit since 1994.  In the 8 years following In Time’s release, only Supernatural Superserious from Accelerate has gotten any traction on rock radio.  With the exception of about a dozen other songs, including the 4 I just mentioned, all their previous hits (and occasional flops) have already appeared on several previous compilations.

If Wikipedia is to be believed, the new collection is going to be called Part Lies, Part Heart, Part Truth, Part Garbage (not a bad title) and will cover not just the blockbuster Warner era but also the indie stuff, as well (after all, the subtitle is 1982-2011).  That’s never happened before.  Singles from the two periods have always been segregated on separate releases. 

While it’s more than likely the record will be entertaining, is it really necessary?  Unless it covers all the hits or all the singles regardless of chart status, what would be the point?  In Time and The IRS Years collections are still in print so it’s not as if most of the material expected to be included on the new CD are hard to find.

More details are forthcoming, according to R.E.M.’s official site.  But when the collection surfaces on November 15, will it really matter all that much?

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Friday, September 23, 2011
2:51 a.m.

UPDATE:  Rolling Stone reports that the collection will feature “a handful of tracks recorded this year after the completion of the band’s final album, Collapse Into Now.”.  So it’s the old buy-the-songs-you-already-own-in-order-to-get-a-few-new-exclusive-goodies routine.  Even though it remains to be seen whether this greatest hits release will be any better or different than the previous ones (the combination of both eras, notwithstanding) I’ll reserve judgment until I hear it.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Saturday, September 24, 2011
2:02 a.m.

The Creative Drought Returns And A Stats Update

Inspiration is a fickle bitch.  Some days, it flows freely and easily, allowing you to express yourself without too much effort.  The rest of the time it wants nothing to do with you.  It’s like having a water tap in your head that’s shut so tightly not even a drop of an idea plops out.  It can be so frustrating when you want to be a prolific writer.

Longtime followers of this site will find this sentiment awfully familiar.  At various points during the last several years, there have been numerous periods where nothing gets posted.  I’m talking several consecutive weeks of inactivity where nothing is even drafted, let alone publicly showcased.

It happens.  You go through a wonderful, productive phase that can last a few days or a few weeks and then the well runs completely dry.  Oh sure.  There are times where you have an actual idea to pursue, it’s just that you have no clear way of fully developing it into an entertaining entry and you simply give up trying.  Perfectionism is also a consistent pain in the ass.

Rather than continually moan about my lack of progress in the last little bit, let me instead reflect on how far this site has come since the switch from Windows Live Spaces to WordPress nearly a year ago.

In the last three months of 2010, page views were initially quite pitiful.  Just a little under 1100 hits altogether.  But as 2011 got under way, the site suddenly got more attention.  There were nearly 600 hits in January alone and 800 in both February and March.  Add it all up and The Writings Of Dennis Earl had already seen a significant increase in the new era.

By April, the site was averaging 1000 hits per month until the summer when my Gene Simmons Family Jewels pieces surprisingly broke through in a major way.  WordPress counted nearly 5000 hits in July and almost 2000 in August.  At the moment, September has received almost 850 and will likely finish with at least 1000.  Who knows what will happen in the last quarter of the year?  Chances are the return of Jewels next month will see a nice boost in traffic.  Regardless, it’ll be up to me to break out of this creative slump and continue to grow my following.  Despite these occasional setbacks based on silly doubts and unrealistic expectations, I’m determined to keep going.  Really, at this point, I have nothing to lose.

So far this year The Writings Of Dennis Earl has been accessed about 13000 times and if things continue on this path (regardless of the possible return of the Gene Bump), this will likely be the most successful year in this site’s short history.  I hope more good things are on the horizon.  I want to reach more readers and eventually, develop a permanently lucrative revenue stream for my writing.

In the meantime, new pieces are coming.  The tap can’t stay shut forever.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Thursday, September 22, 2011
3:00 a.m.

Sly Tribute

Took the time to properly scrutinize my stuff
Had the smarts to point out parts that weren’t good enough
Absolutely dedicated to doing a great job
Nice and lovely in person, far from a snob
Knowledgable about Canadian Press guidelines

You ultimately strengthened the way I write
Organizing my thoughts in the best possible light 
Unfortunately you’re leaving so this is a sad night

Losing your input is a terrible thing
Asking me questions improved everything
Remembering now how much your support meant to me
Impossible to thank you enough for helping me see
Sorry that you’re moving on after such a short time
Secretly nursing a crush since meeting you that one time
All the best to you, I know you will shine

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
10:05 p.m.

Corporate Stooge

A duplicitous Republican in Democratic clothing
His broken promises have inspired great loathing
A master in the art of calculated subterfuge
He’s become nothing more than a loyal corporate stooge
He’s not really afraid of being a shining liberal light
He just never planned to follow through on his campaign might
“Hope” and “change” tested well with the distraught
But permanent cynicism is all he has brought

Six wars, massive debt, the country’s in the shitter
There’s no evidence he will ever be a homerun hitter
For someone so eager to silence the outspoken
There’s far less courage in reforming the broken
He once convinced you he was worthy of your trust
And that believing in what he was saying was an absolute must
But here’s a statement that’s shockingly preverse
Compared to the last guy, he’s ten times worse

He’s against gay marriage and ending the drug war
He panders to the rich while ignoring the poor
He could give a flying fuck what liberals are demanding
He’d rather make an example out of Bradley Manning
Constantly laughing off the complaints of his friends
There’s no burning political desire for him to make amends
With an election coming near the end of next year
He’s far too busy planning a new campaign of fear

Friendly with dictators as long as they play ball
Once they become difficult, divided they fall
Carrying on the traditions of an imperial mob
As millions of the world’s civilians quietly sob
Indifferent to suffering and protecting the needy
His coffers are filled with donations by the greedy
So many extremists are running on the other side
If he scares us well enough, it’ll be another landslide

He backs off of pledges that would make voters proud
Because they don’t meet the approval of the corporate crowd
He alienates his supporters just because he can
The alternative is something none of them can stand
But something has to give as we head into next year
If life was fair he’d be looking for a new career
He’s not a man of peace like The Dalai Lama
As John Lennon would sing, “I don’t believe in Obama”

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Sunday, September 4, 2011
12:50 p.m.

Are Gene Simmons & Shannon Tweed Really Getting Married?

Late last night, just before signing off, I read a very interesting comment that was posted on this website.  (It’s the third one on No Confidence.)  Yesterday afternoon, as noted by frequent commenter Flo, TMZ reported that Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed, famously unmarried for almost 30 years, are actually getting hitched next month.

Many who have learned the news in the last little while are no doubt thinking, “Finally!”.  I’m not one of those people.  I’m more inclined to think, “Why?”.

When Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels began airing its sixth season just a few months ago, I wrote a piece entitled What’s Really Going On With Shannon Tweed and Gene Simmons?.  Taken aback by the events depicted in the season premiere, I speculated on why Shannon temporarily left her longtime boyfriend and father to her two grown kids.

I clearly hit on something because to date the posting has generated more than 4300 hits, easily making it the most accessed bit of writing I’ve ever done in the history of this site.  (Most of my pieces generate considerably less than that number.  Way less.)  Furthermore, it inspired several thoughtful comments from readers.

As the season neared its end, I wrote a follow-up called Gene Simmons & Shannon Tweed Need To Get Real With Their Audience.  It’s been accessed more than a thousand times and yes, it has also provoked a number of entertaining reader comments.  Finally, I wrote about the season finale which irritated me with its bogus cliffhanger ending.  (That one’s been checked out a little over a hundred times.)

As you may recall from that episode, fearing he was going to lose Shannon forever if he didn’t give her what she wanted, Gene proposed to his longtime love near the end of their vacation together.  But rather than show her response, we got the dreaded “To Be Continued…” graphic.  What a joke.

Shortly after its successful airing (about 3 million people watched the July episode), we learned that the show’s seventh season was scheduled to air in early September.  Thanks to an earlier comment from Flo (the first one on No Confidence), I’m now aware that A&E has bumped the show to October.

Now we all know why.  According to a wedding invitation obtained by TMZ, the ceremony is to take place at The Beverly Hills Hotel on Sunset Boulevard in the late afternoon on October 1st.  And yes, it will be taped for Family Jewels.  (The show now returns October 4th.)

Here’s an obvious question:  if the family was always planning on making this public announcement long before the new season starts airing, why all the suspense at the end of the last one?  (It rather defeats the purpose of a cliffhanger if you already know what happens next.)

Despite what some antsy bloggers and news sites reported back in the summer, there was no actual confirmation of an official engagement at that time.  Remember, we never heard Shannon’s answer.  And no one in the family told us what she said.

Here’s an even more obvious inquiry:  is this for real?  Are we to believe that after years of growing resentment (both private and public) that Shannon is now willing to forgive all of Gene’s allegedly long list of transgressions in order to plunge into something he’s long been dead set against?  Do stubborn people really change that quickly?  Can a two-days couples retreat (and an undetermined amount of recent therapy) achieve the desired result?

Let’s face facts here.  Gene’s a lifelong workaholic, endlessly driven to extend the legacy of Kiss ’til there’s no energy left in his overworked body.  Just check out some of his recent Tweets.  There’s a new album coming (and probably another full-scale tour to promote it), another possible TV project in the works, and Family Jewels has started filming the new season.  Despite being in his early 60s and annoying the hell out of Shannon for his long absences from home and family, he shows no signs of cutting down his work schedule.  So, why commit to a guy who’s not likely to ever change this self-destructive habit?

Then, there’s the issue of fidelity.  As noted in my first Family Jewels piece, the family steadfastly avoided talking about the release of a sex tape that features Gene getting it on with another woman three years ago, likely one of the key sources of the couple’s recent tension (along with Gene’s addiction to work).  That’s a pretty big elephant in the room to ignore and as I pointed out in my second piece, pretty insulting to the audience who, unless they seek out answers online, are probably still confused about what’s really going on.

Is Gene really only interested in Shannon and no one else?  Are the days of him racking up big conquest numbers (supposedly in the thousands) really over?  I’m just not convinced.

Don’t get me wrong.  I believe in evolution.  I believe that circumstances in one’s life can instigate some kind of positive change that can be more than fleeting or superficial but this is Gene Simmons we’re talking about.  He’s about as flexible as the Catholic Church.  As he foolishly Tweeted on August 16th, “I’ve never been wrong.”.

Like an addict at their lowest, change can only happen if you want it to happen, which is the only way you can begin the road to recovery and redemption.  But Gene’s attempts to win back Shannon last season were more desperate than anything else.  Realizing perhaps too late how lucky he’s had it, he had to compromise his own principles in order to get her back to the table.

And so far, it’s worked.  If this whole wedding business is legit, then all the pressure is on Gene to completely change his lifestyle in order for the marriage to last.  That means no other women to conquer and a greatly reduced workload.  I just don’t see it happening.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Friday, September 2, 2011
9:38 p.m.

CLARIFICATION & UPDATE:  A&E is releasing two new Family Jewels box sets in late Spring, according to TVshowsonDVD.com.  Look for Season Six Part One and Season Six Part Two on June 12.  So, just to make things clear, all the recent episodes that were aired in 2011 were part of one complete season, not two half-seasons.  The air dates for the real seventh season have yet to be released.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
4:56 p.m.