I’m Not Trying To Suck My Own Cock

(A heartfelt tribute to Anthony Scaramucci with sincere apologies to Harold Melvin and Simply Red.)

(To the tune of If You Don’t Know Me By Now)

I’m not trying to suck my own cock
Like Steve Bannon, Bannon, Bannon, Bannon (ooooo, oo oo oo oooooo)

I said some things
That were really crude
Never call a reporter
When you’re in a foul mood
I don’t know the difference
Between right and wrong
But I’m not Steve Bannon
Slurping my own schlong
Oh I got so excited
And I just lost my new job
Now that you left me all alone
I may have to suck my own knob

I’m not trying to suck my own cock (not trying to suck it)
Like Steve Bannon, Bannon, Bannon, Bannon (no I’m not)
I’m not trying to suck my own cock
Like Steve Bannon, Bannon, Bannon, Bannon (ooooo, oo oo oo oooooo)

Now I know you’re feeling
Quite perplexed
I celebrated our son’s arrival
With a simple text
The Mooch will always blame
Paranoid Reince Priebus
Unlike Steve Bannon
I won’t inhale my penis
Oh gotta get myself together
Since Harvard Law thinks I’m dead
At the rate things are going
I may have to give myself head, no!

I’m not trying to suck my own cock (not trying to suck it)
Like Steve Bannon, Bannon, Bannon, Bannon (no I won’t)
I’m not trying to suck my own cock (I will never never never suck it)
Like Steve Bannon, Bannon, Bannon, Bannon (ooooo)

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Monday, July 31, 2017
6:50 p.m.

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Published in: on July 31, 2017 at 6:50 pm  Leave a Comment  

Degrassi Junior High (Song Parody)

“Wake up in the morning
Feeling shy and lonely
Gee, I gotta go to school
I don’t think I can make it
Don’t think I can take it
I’m wondering what I’m gonna do
But when I look around and see
That someone is smiling right at me
Wait!
That someone’s talking to me
Hey!
I’ve got a new friend
Everybody can succeed
All you need is to believe
Be honest with yourself
Forget your fears and doubts
Come on, give us a try
At Degrassi Junior High”

Nostalgia can hit you with the force of a tornado when you least expect it.  Last week, for the first time in so many years, I started watching Degrassi Junior High again.  (MTV Canada airs it weekdays at 1:30 p.m.)  I accidentally caught the middle of an episode where the girls’ swim team challenge the boys’ soccer team to a swim-off.  (The girls win.)  Almost instantly, a torrent of teenage memories came flooding back into my brain.

While getting reacquainted with the likes of Lucy, Caitlyn, Joey, Snake, Wheels, Spike and Stephanie Kaye, after not thinking about them in decades, a very silly thought popped into my head:  what would it sound like if Axl Rose sang the Degrassi Junior High theme song?

Well, I would hope it would go a little something like this.  You’re welcome:

DEGRASSI JUNIOR HIGH
(To the tune of Live And Let Die)

When you wake up feeling shy & lonely, too
Do I have to go to school?
(You know you do, you know you do, you know you do)
I can’t make it, I can’t take it, what will I do?
Come on, give us a try
At Degrassi Junior High
Degrassi Junior High

All you need to succeed now
Is to believe in you
Forget your fears & doubts
Just be honest with your fuckin’ self!

Who’s that smiling right at me?
(It’s a new friend, it’s a new friend, it’s a new friend)
I look around, they’re talking to me, what will I do?
Come on, give us a try
At Degrassi Junior High
Degrassi Junior High

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Thursday, June 25, 2015
1:42 a.m.

Published in: on June 25, 2015 at 1:42 am  Comments (3)  

Rob Ford (Song Parody)

(Sung to the tune of Iggy Pop’s I’m Bored.)

Rob Ford
He’s offensive to the Lord
He says Council’s full of hogs
He thinks Asians work like dogs
Rob Ford

He warns your wife she might get raped
He never knows he’s being taped
Rob Ford
Don’t mind the vomit on the floor

Thugs and dealers are his bros
He can’t wait to put it up his nose
Rob Ford
Rob Ford
I think it’s time to pull the cord

He’s sick
He’s been acting like a dick
He’s always getting drunk
His mind is in a funk
Rob Ford

He’ll run you down when you’re in the way
He thinks Trudeau is really gay
Rob Ford
Oh Lord
Why’s this asshole so adored?

Hey dollface, he wants to eat your box!

He’s sick
He’s an irritating prick
He’s always on the go
He won’t give up the blow
He’s sick

He’s sick when he parties out at night
He’s still sick in the broad daylight
Rob Ford
Rob Ford
He’s Toronto Mayor Rob…
Ford

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
8:20 p.m.

Published in: on May 7, 2014 at 8:20 pm  Comments (1)  

That’s A Moron

(With all apologies to Harry Warren, Jack Brooks and Dean Martin, what follows is a heartfelt tribute to Rush Limbaugh.)

In old D.C., she testified
He was upset
For three straight days

When you call her a slut
And she’s anything but
That’s a moron
When the world seems to think
Your dumb thoughts they do stink
That’s a moron

Words do sting
Ding-a-ling-a-ling
Ding-a-ling-a-ling
And right now you’re failing
Fatal flaw
Blah blah blah blah blah
Blah blah blah blah blah
All your sponsors are bailing

When you act like a tool
And get taken to school
That’s a moron
And it wasn’t a fluke
You got called on your puke
You’re a dope

When you talk out your ass
But you know you’re outclassed and there’s no one
Who’ll defend you my friend
And you can’t comprehend, that’s a moron

When you can’t quite take back
Your relentless attack
That’s a moron (that’s a moron)

When you stubbornly stew
Like a fat tub of goo
That’s a moron (that’s a moron)

Kiss my ring
Ding-a-ling-a-ling
Ding-a-ling-a-ling
Right between my butt cheeks
(‘tween my butt, ‘tween my butt cheeks)
Please withdraw
La la la la la
La la la la la
Cuz you’re sailing up shit’s creek
Goddamn web geeks!

When she didn’t back down
And you looked like a clown
That’s a moron (that’s a moron)
When you don’t understand
That you’re not being banned
You’re a turd

When you lie out your ass
But you know you’re outclassed and there’s no one
Who’ll defend you my friend
And you can’t comprehend
That’s a moron

A moron, that’s a moron

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Saturday, April 14, 2012
9:07 p.m.

Published in: on April 14, 2012 at 9:07 pm  Comments (1)  

I Love Your Jugs The Way They Are

Here’s another song parody that was in consideration for that 2000 Howard Stern contest. 

Three lines popped into my head one day (“Don’t get implants/You don’t need them/I love your jugs the way they are”) and I wrote them down.  From there, I tried coming up with a complete lyric.  The original plan was to pay tribute to Lisa Nicole Carson, this incredibly busty actress who you might remember from the show Ally McBeal.  (She played Calista Flockhart’s sexy roommate.)

I imagined a scenario where she was insecure about her size and therefore contemplated having them enhanced surgically.  (I know it sounds ridiculous but stick with me here.)  The lyrics were a silly but heartfelt plea for her to not do this.

I wrote several verses but the parody remained unfinished.  When Ally McBeal signed off for good in 2002, Carson disappeared with it.  She hasn’t been seen on screen since.

Several years later, I dropped the one line that mentioned her name and attempted to make the lyric more general and less specific.  Despite completing a few verses and the middle eight section, it was only halfway done and once again abandoned.

After posting the Hey Bulldog parody recently, however, I came back to it again hoping to finally finish it off.  Eleven years after it began, I Love Your Jugs The Way They Are, a goof on Billy Joel’s Just The Way You Are (recently heard at a grocery store the other day), is now complete.  The original premise has been maintained and while a number of lines have survived the original draft, there have been extensive revisions and additions. 

In a time with so much sadness (war, disease, natural disasters, racial and sexual hatred), maybe what many of us need right now is a silly song parody about convincing insecure women to embrace and accept their jugs the way they are.

I LOVE YOUR JUGS THE WAY THEY ARE
(Parody of Just The Way You Are)
By Dennis Earl

Don’t go changing your lovely boobies
They’ve never let me down before
(mmm-hmm-mmm-hmm-mmmmm)
I love to squeeze them
And check for cancer
But you won’t show them anymore

You’re a woman with massive mountains
Even when I look from afar
(mmm-hmm-mmm-hmm-mmmmm)
I’ll take your B-cups
Don’t get G-cups
I love your jugs the way they are

Don’t go stuffing your sweater puppies
They’re barking loud enough right now
(mmm-hmm-mmm-hmm-mmmmm)
You always have my complete attention
I’m always thinking, “Oh, wow!”

I don’t want you to feel lacklustre
Your bouncy melons aren’t subpar
(mmm-hmm-mmm-hmm-mmmmm)
I just require a decent handful
I love your jugs the way they are

You need to know that I will always see
Someone better than all the rest
Oh, what will it take for you to let it be
And love your healthy, juicy chest?

I said I love you and your cannons
And this I promise from the heart
(mmm-hmm-mmm-hmm-mmmmm)
It doesn’t matter how big your rack is
I love your jugs the way they are 

Don’t go changing your enormous whoppers
They are beautiful as they are
(mmm-hmm-mmm-hmm-mmmmm)
Don’t get implants
You don’t need them
I love your jugs the way they are

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
4:31 p.m.

Published in: on March 23, 2011 at 4:31 pm  Comments (1)  

Howard Stern (Song Parody)

Here’s something that’s never been seen before.  Eleven years ago, when it was still on terrestrial radio, The Howard Stern Show announced a cool contest.  They were looking for song parodies from listeners.  One of the longtime staples of the show are these goofy versions of familiar songs that are played, depending on their quality, relentlessly during broadcasts.  The show was looking for new submissions and prepared to reward the top 3 entrants with, if I remember correctly, cash prizes.

Listening to this, I thought, “What the hell?  Let’s give it a go.”.  So, I attempted to put down on paper ridiculous lyrics to several classic rock songs.  Unfortunately at the time, nothing I worked on was ever completely ready to be exposed.  Plus, there was another problem.  I had no access to a recording studio nor proper equipment of my own to use.  Granted, the presentation didn’t need to be super professional but I didn’t know how to tape my vocal with new words over an existing song that already had someone singing on it.  So, ultimately I gave up on the contest.

But I didn’t give up on the parodies.  “Howard Stern” is my goof on The Beatles’ Hey Bulldog.  I tried to follow the Weird Al formula when I was working on the new lyrics which explains why some of the lines are directly taken from the original.  After not being completely satisfied with it in 2000, I revisited it in 2006 and finally finished it off.  The chorus is a little dated now (since Stern’s move to Sirius/XM five years ago, the FCC have not been a factor) but it captures the spirit of that period.  (Interestingly, that section was one of the ’06 revisions.)  Like Warlock In The Wind, I would love to see it recorded someday.

HOWARD STERN
(Parody of Hey Bulldog)
By Dennis Earl
 
Cool job
Talking on the air
Small knob
You know it isn’t fair

Some think that righteousness is measured out in fines
The morons of the FCC have lost their minds

Genius
No one understands
Penis
In your sweaty hands

Some think that jealousy is measured out in fears
The Christian Right have lots of earwax in their ears

Why can’t you be free?
Why can’t you be free?
Why can’t you be free?
Everybody should just let you be.

(Guitar Solo)

Boobies
You like ‘em big and small
Doody
Your favourite word of all

All kinds of naked chicks pass through your guarded doors
If I was in your shoes, I’d make them all my whores

Why can’t you be free?
Why can’t you be free?
Why can’t you be free?
Everybody should just let you be.

Howard Stern (Repeat to fade out)

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Saturday, March 19, 2011
8:21 p.m.

Published in: on March 19, 2011 at 8:21 pm  Leave a Comment  

Warlock In The Wind

(With deep, heartfelt apologies to Bernie Taupin and Elton John.)

Goodbye, Charlie Sheen
Though I never knew you at all
You had the balls to be yourself
And call out all the trolls
They claimed that you were cuckoo
And they fired you from your show
So you ranted everywhere
And snorted tons of blow

And it seems to me
You lived your life
Like a warlock in the wind
Always winning
Though belonging
In the loony bin
And I would have liked to know you
And everything you did
But you ran out of that tiger blood
And blamed it on the Yid

Goddesses were tough
Accusing you of being a dick
Shooting a gun and strangling
When that is just your schtick
Wigging out your country
And you Twittered for hours a day
Shooting out truth torpedos
Made from Adonis DNA

And it seems to me
You lived your life
Like a warlock in the wind
Always winning
Though belonging
In the loony bin
And I would have liked to know you
And everything you did
But you ran out of that tiger blood
And blamed it on the Yid

Goodbye, Martin’s son
May you ever live on in flicks
Pay no mind to haters
They’re just a bunch of jealous pricks
Keep on being radical
Forget about the success and fame
Live your life so violently
Being sober’s for the lame

And it seems to me
You lived your life
Like a warlock in the wind
Always winning
Though belonging
In the loony bin
And I would have liked to know you
And everything you did
But you ran out of that tiger blood
And blamed it on the Yid

And I would have liked to know you
And everything you did
But you ran out of that tiger blood
And blamed it on the Yid

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Monday, March 14, 2011
11:45 p.m.

Published in: on March 14, 2011 at 11:45 pm  Leave a Comment