I Love Your Jugs The Way They Are

Here’s another song parody that was in consideration for that 2000 Howard Stern contest. 

Three lines popped into my head one day (“Don’t get implants/You don’t need them/I love your jugs the way they are”) and I wrote them down.  From there, I tried coming up with a complete lyric.  The original plan was to pay tribute to Lisa Nicole Carson, this incredibly busty actress who you might remember from the show Ally McBeal.  (She played Calista Flockhart’s sexy roommate.)

I imagined a scenario where she was insecure about her size and therefore contemplated having them enhanced surgically.  (I know it sounds ridiculous but stick with me here.)  The lyrics were a silly but heartfelt plea for her to not do this.

I wrote several verses but the parody remained unfinished.  When Ally McBeal signed off for good in 2002, Carson disappeared with it.  She hasn’t been seen on screen since.

Several years later, I dropped the one line that mentioned her name and attempted to make the lyric more general and less specific.  Despite completing a few verses and the middle eight section, it was only halfway done and once again abandoned.

After posting the Hey Bulldog parody recently, however, I came back to it again hoping to finally finish it off.  Eleven years after it began, I Love Your Jugs The Way They Are, a goof on Billy Joel’s Just The Way You Are (recently heard at a grocery store the other day), is now complete.  The original premise has been maintained and while a number of lines have survived the original draft, there have been extensive revisions and additions. 

In a time with so much sadness (war, disease, natural disasters, racial and sexual hatred), maybe what many of us need right now is a silly song parody about convincing insecure women to embrace and accept their jugs the way they are.

I LOVE YOUR JUGS THE WAY THEY ARE
(Parody of Just The Way You Are)
By Dennis Earl

Don’t go changing your lovely boobies
They’ve never let me down before
(mmm-hmm-mmm-hmm-mmmmm)
I love to squeeze them
And check for cancer
But you won’t show them anymore

You’re a woman with massive mountains
Even when I look from afar
(mmm-hmm-mmm-hmm-mmmmm)
I’ll take your B-cups
Don’t get G-cups
I love your jugs the way they are

Don’t go stuffing your sweater puppies
They’re barking loud enough right now
(mmm-hmm-mmm-hmm-mmmmm)
You always have my complete attention
I’m always thinking, “Oh, wow!”

I don’t want you to feel lacklustre
Your bouncy melons aren’t subpar
(mmm-hmm-mmm-hmm-mmmmm)
I just require a decent handful
I love your jugs the way they are

You need to know that I will always see
Someone better than all the rest
Oh, what will it take for you to let it be
And love your healthy, juicy chest?

I said I love you and your cannons
And this I promise from the heart
(mmm-hmm-mmm-hmm-mmmmm)
It doesn’t matter how big your rack is
I love your jugs the way they are 

Don’t go changing your enormous whoppers
They are beautiful as they are
(mmm-hmm-mmm-hmm-mmmmm)
Don’t get implants
You don’t need them
I love your jugs the way they are

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
4:31 p.m.

Howard Stern (Song Parody)

Here’s something that’s never been seen before.  Eleven years ago, when it was still on terrestrial radio, The Howard Stern Show announced a cool contest.  They were looking for song parodies from listeners.  One of the longtime staples of the show are these goofy versions of familiar songs that are played, depending on their quality, relentlessly during broadcasts.  The show was looking for new submissions and prepared to reward the top 3 entrants with, if I remember correctly, cash prizes.

Listening to this, I thought, “What the hell?  Let’s give it a go.”.  So, I attempted to put down on paper ridiculous lyrics to several classic rock songs.  Unfortunately at the time, nothing I worked on was ever completely ready to be exposed.  Plus, there was another problem.  I had no access to a recording studio nor proper equipment of my own to use.  Granted, the presentation didn’t need to be super professional but I didn’t know how to tape my vocal with new words over an existing song that already had someone singing on it.  So, ultimately I gave up on the contest.

But I didn’t give up on the parodies.  “Howard Stern” is my goof on The Beatles’ Hey Bulldog.  I tried to follow the Weird Al formula when I was working on the new lyrics which explains why some of the lines are directly taken from the original.  After not being completely satisfied with it in 2000, I revisited it in 2006 and finally finished it off.  The chorus is a little dated now (since Stern’s move to Sirius/XM five years ago, the FCC have not been a factor) but it captures the spirit of that period.  (Interestingly, that section was one of the ’06 revisions.)  Like Warlock In The Wind, I would love to see it recorded someday.

HOWARD STERN
(Parody of Hey Bulldog)
By Dennis Earl

 

Cool job
Talking on the air
Small knob
You know it isn’t fair

Some think that righteousness is measured out in fines
The morons of the FCC have lost their minds

Genius
No one understands
Penis
In your sweaty hands

Some think that jealousy is measured out in fears
The Christian Right have lots of earwax in their ears

Why can’t you be free?
Why can’t you be free?
Why can’t you be free?
Everybody should just let you be.

(Guitar Solo)

Boobies
You like ‘em big and small
Doody
Your favourite word of all

All kinds of naked chicks pass through your guarded doors
If I was in your shoes, I’d make them all my whores

Why can’t you be free?
Why can’t you be free?
Why can’t you be free?
Everybody should just let you be.

Howard Stern (Repeat to fade out)

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Saturday, March 19, 2011
8:21 p.m.

A Tribute To The Departing Windows Live Spaces

Tomorrow, it’s all over.  What began in 2004 comes to a surprising end in 2011.

What am I talking about?  The end of Windows Live Spaces.

Late last September, Spaces users signed into their sites and found an interesting message.  Microsoft was planning to shut them all down.

That was the bad news.  As it turns out, there was good news, as well.  Spaces users had nearly six months to decide if they wanted to continue sharing cute pictures of their kitties and blog about their daily lives to the global village.  How was this possible?  By joining WordPress.

In early October, when I learned of Microsoft’s plan, I rejoiced.  I was coming out of a dismal period of inactivity and needed something, anything to reignite the spark I initially felt for blogging way back in 2006.  A move to a new location was all I needed to get back on track.

So, after announcing on Windows Live that The Writings Of Dennis Earl was leaving, I began the rather easy process of transferring four and a half years of content and feedback to the new place.  I’m very happy I did.  Despite experiencing some frustration during a period where I was cleaning up a good number of old pieces, it’s been smooth sailing.  Looking back, had I known about WordPress when I was investigating blogging services five years ago, I’d like to think this would’ve been my first choice.

Spacers had until the first week of 2011 to add new content to their existing sites.  After that, their sites would essentially be online museum exhibits, untouchable shrines that could never be updated. 

And now comes the final phase of Microsoft’s plan:  the shutdown.  Anybody who still has an area of their own on Windows Live has until tomorrow to make a decision.  Make the move to WordPress or kiss your website good-bye.

If you don’t want to continue blogging but don’t want to lose your stuff, do what I did.  Download your Windows Live Space.  Word of caution, however:  your lists, guestbook and photo albums aren’t part of the deal.  Just your blog entries and comments.  So if you want to keep that other stuff, cut and paste into a processor and save to disc before making a final decision on your site.

Even though I had occasional problems with Windows Live (the weird, thankfully brief incident where my content turned invisible, the period when my site was freezing, and the disappointment over revenue streams that didn’t produce a cent), I will be always be thankful for being on there as long as I was.  Whenever I addressed an issue directly to Microsoft, someone from their Support Team would always get back to me and with one exception, solved my dilemmas which was always appreciated. 

When I commemorated the third anniversary of The Writings Of Dennis Earl, I got a nice congratulatory comment from one of their staffers.  I was never asked to censor myself nor did I arouse any anger in the company when I was critical.  (I doubt I was even on their radar, come to think of it.)  Despite its flaws, Windows Live Spaces was a great place to express oneself through writing.  I enjoyed tremendous freedom (much like I do now on WordPress) and I never felt pressured to be something I’m not.

When the whole program began in December 2004, it was originally known as MSN Spaces and it replaced the standard Hotmail/MSN Messenger profile.  Almost two years later, it was renamed Windows Live Spaces as part of a rebranding campaign incorporating other similiarly named services.

And now, it’s on the verge of death.

On the eve of its demise, one can’t help but feel a bit nostalgic for the program.  So much good came from my four and a half years on Windows Live.  Old friendships renewed and new ones established through the discovery of the site, opportunities to write for other outlets, a surprising sense of importance upon learning that professional journalists were reading certain pieces and a regular outlet to voice anything I felt like sharing.

An ex-girlfriend played a major role in inspiring my decision to blog in the first place.  But it was my choice alone in selecting Windows Live Spaces as the intial home for The Writings Of Dennis Earl.  I have no regrets about that.

So, thank you, Microsoft, for creating this service in the first place.  My life would be so different today if it never existed.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
10:58 p.m.

Warlock In The Wind

(With deep, heartfelt apologies to Bernie Taupin and Elton John.)

Goodbye, Charlie Sheen
Though I never knew you at all
You had the balls to be yourself
And call out all the trolls
They claimed that you were cuckoo
And they fired you from your show
So you ranted everywhere
And snorted tons of blow

And it seems to me
You lived your life
Like a warlock in the wind
Always winning
Though belonging
In the loony bin
And I would have liked to know you
And everything you did
But you ran out of that tiger blood
And blamed it on the Yid

Goddesses were tough
Accusing you of being a dick
Shooting a gun and strangling
When that is just your schtick
Wigging out your country
And you Twittered for hours a day
Shooting out truth torpedos
Made from Adonis DNA

And it seems to me
You lived your life
Like a warlock in the wind
Always winning
Though belonging
In the loony bin
And I would have liked to know you
And everything you did
But you ran out of that tiger blood
And blamed it on the Yid

Goodbye, Martin’s son
May you ever live on in flicks
Pay no mind to haters
They’re just a bunch of jealous pricks
Keep on being radical
Forget about the success and fame
Live your life so violently
Being sober’s for the lame

And it seems to me
You lived your life
Like a warlock in the wind
Always winning
Though belonging
In the loony bin
And I would have liked to know you
And everything you did
But you ran out of that tiger blood
And blamed it on the Yid

And I would have liked to know you
And everything you did
But you ran out of that tiger blood
And blamed it on the Yid

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Monday, March 14, 2011
11:45 p.m.

Emotional Wasteland

Looking for inspiration in the deserts of my mind
Going through the motions in a state of decline
Sifting through the wreckage of a life gone wrong
Seeking a half-hearted return to the days when I was strong

Endlessly searching for a new path to peace
But these lingering memories of pain prevent my release
No matter where I look, regret at every turn
Mistakes are plentiful, closure hard to discern

The future’s on hold because the past’s still present
Facing these old transgressions leaves my days so unpleasant
A fresh new idea would lift me right out of the dark
And finally allow me to leave my mark

But imperfection rips away this false facade of cool
This stoic presence masks a deeply frightened fool
If only a sense of optimism was readily at hand
For now I remain paralyzed in this emotional wasteland

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Friday, March 11, 2011
11:07 p.m.

I Want To Matter

I want to be happy
I want to matter
Tired of feeling crappy
I don’t want to shatter

I want to be happy
I want to matter
I miss being sappy
I should be fatter

I want to be happy
I want to matter
Need to make it snappy
Want to climb the ladder

I want to be happy
I want to matter
Stuck being unhappy
And distracted by clatter

I want to be happy
I want to matter
Far too yappy
And afraid to scatter

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Friday, March 11, 2011
3:12 p.m.

Mr. Thin Skin

He lashes out
When you point out his errors
He loves to shout
When you trigger his terrors
He has no doubt
He doesn’t want to be fairer
He has no clout
You can’t remove him from his lair

He’ll always be employed
He’ll never be fired
He can’t be destroyed
Trying leaves you tired
He’s easily annoyed
That’s how he’s hardwired
His destruction you can’t avoid
He’ll never be retired

He’s a cancerous boil
On the body politic
Ready to broil
Like an unrepentant lunatic
Obsessed with oil
Disagree and become a heretic
Refuse to be his foil
He’s a useless prick

So how do you deal
With such an impossible fellow?
Do you have reason to feel
He’ll ever be mellow?
Of course not, he’s not real
He’s as authentic as jell-o
He can’t help but reveal
That he’s thoroughly yellow

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Friday, March 11, 2011
3:08 p.m.

From The Published Archives: Zerbisias Won’t Be Replaced At The Star

Let’s go back to the spring of 2007.  I was two months into my new gig as a contributor to Fading To Black, a blog devoted to covering the decline of the news media, particularly old-school daily newspapers.  Up to that point, there weren’t many opportunities to break news, to offer items that no one else knew about or was reporting themselves.  The vast majority of pieces we did simply highlighted and credited relevant paragraphs of other people’s original work. 

Then I got an email from FTB.  I was asked a number of questions about what was going on with Antonia Zerbisias, a longtime columnist with The Toronto Star.  For years, she reviewed TV shows for the broadsheet but at some point made the switch to media criticism.  A link was included in the message.  It pointed to a short item posted at David Akin’s blog.  Apparently, Antonia had quit her job but not the paper.  FTB wanted to know more about all of that.

So I emailed her.  And she responded.  Feeling I had enough information for an FTB piece, I went to work.  Zerbisias Won’t Be Replaced At The Star was posted on June 12, 2007.  The Toronto Sun Family Blog mentioned it nine days later at the end of an unrelated story about a bidding war between Quebecor, The Sun’s parent company, and TorStar, over Osprey Media.  That felt good.  So did the complimentary email FTB sent me shortly after the article was published.

In time, I would also grow tired of the media beat and would quit writing for Fading To Black seven months after this piece surfaced.  Having closely followed Sun Media’s troubles (which included the failed attempt to unionize Sun TV workers) for a couple of years, that whole situation became too depressing to cover as well.  (The Toronto Sun Family Blog does a much better job of that, anyway, even though it’s foolishly shutting down later this year.)

At the time, Antonia was pretty vague about what her new job at The Star specifically entailed.  “I will be writing about social issues/cultural trends” was all she would say.  It didn’t take long to learn what her actual plan was.  Forgoing the often tedious and thankless process of scrutinizing the media business (even though we need more and more honest coverage of it), her focus mainly turned to women, feminism and mysogyny, all worthy topics. 

Unfortunately, I found her tone really hard to take at times and when she unfairly criticized Howard Stern for having a guest on his show who was auctioning off her virginity on a website, the respect I had for her as a media critic pretty much dissipated.  She totally blew it and lacked the decency to admit she was off-base.

These days, Antonia remains an active Star columnist and Twitterer although postings on her Broadsides blog (which replaced her media-centric Azerbic one) have been infrequent since last October.  Nearly four years after this FTB report was first posted, there is still no media critic at The Toronto Star.

Zerbisias won’t be replaced at The Star

Antonia Zerbisias announced on her Facebook profile recently that she will no longer be The Toronto Star’s Media Critic. In the message, which was also posted on David Akin’s blog, she was vague on details. She would only offer that she is finally getting to do the job she has “repeatedly lobbied for since 2003 – and, thanks to [The Star’s] recent redesign and related factors, I finally got it!”.

But when asked via email what that job actually is, she responded, “I will be writing about social issues/cultural trends.” She also revealed that The Star won’t be hiring someone to replace her. There will no longer be a media critic at the daily broadsheet. She added, “You would have to be crazy to do that job.”

Zerbisias’ last media column appeared in the June 9th edition of The Star. You can read her previous pieces here. This website wishes her well with the new job.

UPDATE: You can now read her in the Living section. Her debut column can be read here. Also, special thanks to The Toronto Sun Family Blog for mentioning the original story here.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
9:50 p.m.