Shannon Tweed has lost her mind. In the seventh season premiere of Gene Simmons Family Jewels, the 55-year-old Canadian just can’t enjoy being a newlywed. In her mind, there’s something missing.
Oh, there’s something missing alright. Despite finally convincing longtime boyfriend Gene Simmons to marry her last year, an impossible feat almost no one expected to actually happen, she wants to be a mom again. Call me crazy but shouldn’t she have fully articulated this desire before the wedding?
Yes, it’s true. This isn’t the first time in the show’s history that Tweed has brought up this touchy subject. (This originally happened in episode four of the first season.) But to revert back to it when the couple has still not fully resolved all of their outstanding problems is foolhardy to the extreme. What the hell is she thinking?
Because Tweed can no longer conceive naturally, she wants to adopt. (Gene foolishly planted this dumb idea in her head way back in the third episode of season two after the negative result of her pregnancy test was revealed.) Early on during a lunch conversation, she asks her girlfriend point blank if she should do this. Too bad she couldn’t hear me screaming, “No!”.
To say Tweed needs a hobby or a straight-to-video acting gig instead of another run at motherhood is beside the point. Her boredom when Simmons and their kids are out of the house is well-documented throughout this series. No, the real problem is her selfishness. Tweed can go on and on about all the neglected children in the world who don’t have parents, how a lot of them are needlessly abused and discarded to the fringes of society until I’m blue in the face. This is all about her and no one else. Her motives are not at all altruistic. You get the sinking feeling she’s going to go ahead with this nonsense whether her family supports her wishes or not. (She tells the kids all about it in an episode scheduled to air next week.)
Meanwhile, Simmons’ slutty past refuses to go quietly in the night. When Tweed absurdly finds a mysterious key under a box (that’s your hiding place, Gene?) while rooting around for old baby items, she correctly assumes the worst. Simmons has her sit down in his office before lowering the boom.
We learn that the key is to a safety deposit box in a local bank that stores no less than four “portfolios” of nudie pics, three rows of four on every page, of numerous past groupie conquests. It’ll take you all of two seconds to guess what Tweed wants her husband to do with them all. If you said that they get burnt to a crisp in the final scene of this episode, you deserve a cookie.
In the past, despite its sometimes less-than-authentic sitcom premises, Gene Simmons Family Jewels was a surprisingly engaging quipfest that fully embraced its mostly likeable and not-really-that-unconventional subjects. You didn’t always believe the “reality” that was presented, but you laughed often and cared about the family. Mom and Dad didn’t need to be married to be happy and their well-adjusted kids seemed ok with that.
Since the crisis-ridden episodes of season six, however, the fun stuff has been gradually phased out in favour of the increasingly glum relationship dramas. Simmons looks like a beaten dog much of the time, especially when his wife eagerly springs her annoying adoption desire on him with little warning. Rather than firmly tell Shannon she’s a complete nut for wanting to be a single parent again, he lives in cerebral meanderland, a wonderful place where you don’t quite commit to something horrible nor do you specifically turn it down while secretly hoping the uncomfortable subject is eventually dropped just as quickly as it was brought up.
An overview of the entire forthcoming season reveals that Shannon and Shannon alone is the only member of the family completely onboard with this stupidity. (Barely seen Nick correctly calls it “an awful idea” in one of next week’s shows.) After everything that happened last season – the endless counselling sessions with Dr. Wexler (which continue this year), the long separation, and the eventual reconciliation and new start – why would Tweed push her already overly extended luck with this bullshit?
If she doesn’t let go of this annoying desire of hers very soon, how long before an overly tolerant Gene realizes he has to get out of this nightmare and go back to banging less needy groupies? Then again, even if she doesn’t adopt, based on what’s been seen and heard in the last year or so, this rickety marriage is already doomed.
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Monday, May 28, 2012
UPDATE: More than a month later, Shannon has finally given up her silly desire. In a recent hour-long episode of Family Jewels, she informs Nick, Sophie and Gene that keeping her family together is far more important than raising a foster child. After watching her equally delusional younger sister Tracy needlessly struggle through a pointless albeit mercifully brief flirtation with in-vitro fertilization (she has one last frozen embryo that’s almost a decade old that she’s desperate to have implanted in her uncooperative uterus), the stubborn Shannon has returned to the land of the sane. She’s thankfully backed off from wanting another kid to raise. Kudos to Sophie and Nick for vigourously and persuasively opposing this nonsense. If only their father had their courage.
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Tuesday, July 3, 2012