Katie Holmes, I’m Here For You

People Magazine just broke the story yesterday.  You’ve dumped your husband after only six years of marriage.  It was your first go-around with legal matrimony, his third.  According to TMZ, you’re very concerned about your adorable young daughter’s possible indoctrination into Scientology, your husband’s “religion”, hence your decision to file for sole custody of 6-year-old Suri.  Considering all the horror stories in the media about L. Ron Hubbard’s phony philosophy, I don’t blame you at all.  In fact, I’m wondering why you didn’t come to this conclusion sooner.

You’re doing the right thing getting as far away from that maniacal couch-jumper as humanly possible.  He’s out of his mind.  (Have you heard him laugh?  Even the Joker thinks he’s nuts.)  Honestly, you can do so much better than Mr. Mapother IV.

Katie Holmes, I’m here for you.  Sure, I’m built like a rake and dance like a spaz, but I’m also an atheist who could care less about religions both nutty and mainstream.  (I prefer thinking for myself.)  Besides, considering how contentious your divorce proceedings are likely to be, maybe a fun fling with a silly Canadian is exactly what you need right now.

We’d certainly have lots to talk about.  First off, I’d love to know about all your film experiences.  I was particularly impressed with your small role in Wonder Boys, one of the best films of the last decade.  You played a college student named Hannah who’s got it bad for her deeply troubled professor Michael Douglas.  He’s having an affair with the married Frances McDormand, he accidentally killed her dog, he’s trying to nurture the writing talent of the offbeat Tobey Maguire and he’s struggling with the manuscript for his second novel (it’s well over 2000 pages long and late for delivery to the publisher).

In a key scene late in the picture, after begging Douglas over and over again to allow you the chance to read his work in progress, you offer him a memorable line of criticism that completely changes his life:  “You didn’t make any choices.”.  It’s so perfectly simple and correct that only a completely stressed and distracted middle-aged professional deeply afraid of all his own personal turmoil would not think of it himself.

I also enjoyed your supporting performance in Batman Begins, one of the best comic book movies I’ve ever seen.  I never understood the criticism you received for playing Rachel Dawes, Bruce Wayne’s love interest in the film.  You held your own with the always intense Christian Bale.  Why didn’t you return for The Dark Knight?

I’ve also admired your appearances in The Ice Storm (the entertaining Ang Lee drama that marked your film debut), the gripping Phone Booth, and even that fun cameo with your Dawson’s Creek co-star and ex-boyfriend, Joshua Jackson, in the otherwise uneven Muppets From Space.  It’s cool that you have a good sense of humour.

What did you think of Abandon?  I felt the ending completely undermined the entire film.  It turned a so-so thriller into a ridiculous one.  Sadly, it’s your worst feature but I blame Oscar winner Stephen Gaghan’s preposterous script more than anything else.  It marked a steep decline from the writing he did for Traffic, a much stronger project.

I love the story of how you got the part of Joey on Dawson’s Creek, the TV show that made you a star 15 years ago.  Because you were previously committed to performing in your high school production of Damn Yankees (you played Lola) and didn’t want to let anyone down by dropping out, you had to decline an invitation to audition for creator Kevin Williamson in person.  So, they allowed you the chance to submit a video audition instead.  Was it all done in one take?

Speaking of TV, what did the Kennedy family think of your portrayal of Jackie O in The Kennedys miniseries?  What preparation did you undertake to play a Slutty Pumpkin on How I Met Your Mother?  And what were you going to do for three episodes of Friends?

You’ve mentioned that you’re a painter.  How often do you get the chance to do that?  What do you like to paint and how would you describe your approach?  Any other non-acting creative ventures you like to pursue?

I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you in your marriage and hope that your divorce will be swift and amicable.  Whatever you decide to do with your love life and career, I wish you well.  And with that, I offer you this:

When you’re looking for shelter from the public zoo
Katie Holmes, I’m here for you.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Saturday, June 30, 2012
4:29 p.m.

Sophia Bush, I’m Here For You

Gene Siskel had a famous test for actors he observed in movies.  If they looked good in close-up, they were stars.  George C. Scott had his own set of criteria, three simple questions he asked himself every time he watched someone perform.  1. Is the actor well cast in the role they’re playing?  2. Do they make good emotional choices?  And 3. Are they actually enjoying themselves?

Having seen you in Stay Alive and John Tucker Must Die, you easily pass Siskel’s test.  And on the basis of watching you portray Brooke Davis on One Tree Hill and Ridley Lange on Nip/Tuck, you more than meet Scott’s criteria.  The answer to all three of his questions is the same:  an unreserved yes.

Unfortunately, despite thriving professionally, things are not so good for you personally.  US Weekly broke the news this week that you’ve just split with Austin Nichols, a fellow actor few knew you were dating off-and-on until E! Online reported it two years ago.  In fact, he took the job as Julian, the aspiring filmmaker who becomes romantically involved with Brooke on One Tree Hill, just to be closer to you.

Sophia Bush, I’m here for you.  Forget about finding “the one”.  That’s a bunch of old-fashioned bullshit that’s gotten you into trouble before.  Forget about dating guys you work with.  You know firsthand how awkward it can be to work with an ex.  And forget about getting involved with guys in the business.  They’re nothing but a waste of time.

What you need is someone who is your intellectual equal, not some empty-headed pretty boy who can’t keep up.  You need someone you can spar with about politics and entertainment, not someone who doesn’t share your interests.  And you need someone naturally monogamous, not a ho-bag.

Why not give this wire-thin Canadian mama’s boy a shot?  What exactly have you got to lose?  We’re close in age, we both love music and neither of us smoke or have siblings.  True, I’m terrified of your pitbulls (I’ve never really been comfortable around dogs) and I’m no fashionista (one look through my dresser drawers and my closet would leave you deeply appalled) but I would be good company for you.

God knows we’d have plenty to talk about.  I’d love to learn about your parents who I understand are both photographers.  (By the way, which one is from Canada?)  How long did it take them to fully accept that you were going to be an actor rather than a heart surgeon or a journalist?  (You’ve said they were initially disappointed with your change of heart.)  When you got the gig on OTH ten years ago, you were attending the University Of South Carolina and had to drop out.  How many credits do you need to graduate and will you go back to finish them?  (There’s no guarantee you’ll be a successful actor forever.)

What it was like attending Westridge School in Pasadena, a girls-only private educational institution?  (Did you know that Julia Child studied there?)  Why aren’t dudes allowed to go?  Are we too distracting?  Any regrets about not attending public school? How did you become the Rose Queen for the Tournament Of Roses parade in 2000?  What was that experience like for you?

With regards to politics I have to warn you that we have very serious disagreements about President Obama.  (I’ll never understand why you publicly supported the illegal assassination of Osama Bin Laden.)  Although we both supported him in 2008 (you went so far as to become a volunteer helping him secure votes by touring college campuses on his behalf), I’m appalled by his piss-poor record on civil liberties, his paranoid bullying of conscientious whistleblowers (including the still wrongly incarcerated Bradley Manning), his inconsistency on gay issues, his lack of respect for the Muslim world, his disturbing support for Endless War and the Surveillance State, and his disappointing allegiance with the 1%.  Last month, you mentioned in an interview how you’ve been disappointed, too, but you really let him off the hook.  Based on what I’ve seen and read, Obama was never serious about being a liberal game changer.  I could argue with you about this all day long.

I’d love to know more about all your humanitarian pursuits, particularly the environmental causes you’ve been championing in recent years.  I don’t know how you find the time to do it considering your work schedule but I greatly admire your passion to accomplish actual positive change rather than just repeat catchy, empty slogans like a certain President I could mention who lacks your commitment and convictions.

As much as I’ve enjoyed your work on OTH and the first season of Nip/Tuck, you need to pick better movies.  I mentioned Stay Alive and John Tucker Must Die earlier.  The former was terribly unscary and the latter was terribly unfunny.  You’ve proven on Television that you can be humourous, sexy, snotty, vulnerable, heroic and lovable in the same role.  I’m concerned you’ll never find another part as compelling and challenging as Brooke Davis.  I’m hoping you prove me wrong.  (Maybe I’ll find a hidden gem in your filmography.  I haven’t seen everything.)  I hate to see someone as talented as you flounder in films that are beneath you.  You deserve better.

On the plus side, I’m glad you got cast in Partners, a new comedy pilot created by the people that brought us Will & Grace.  I hope it’s funny enough to get picked up as a series.  Best of luck to you.  As you know full well, simultaneous artistic and commercial successes are often elusive in this business.  Maybe lightning will strike twice for you on TV.

Whatever you decide to do about your career and love life, I wish you well.  And with that, I offer you this:

I’m a sucker for a pinkish hue
Sophia Bush, I’m here for you

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Saturday, February 18, 2012
1:41 a.m.

Mena Suvari, I’m Here For You

You made two trips to the matrimonial plate and struck out both times.  First, there was the much older cinematographer, Robert Brinkmann.  You ended that five-year marriage in the spring of 2005.  Then, you got hitched to Simone Sestito, a concert promoter you met at The Toronto International Film Festival.  Despite a reportedly lavish 2010 ceremony in Vatican City of all places, you recently decided this arrangement wasn’t working for you, either.

Mena Suvari, I’m here for you.  Why keep all that heartbreak to yourself when you can confide in a gentle Canadian who’ll hang on your every word?  Why wallow in sadness when we could share many laughs together?  Why be alone when you can ride the bony express?

If your self-esteem has taken a hit, let me build it back up for you.  I was mesmerized by your very sexy performance in American Beauty, the Academy Award-winning blockbuster from 1999.  You played Thora Birch’s seemingly free-spirited girlfriend who becomes a symbol of lost happiness for her troubled dad, Kevin Spacey.  When your secret is revealed very late in the picture, I was genuinely surprised.  You talked a good game as Angela.

I also enjoyed your work in the first two American Pies, two of the funnier movies I’ve seen in the last couple of decades.  Your portrayal of Heather, the glee club cutie who falls for sensitive jock Chris Klein, is sweet and charming, a complete 180 from American Beauty’s Angela.

Even though it was an inconsistent mess, the romance you inevitably have with Pie co-star Jason Biggs in Loser was the best thing about it (not to forget David Spade’s hilariously unbilled cameo as a video clerk).  It’s too bad your character wastes so much time with sleazy (and married) professor Greg Kinnear and there aren’t as many laughs as there should be.  Whenever you share screen time with that piefucker, you can feel the chemistry.

Speaking of that, good luck with the fourth Pie feature, American Reunion, which is scheduled for release this coming April.  Even though you’re not in American Wedding, I’ll need to see that one before moving on in the franchise.  I’ve had a copy for years and still have not screened it.  (I know.  I’m terrible.)

I’d love to hear you tell old war stories about your modelling days and early acting gigs like the Rice-A-Roni commercial you did as a teen, and the TV work you’ve done on shows like Six Feet Under, Chicago Hope, ER, Boy Meets World, Psych and the recently acclaimed American Horror Story.  I’m also interested in your charity work.  Why are Africa and feminism your primary causes?

Did you really think about becoming an archeologist when you were a kid?  Surely, Indiana Jones played a major role in that.  And how long have you been playing poker?  Texas Hold ‘Em’s my game, as well.  I’ll take you on any time, anywhere, young lady.  Playing heads-up against you would be a real treat.  Since I don’t have any money, we’ll play for clothing.

No matter what, I hope you’ll feel better soon.  Even though this is a difficult time for you personally, I’m sure you’ll pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back to business.

And with that, I leave you with this:

Looking for the cure for your emotional flu?
Mena Suvari, I’m here for you.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Sunday, January 15, 2012
3:57 p.m.

Demi Moore, I’m Here For You

It didn’t work out with Emilio Estevez.  (Your engagement to him was called off.)  Your first marriage to singer Freddy Moore only lasted 5 years.  (Curious how you kept his last name, though.)  After more than a decade together, you had a much better run with Bruce Willis.  (That union produced three daughters.)  Now marriage number three is kaput.

Forget about that bearded loser who can’t make a good movie to save his life.  Forget about that immature assclown who can’t stay faithful to you.  Forget about his stupid TV shows.  Demi Moore, I’m here for you.  I don’t play elaborate pranks, I don’t cheat and I never liked Two And A Half Men.

Have you ever gone target shooting?  We could blow up big pictures of your soon-to-be ex and blast away for hours.  It would be a great way for you to blow off steam over his remarkable stupidity and I’d finally get my revenge for suffering through Just Married and My Boss’ Daughter.

I’m a big Red Hot Chili Peppers fan and I’d love to know if you knew Anthony Kiedis and Flea particularly well when you all attended Fairfax High School together in Hollywood.  I understand Timothy Hutton and Bryon Allen were also schoolmates.  What were they like back then?  Is it true that Nastassja Kinski convinced you to leave well before graduation at age 16?  Any regrets about that?

Despite the difficult time you’ve been going through lately, it’s nice to see you’re back acting full-time again.  That’ll give you plenty of time to focus on something that gives you more pleasure.  As a teen, I really enjoyed seeing you on the big screen during your most successful period.  You did a nice job in A Few Good Men playing a character that was originally male.  I really liked Mortal Thoughts, an underrated who-dun-it? thriller told in flashbacks about the murder of nasty, goateed Bruce Willis.  (Glenne Headley and Harvey Keitel gave you good support in that one).

I also enjoyed The Hunchback Of Notre Dame cartoon Walt Disney Pictures released as a musical in 1996.  Despite seeing it twice at a downtown multiplex, the third screening on VHS four years later is the one that solidified my view of the film as daring, funny and quite moving.  I liked your voice characterization of Esmeralda.  Even though the ending was changed from Victor Hugo’s famed novel, I still cried.  I was less fond of Beavis & Butthead Do America (the TV show is better) where you had an unbilled cameo.  I’d love to know how that experience turned out for you, though.

What was it like being on a soap opera like General Hospital before you broke through in the movies?  My perception is that it’s one of the hardest gigs in show business.  Not much time to learn a ton of material and because it’s a daily serial, you’re working a lot of hours.  Your one-year stint on that show must’ve been excellent training for your film career.

It’s admirable that you’re trying to address the persistent scourge of illegal sex trafficking with the foundation that you co-founded with that dillhole from That 70s Show.  How did that come about in the first place?  What’s the ultimate goal of the foundation?  Now that you’re ending your marriage, will you continue to work on this important issue?

If talking about your career isn’t your cup of tea, we could talk about soccer and watch games together.  How long have you been rooting for Arsenal?  Why not Manchester United?  Or we could discuss your brief stint as a songwriter.  What songs did you write and were any of them hits?  Speaking of that, why did Blink 182 thank you in the liner notes of their Enema Of The State CD?

Or if you don’t want to talk, we could always have hot, sweaty sex.  Either way.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well with your acting and modelling careers as well as your charitable endeavours.  And with that, I leave you with this:

It’s time you had some fun, you’re long past due
Demi Moore, I’m here for you

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Friday, November 18, 2011
12:58 a.m.

Jennifer Lopez, I’m Here For You

I just heard the terrible news.  After seven years of legal matrimony, your latest marriage has fizzled.  How awful for you.  You must be completely heartbroken. 

Jennifer Lopez, I’m here for you.  Sure, I don’t possess any Latino heat, especially when I take my shirt off, nor can I salsa like nobody’s business.  But because of my severe wiggleitis, you won’t know the difference.

We could dance the night away in your time of need.  You could wear something sparkly.  I’ll slide into my thong.  With a big assist from the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack all the pain you’re currently feeling will easily slip away.  You can even feel me up while we boogie.

If your self-esteem has been shattered, let me put it back together with endless compliments.  You were warm and sympathetic in The Cell, sexy and smart in Out Of Sight, and sweetly beguiling in Jack.  I also enjoyed My Family, the best movie you’ve appeared in to date.  (I’m a bit behind with your oeuvre.)

You look at least ten years younger than your age, your smile lights up every room you walk into and your sculpted legs could split a midget’s body in half.  No one dresses sexier than you, young lady.  You’re the best cure for erectile dysfunction. 

How am I doing?  Too much?  Let’s move on.

You must have lots of great anecdotes about working with Jack Nicholson, Robin Williams, Robert Redford, Jane Fonda, Jon Voight, Richard Gere, Ralph Fiennes, George Clooney and Sean Penn.  I could listen to you talk about your moviemaking experiences for hours.  Then again, I could also massage your spectacular ass for hours but I digress.

We could bond over our abandoned dance careers.  Long before you broke through as an actor and singer, you strutted your stuff in rap videos.  Long before I started this blog, I was the master of the flap ball change. 

Long before you became famous playing the slain Tejano singer, Selena, you were a back-up dancer for New Kids On The Block.  Long before I started The Writings Of Dennis Earl on Windows Live Spaces, I was a tap dancing Berenstein Bear. 

And long before you released your first album (which has sold more than six million copies), you were a Fly Girl.  Long before I became a blogger, I was a Boogie Woogie Bakery Boy.  Good times.

I’d love to know what really happened to you and Diddy that night of the infamous nightclub shooting, why your TLC reality series never happened and whether your experience as an American Idol judge has been a positive one.  (I wouldn’t mind hearing some dirt on Steven Tyler, come to think of it.  What’s his deal?)  I’m also curious about your Cuban restaurant Madre’s.  Anything on the menu I would enjoy?  And how come your childhood nickname was The Supernova?

Like a lot of celebrities, you make room for philanthropy in your busy schedule.  Why do you support Children’s Hospital Los Angeles?  Why is that a cause that’s dear to your heart?  Speaking of that, is there any chance you can take a meeting with that dope Jenny McCarthy and explain to her why vaccinations are so important and not easily dismissable?  The entire world thanks you in advance.

Whatever you decide to do, Jennifer, I hope you and your twins will be ok during this difficult time.  You’ve been here before and you’ll make it through.

And with that, I leave you with this:

If you’re in need of solace or a warm body to screw
Jennifer Lopez, I’m here for you.

P.S.  I haven’t seen Gigli.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Friday, July 15, 2011
11:18 p.m.

Ginnifer Goodwin, I’m Here For You

People Magazine has reported the sad news.  Your engagement is off.  According to an anonymous inside source, it happened less than a month ago.  I’m sure you’re greatly disappointed.

Ginnifer Goodwin, I’m here for you.  Why go through this difficult time alone when there’s a smitten Canadian just waiting to cheer you up?  Sure, I’m a neurotic Gentile who leads a double life as a totem pole but you’d be in good hands.  Comfortable and less unhappy.

It’s clear, judging by what I’ve read about you, that in the long run, we don’t want the same things.  (You’re more than eager to get married and procreate.  I’d rather just have a girlfriend.)  So, why don’t we put those pesky differences aside and just have fun together?  I could be your rebound, eh?

I’m sure you have tons of inside stories about your thriving acting career.  (Congratulations on that, by the way.)  I’d love to know about your experience on Big Love, a show we could watch together since I’ve never seen a single episode.  (What’s your view on polygamy?  I’m against it.) 

You were hilarious and sexy in the otherwise uneven Win A Date With Tad Hamilton!, the first time I’ve ever took notice of your abilities.  If I were in your ex Topher Grace’s shoes, as lovely and sweet as Kate Bosworth is in that movie, I would’ve chosen you instead.  Your character seemed a lot more fun and confident.  Similiar to the real you, I wonder?

What characters did you voice on Robot Chicken?  (What’s your relationship like with your sister, Melissa, who is an animator on that show?)  Any aspirations to do feature-length animated movies?  It might be a lucrative way to branch out beyond romantic comedies.

Speaking of that, I’m curious about what you thought of He’s Just Not That Into You, a film I disliked intensely.  Last year, I wrote a review of it in this space and wondered why you got saddled with such an unappealing character to play.  Even your natural charm couldn’t compensate for such a poorly written role.  You and everybody else in that disaster deserved better.  The only positive thing about it was that it made money and gave you a higher profile.  Without it, you’d probably wouldn’t be where you are today, right?

If talking about the biz and your career in particular aren’t your bag (understandable since you probably talk about it every day), why don’t we bond over our health issues?  I didn’t know you struggled with obesity in your youth.  (How did Weight Watchers help you with balance and limits?)  I have had the opposite problem.  I’m too thin.  Blame my numerous food intolerances.  How come the vegetarian thing didn’t work out?  I’ve always wondered whether I could do that.  I’m guessing, like you, I wouldn’t be able to stick it out as you admitted to Jimmy Kimmel.

Speaking of all of that, what was your experience like being the spokeswoman for Adopt-A-Turkey, a program put together by the 25-year-old animal rights organization, Farm Sanctuary?  How many turkeys did you actually adopt and do you still have them?  Bet you have entertaining stories about all of that.

Regardless of what you decide, young lady, I hope you will be okay despite not going through with your original plans.  You’re a total shiksa, a talented actor, and I wish you nothing but success in your future endeavours.  (I hope you have a happy birthday tomorrow, too.)

And with that, I offer you this:

When hoping for relief from someone new
Ginnifer Goodwin, I’m here for you

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Saturday, May 21, 2011
4:18 p.m.

CORRECTION:  It must be the heat.  It was actually one year ago, not two, that I posted my review of He’s Just Not That Into You.  Therefore, “Two years ago” has been replaced with “Last year”.  Also, I’ve added a hyperlink to the original review in the text.  I regret the error.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Saturday, May 21, 2011
8:52 p.m.

Elaine Loring’s Public Battle With Breast Cancer

It was March 28th when I got the news.  My friend of four years is battling breast cancer.  She got the official diagnosis almost three weeks earlier, a dreaded revelation if ever there was one.  It was a hard message to read.

It was April 23rd, 2007, when I first heard from her.  She sent me a very nice email complimenting my website.  She also had a request.  Did I know Bill Brioux’s new email address?  The one she had was defunct.  (She found my site through a Google search and The Toronto Sun Family Blog which had kindly noted some of my pieces.)

Little did I know at the time, they’re old friends.  I passed her request on to The Canadian Press TV Critic and he gave her what she was looking for.  I wrote her a reply thanking her and much to my surprise, she wrote me back.  We’ve been exchanging messages here and there ever since.  Thoroughness is a common trait we share.

All this time I’ve learned what many others have known for a long time:   Elaine Loring is one cool lady.  Lovely, smart, funny, sweet, gracious, compassionate and endlessly energetic.  To have her in your corner means you matter. 

Now it’s time to return the favour.  Shellshocked by her surprising diagnosis, Elaine had been going back and forth on the idea of putting together a blog that would publicly document her battle with her disease, warts and all.  She asked friends and family what they thought.  Most, like myself, felt it was a great idea. 

When she turned to old pal Bruce Kirschbaum for advice, however, he convinced her once and for all to go for it.   The Emmy-winning writer noted that while her struggle with cancer would be the initial focus, her site “could be a platform to go into very wide-ranging terrain”.  Personally, I can’t get enough of her stories about being a Global TV reporter and would love to read more of that stuff.  Anything involving her late colleague Bob MacAdorey would be gold, too.  (Check out this 1996 interview she conducted with her longtime celebrity crush, Bobby Sherman, here.)

After only privately informing family and a few friends of her condition, Elaine finally went public on her Facebook page yesterday.  Lain’s Log, inspired by James T. Kirk’s Captain’s Log (she’s a longtime Shatner fan but curiously isn’t a Trekker), covers the entire history thus far of her cancer from that fateful February morning when she felt a lump in her right breast to all the testing for it through the shocking diagnosis and the overwhelming emotions of fear, anger and sadness resulting from this life-changing experience.

Others going through the same medical crisis will find much to relate to here like the torturous waiting of results, the second guessing of lifestyle choices possibly contributing to her condition, the sense of uncertainty and anguish as well as the ground swell of support from friends and family.  And even for those of us who don’t know what it’s like to feel so mortal in situations like this, the journal-style entries give you a strong sense of being in the room with Elaine as she deals with doctors and nurses and receptionists, all the while trying to make sense of an unfair dilemma.

Although this is very personal stuff, Elaine is very much in reportorial mode here as she describes in vivid detail the process of combating this horrible disease.  Her story on her MRI is particularly fascinating.

To fully appreciate Lain’s Log, you need go right to the beginning.  Click on the February 2011 archives, scroll down and work your way up.  The background on her cancer journey is equally important to the journey itself.

And if that’s not enough to keep you interested, the former Sunshine Girl has posted some awesome bikini shots, as well.  “Hey now!” as Hank Kingsley would say.

With the results of her MRI pending, all of her supporters will be eager to know what’s next for her recovery.  Based on what she’s written so far, she’s in great hands and because detection came early, her prospects for remission are hopefully very strong. 

In the meantime, check out Lain’s Log and offer her some support. 

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
3:27 a.m.

Olivia Wilde, I’m Here For You

You’re one of the most beautiful women in the world.  You’ve appeared on two hit TV dramas.  You’re in a commercially successful movie.  You’re a photographer’s dream.  Hell, even Megan Fox finds you irresistible.

But your personal life has seen better days. 

People Magazine has revealed that you’ve just separated from your husband (David Duchovny’s Italian doppelganger) after just 8 years of marriage.  Reportedly, the two of you aren’t living together anymore and have been having problems “for quite some time”, according to an unnamed source.

Olivia Wilde, I’m here for you.  Sure, I’m a human javelin living in Costanzaland, but you’d have a difficult time not smiling around me.  Silliness would abound.  It certainly beats feeling upset about a situation that might not be repairable.  Besides, you could use the cheering up right now, right?

We could talk about your upbringing in Washington, D.C., what it was like being babysat by Christopher Hitchens, and your love for Oscar Wilde, the man who has inspired you so much you adopted his surname as your own.  (We could talk about the controversy surrounding his supposed deathbed conversion to Catholicism.  I’m sure you have a strong opinion on that.)

I’d love to hear stories about your acting career.  What was it like having significant roles on shows like Skin, The O.C. and House?  What did you learn from those experiences that you’ve carried with you into your forays into film work?  I’d love to know if Jeff Bridges, your co-star in Tron: Legacy, is as cool and decent a person off-screen as he comes across on-screen.  I imagine he did another one of his photo scrapbooks during the shoot and you make more appearances in it than anybody else.

We could talk about the ridiculous way people treated you as a blond, hence your understandable change to a brunette.  Did anybody take you seriously and treat you well before the dye job?  I would’ve.  In fact, as great as you look with darker hair (like a femme fatale from a black and white film noir), I miss your original hair colour.  I first remember seeing you that way on The O.C. and I’ve been smitten ever since.  Honestly, you look great either way as anyone who saw Year One can attest. 

We could also talk about your love of classic cars (what are “suicide doors”?) and maybe you could take me for a spin in your 1958 Chevy Biscayne or 1959 Thunderbird Convertible.  I bet either one is a sweet ride, especially with you at the helm. 

I’d love to know about your friendship with Kumar (Does he talk about his experiences working in the Obama White House?), how you became a vegetarian and your experiences learning about acting in Ireland.  (How cool that you have dual citizenship.)

Now, granted, I’m not really a dog person (they hump my leg without buying me dinner first) so I’m not sure if I would get along with your beloved Paco.  But if you wanted to do a walk-and-talk with him, I think that would be ok.

Regardless of what you decide, Olivia, I hope your personal situation will improve and you’ll be in a better place emotionally. 

And with that, I offer you this:

Hang out with me and you won’t feel sad, boo
Olivia Wilde, I’m here for you.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
3:50 p.m.

Jennifer Jason Leigh, I’m Here For You

You were the sweet and sexy but woefully unprepared high schooler knocked up by a clumsy jerk in Fast Times At Ridgemont High.  You were brilliant as Bridget Fonda’s possessive and emotionally unstable roommate in Single White Female.  You ably handled the tricky role of a journalist long traumatized by the sexual abuse of her father in the underrated Dolores Claiborne.   And you played two very different prostitutes in Miami Blues and Last Exit To Brooklyn.

For almost 10 years, you’ve been shacked up with writer/director Noah Baumbach who’s been your husband since 2005.  You’re raising a young son together. 

But now, you want out.  “Irreconcilable differences” being the reason. 

Jennifer Jason Leigh, I’m here for you.  During this difficult time of separation, let me be the rebound guy in your time of despair.  Feel the need to turn on the waterworks?  I’ll supply the tissues.  Feel the need to vent?  I’m listening.  Feel the need to close the space between us?  This skinny Canuck can handle the passion.  Again and again and again.

If talking about your pending divorce is far too painful, we could delve into other subjects like your meticulous preparation for roles.  I’d love to know the whole process you went through for the TV-movie The Best Little Girl In The World in which you slimmed down to a scary 86 pounds and how you were able to come back to a healthier weight after shooting wrapped up.  I’d love to hear stories about working with esteemed directors like Robert Altman, Stanley Kubrick, Ron Howard and David Cronenberg.  And I would definitely be interested in knowing for sure which famous roles you turned down and why.  (Did you really pass on The Accused and The Silence Of The Lambs?  Jodie Foster owes you a couple of favours, in my book.)

Or if you’d rather not talk at all, I could help you reaffirm your sex appeal as many times as you’d like.  I don’t mind.  I’ve got the time.  Besides, you could use the release.

Then again, we could just boogie to my music collection.  I suffer from a serious condition known as wiggleitis but I hope you won’t hold that against me.  (It’s genetic.)  Like Tony Manero in Saturday Night Fever, dancing can be your welcome refuge from emotional pain.  Also, don’t be surprised if I serenade you from time to time while shirtless.  The longer I croon, the more I glisten.

In the meantime, I hope you will be able to end your marriage quickly and peacefully without too much conflict and that your son will still have two loving parents in his life guiding him through the joys and tribulations of childhood.

And with that, I leave you with this:

If you’re feeling lost and you don’t have a clue
Jennifer Jason Leigh, I’m here for you.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
1:10 a.m.

Christina Aguilera, I’m Here For You

You were a teenage pixie in the late 90s.  A little woman with a big, powerful voice.  A blonde latina who screamed hot, stinky sex.  World domination was inevitable.

Then, in the next decade, while in your early 20s, you met a guy who looks like Dave Gahan and appeared to be on the road to marital bliss.  You even made a baby together.  But after 8 years of togetherness, you’ve recently separated from your husband of five years.

Christina Aguilera, I’m here for you.  Rather than drift back into that awful depression you experienced years ago (all thanks to that awful, abusive father of yours you’ve wisely stayed away from), hang out with me instead.  We could serenade each other.  You’d show off your impressive pipes and I would reveal the severe limitations of my own.  Certainly worth a laugh or two.  We could rock out to my CD player or look for a Karaoke place.  Your choice.

You could enlighten me about Etta James, your favourite singer, and I could introduce you to some cool Canadian stuff in my CD collection.  We could talk about music all night long.  Or we could watch The Sound Of Music, one of your favourite movies.  (I’ve never seen it.)

I’d love to hear you tell stories about your days in The Mickey Mouse Club.  Or you could talk about your pet causes like your welcome support for gay rights (particularly gay marriage), environmental protections and victims of domestic violence not to mention the fights against breast cancer, AIDS and world hunger.  You’re quite the philanthropist and you could spend hours enlightening me on all these important causes.

Or we could go out dancing.  I have a lot of jiggle in my wiggle.  How ’bout we re-enact the Dirty video?  I’ll wear the assless chaps.

I would pay you endless compliments about your beauty, your soft, sexy speaking voice, and all the good work you’re doing on the charity front.  I would help you forget all about your separation.

Then again, maybe this isn’t a permanent split.  Maybe you’ll be able to work things out with Mr. Bratman.  (He seems like a nice guy.)  Hopefully, your little one will be ok, too.

In the meantime, I offer you this:

Don’t give in to sadness, whatever you do.
Christina Aguilera, I’m here for you.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
11:18 p.m.

UPDATE: It’s a permanent split.  Divorce papers have been filed.  I’m still here for you, Christina.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Thursday, October 14, 2010
6:08 p.m.