Since this website’s inception in February 2006, there have been occasional detours into the world of rhyme. I don’t know how others do it but I don’t stare at a blank screen waiting for inspiration to happen. A title or a line or a complete verse will simply come to me (usually while I’m in bed) and I’ll have to write it down quickly so I don’t forget. When I feel I have something worth fleshing out, I either write out a draft in ink or go to the computer and figure out where to go next.
In 2011, there were 28 such poems that were showcased here, the most I’ve ever completed in a twelve-month period. (Add three song parodies and the total goes up to 31.) Some readers enjoyed several of them enough to either leave a comment or click the “Like” button. That never stops feeling good. Writing verse is the most challenging type of writing you can pursue and certainly for me the most personal. (You’re at your most vulnerable despite not trying to be too specific.) When a complete stranger gets something out of your poetry, it’s something else.
While most of my poetry is autobiographical to some extent, it was nice to write from other points of view on occasion. Peace In Your Time was directly inspired by Eva Marie Woywod, an American small town reporter who was viciously attacked by her ex-husband several years ago. She very bravely recounts the harrowing tale on her entertaining blog, Thankfully Chewed Up & Spat Back Out!
An outspoken advocate for the abused, Woywod often performs the thankless task of frequently writing about these awful stories that make most of us tune out because they’re so horrifying and painful. When she succinctly complimented my poem, I was deeply flattered and pleased that she enjoyed it so much. I haven’t had the pleasure of conversing with her in quite a while but I do hope she’s ok. She’s been through a lot of heavy shit.
The lovely ladies of One Tree Hill inspired The Most Beautiful Cast On Television, one of the more lighthearted poems I’ve put together. The title was in my head for quite some time but I didn’t know what to do with it. Once I settled on a series of verses highlighting as many actresses from the show as possible, it was simply a matter of working it all out on paper, then typing it all on the computer.
Some of the surnames were very difficult but not impossible to rhyme. In the end, there was only one that couldn’t, which explains why Daphne Zuniga (hilariously snobby as Sophia Bush’s mom on the show) is simply referred to as Daphne Z. Sadly, no matter how hard I tried, nothing rhymes with that name. I briefly thought about making up a word but abandoned that approach for the finished result.
Embarrassingly, when the poem was posted, I realized I forgot to include a verse that was already written on paper. So without drawing any attention to it, I slyly slipped in the two lines about Alison Munn right between the sections that praise Barbara Alyn Woods (who played the cougariffic Deb Scott) and Jana Kramer (who played the troubled but ultimately sweet and sexy Alex). I also tweaked the second-to-last bit involving Elizabeth Harnois (who appeared in a few season four episodes as Shelley, the misguided but ultimately genial Clean Teen who deflowers Marvin in that year’s finale). I was worried the original verse would be misinterpreted. The updated version plays a lot better.
Because of the limited blogging space the poem doesn’t look exactly right. Every verse from top to bottom is supposed to consist of just two lines. But because some went longer than others, some sections have three lines. I suppose I could’ve reduced the size of the font which would’ve easily solved the problem. But who wants to squint? Despite being annoyed by the flawed layout, I’m very satisfied with the poem itself.
Happiness was another poem inspired by the show. I’ve been getting caught up with season eight on MuchMusic lately and was struck by one of Austin Nichols’ lines from an episode that year (“Happiness is a mood, not a destination”). So I stole it and worked from there.
Of all the poetic projects I showcased this year, none was more popular than My Penis Doesn’t Mind. A lot of the credit for the slight uptick in hits that it has thus far accumulated (109 to date) goes to a reader who linked to it on Reddit in its humour section. (Thanks, betcaro!) As a result, it’s the most viewed poem I’ve ever posted.
Sly Tribute attempted to honour Larissa Cardey, the former editor of MonkeyBiz.ca who left the job last summer. Mr. Thin Skin mocked stubborn, unaccountable, faux conservative pundits, particularly those in Canada, The Cozy Journalist satirized the sad state of the modern Washington reporter, and Occupation allowed me in my own way to publicly support the Occupy Wall Street movement. (To see all my poems, past and present, just click the Poetry section on the right side of my home page.)
After four and a half years on MSN/Windows Live Spaces, I moved my blog to WordPress in October last year. The reason for this was very simple: Microsoft was shutting down WLS for good and I didn’t want to lose my stuff. Thankfully, the company offered bloggers the opportunity to keep their sites going (well, just the contents of the blog itself, actually) by transferring to WP within half a year. By mid-March 2011, all remaining Spaces that hadn’t relocated would be deleted. (It actually took several days before the service was completely discontinued.) On March 15, the day before the mass shutdown was to begin, I paid tribute to my former blogging home.
Also ending its run this year was The Toronto Sun Family Blog, a longtime supporter of my site. After five years of nostalgia, opinions and exclusive reporting, John Cosway understandably decided to call it a day on November 1st. Truthfully, there were a few more pieces offered beyond that date (just video clips of the old days and an open forum for disgruntled staffers, past and present) but no more daily rants, compliments and personnel updates from Cosway himself. A Tribute To The Toronto Sun Family Blog speaks for itself.
2010 was a pitiful year for movie screenings. I batted 2 for 23. So, in 2011, I vowed to do much better. And I did. Of the 29 films I viewed, 13 were good, very good or excellent. Seven of these features – The Crow: City Of Angels, Super 8, X-Men: First Class, Eclipse (the third Twilight movie), Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo, A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010), and The American – were properly reviewed in this space. Only First Class and The American are worth seeing, by the way.
Speaking of that X-Men prequel, it also surfaced on Christina Lucas’ website by her request. It’s essentially the same review minus the cursing (I wasn’t thrilled with the unauthorized edit) but including some nifty photos. Generally, I was pretty happy with the added attention for the review.
I met Christina (and Eva Marie Woywod) through Writer’s Digest Community which is basically Facebook for writers. I had been putting off joining for almost two years so what finally convinced me to join?
Desperation and impatience. Hits for this site in its first six months on WordPress were painfully small, just a few hundred hits per month although my audience was growing slowly. I figured at the very least a few of my fellow scribblers would check things out and maybe spread the word. Although I do get the occasional bit of traffic from WDC, truthfully the vast majority of my readers have found me through Google. Still, I don’t regret joining. I’ve met and interacted with a lot of kind, supportive writers in there, several of whom have left lovely comments in this space.
Although it took nearly a year to happen (long story), MonkeyBiz.ca continued to publish my music reviews. Check out my takes on Keane’s Night Train EP, Breaching Vista’s Vera City, Camp Radio’s Campista Socialista and the October EP by The Consonance, all worthy editions to your own personal collections. I’m working on three more critiques at the moment but because of how busy December has been, there’s still a lot more work to do. I hope to have them ready for submission very soon.
For the first time in a decade, I finally upgraded my computer system. My original hard drive was pretty much toast two years ago so, based on the recommendation of a Summit Direct technician, I settled on a used one for just a little over a hundred bucks. Unfortunately, it didn’t come with a modem so Dave, my technically inclined friend of nearly 30 years, performed some emergency surgery by removing the modem from the old drive and placing it in the one I just purchased. It wasn’t fast (due to age) but it got the job done for a while until it became too slow to take anymore.
Because my printer and scanner were not compatible with this replacement system, they just sat there. Last year, while going through some Mel Gibson phone rants, the speakers blew out. Well, kind of. You see, after that happened, whenever I turned on my computer, sometimes the sound would come on (but you couldn’t turn it off or adjust the volume) and sometimes it would do an awesome Marcel Marceux impression. (Truthfully, they were starting to act up as far back as the spring of 2009. It was a long, slow decline.)
Over time, it was obvious that I needed a change. Thanks to a very generous financial gift from my parents, although it took five months of research, browsing, and decision making, my new system has been operational since November and I couldn’t be happier. To have a new external dial-up modem that makes no sound (unless you have the volume up on your speakers) is one of the many cool things about my new set-up. Considering the amount of money I spent on my first PC, it’s astounding how much the price has come down in just ten years and how much sleeker and more efficient these newer models are. So awesome.
Getting back to my site for a moment, this is the 94th and final entry for 2011. (I haven’t been this prolific in at least three years of doing this so I’m very happy with that number.) Longtime readers know that this annual blogging-in-review piece is saved for the final day of the year. It’s usually an epic in terms of length. This year’s edition was actually too long to contain in a single entry, hence this three-part series that began two days ago.
As I’ve previously noted, throughout the year I’ve offered plenty of poetry, the occasional film review as well as political and pop culture commentaries. I’ve also reached out to the likes of Demi Moore, Ginnifer Goodwin, Olivia Wilde and Jennifer Lopez, four beautiful actors now back on the market, who clearly need to be held by an underweight Canadian. (This website enjoyed the Lopez story citing it as “appropriately worshipful”.)
As you can tell from this series alone, it’s been a pretty terrific year for The Writings Of Dennis Earl. Several personal page view records were broken, I have WordPress blog followers now and the initial joy I experienced during the early days of the Windows Live period has been revitalized. Simply put, there have been a lot more positives than usual. But what’s next? Where do we go from here?
I’m about to find out.
Happy New Year, everyone.
Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Saturday, December 31, 2011
1:00 a.m.
What I Loathed About 2011
1. Boston beat Vancouver for The Stanley Cup. Canada’s drought continues.
2. WWE announcer Michael Cole’s endlessly annoying heel character which audiences have to put with on Raw, Smackdown and pay-per-views now. What happened to just describing the action inside the ring?
3. The exit of John Morrison. He should’ve been pushed for a World title.
4. The firings of Chris Masters, Vladimir Koslov, Melina, Gail Kim and David Hart Smith from WWE. They all deserved better.
5. Donald Trump.
6. The Penn State scandal. Why has it taken this long to go public?
7. The Arizona and Norway shootings. Needless tragedies.
8. The constant abuse that protestors in North America, Russia and the Middle East face every day they put their political beliefs and lives on the line. They all deserve respect whether you agree with their message or not. And I support them all.
9. Jack Layton died shortly after accomplishing his greatest political achievement: becoming the Leader of the Opposition in Canada.
10. Roger Abbott died. I was very lucky to have met him during my Royal Canadian Air Farce internship. Lovely man and a very funny sketch comedian. Will always miss his Leonard Cohen bits among many other comic gems.
11. Casey Anthony was acquited, which didn’t surprise me.
12. Sun TV News. Unwatchable.
13. Kamala The Ugandan Giant had his foot amputated due to diabetes.
14. All the horrible films I subjected myself to this year: Porky’s, A Nightmare On Elm Street (the remake), MacGruber, Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo, The Grudge 2, Vampires Suck, Jackass The Movie, The Stepfather remake and The Crow: City Of Angels.
15. That miserable, anonymous old bag who kept giving me a hard time in the CFNY Facebook group because I liked posting bits of trivia (or “wiki-facts”, as he put it) which was pretty much appreciated by most everybody else. He couldn’t take it. Said we already have an Alan Cross. (What? There’s no room for two?) Glad I left. I’d rather be happy. On the plus side, his embarrassing behaviour inspired this and this.
16. The unlawful murder of Osama Bin Laden. He should’ve been arrested and brought to trial. A lost opportunity for America to restore its once cherished concepts of law and order which don’t exist anymore. Except for the super-connected rich.
17. The Libya invasion. What business do we have interfering in another Middle Eastern country? How much oil do we really need?
18. Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich. The most soulless empty suits in The Republican Party. They stand for absolutely nothing. They just want power. Fuck them.
19. Charlie Sheen’s self-destruction. In the 80s, he appeared in two great Oliver Stone films: Platoon and Wall Street, the latter of which I finally screened recently. Now? He’s the manic idiot who gave up a cush gig on a bad sitcom. Good one, Sheenius.
20. Randy Orton’s on-again, off-again beard. Not working, dude. Stay clean shaven.
21. Robert Downey Jr. publicly urging forgiveness for Mel Gibson. He hasn’t earned it, Sherlock.
22. Santino Marella got into a car accident. Thankfully, he survived.
23. Mayor Rob Ford. Haven’t you embarrassed Toronto enough?
24. The ninth season of One Tree Hill will only feature 13 episodes next January in the States. We Canadians probably won’t get to see them on MuchMusic until fall 2012.
25. The shocking celebrations over Bin Laden’s assassination. Sophia Bush, Eric Boehlert and Howard Stern, I was disappointed in particular with all of your public approvals. You all know better.
26. The missing singles from R.E.M.’s latest greatest hits package. It should’ve been a triple disc set, not a double.
27. Gene Simmons unconvincing 180 on marriage. An act of a desperate man. Does anyone really believe he can be monogamous?
28. All the constant title changes in WWE. Long gone are the days when, for example, a World Champion could count on at least a year at the top.
29. Randy Savage died.
30. The phony outrage over Lars Von Trier’s confused comments about Nazis while promoting a movie at Cannes. Hire a funny spokesman instead.
31. The constant Presidential campaign coverage. It’s just too much.
32. The grief Chaz Bono had to face for doing Dancing With The Stars, especially from Fox News contributor Dr. Keith Ablow. Give the guy a break. He’s just dancing on TV!
33. Netflix’s misguided attempts to overcharge for beloved services. Yeah, that worked out well, didn’t it, fellas?
34. The spineless, unaccountable Washington press corps. How do they sleep at night?
35. Edge retired from WWE due to severe injuries. That’s a huge vacuum to fill.
36. The mighty Cee-Lo Green having to sing “Forget You” instead of “Fuck You” during live performances on award shows and at SummerSlam. Alanis Morissette got to say “fuck” on The Grammys fifteen years ago. Why couldn’t Green do it this year?
37. The Kardashians. Go away.
38. America’s Got Talent. What a joke. But maybe Howard Stern can fix it.
39. Piers Morgan Tonight. What a blatant asskisser.
40. Whitney. Not funny at all. She’s much better on those Comedy Central Roasts.
41. The no-choking-with-objects policy on Vintage Collection. Any time it happens, you just see a series of still frames instead of real-time video. Come on, guys. It looks stupid and insults the intelligence of the audience.
42. Evan Bourne and R-Truth’s ridiculous 30-day Wellness Policy suspensions for smoking synthetic weed. Is that really a performance enhancing drug?
43. Rowdy Roddy Piper’s unconvincing victory over The Miz on Raw. No more matches, Hot Rod. You’re sadly passed your prime.
44. Lindsay Lohan still hasn’t gotten sober and remains a blonde.
45. The phrase “WWE Universe”. So annoying. As CM Punk correctly pointed out, “They’re not a universe, they’re fans!”. Too bad he ended up using the phrase himself on the December 19th and 26th editions of Raw. Ugh.
46. President Obama. Worse than the last guy.
47. Patrice O’Neal died.
48. Sarah Palin.
49. The natural disasters that led to that nuclear calamity in Japan.
50. The earthquake in Turkey.
51. Gordon Ramsay.
52. Oprah’s Lifeclass. Seriously?
53. Prime Minister Harper finally got his majority.
54. The lack of outrage over President Obama’s oppressive policies. Doesn’t anyone care about due process and civil liberties anymore?
55. I wasn’t allowed to smile when I posed for my latest health card photo. Back to looking like a creep again. Sigh.
56. There was yet another shooting at Virginia Tech, four years after the first one.
57. The “anonymous” General Manager on Raw. What the hell was that about?
58. Michelle Bachmann getting apologies from NBC and Jimmy Fallon because The Roots played Lyin’ Ass Bitch by Fishbone during an appearance on Late Night. She doesn’t deserve one. The band got it right the first time.
59. Anthony Weiner had to resign because he likes sending pics of his bulging dong to chicks. Good thing I’m not a Congressman.
60. The homes featured on all those Hoarders shows. Deeply disturbing.
61. Nancy Grace.
62. Victoria Jackson.
63. That deplorable Toronto Sun story about NDP Leader Jack Layton getting a massage in a supposed “bawdy house” late in the federal election. Who cares?
64. Telemarketers. Why do you think we rarely answer our phone anymore? Take a hint.
65. The overblown coverage of the Prince William/Kate Middleton wedding. They seem like nice kids, but come on!
66. Bradley Manning’s continued mistreatment while being incarcerated by the U.S. federal government. Free him already. He’s a hero.
67. The bogus announcement by President Obama that the Iraq War was ending after the departure of several thousand troops. But what about the ones that will still be there? Ditto the private contractors? This was just as bad as President Bush’s Mission Accomplished fiasco. Glenn Greenwald got it right. It’s Endless War.
68. Amy Winehouse died.
69. Facebook’s constant tinkering with its layout. Pick one and stick with it already.
70. Soap star Farah Fath’s constant nagging of her long suffering boyfriend JP Lavoisier (another soap actor) to marry her already as depicted on Dirty Soap. Yeah, this is a happy relationship.
71. The mother of former Days Of Our Lives actor, the transfixing Nadia Bjorlin, on the same show. And you thought Farah was a colossal pain in the ass.
72. Dog The Bounty Hunter. Racist swine.
73. Comedian Gilbert Gottfried getting fired from his longtime gig as the voice of the duck in those Aflac commercials because he made controversial jokes about the Japanese tsunami. Guess they preferred his take on The Aristocrats.
74. The Score’s refusal to promote Vintage Collection on Friday nights. Apparently, if you believe the ads, it’s only on Saturdays!
75. Vicki Guerrero’s shrill voice. It’s enough already. And Dolph Ziggler doesn’t need her anymore.
76. President Obama’s hypocritical war on whistleblowers. So much for complete transparency.
77. World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan’s awful beard. You look like a hobo. Lose it already.
78. Domestic and international drones. They should be outlawed. The war on privacy continues.
79. The ad with that obnoxious bespectacled woman who dumped her boyfriend after he got her hooked on World of Warcraft. God, what a humourless bitch. And no, this doesn’t convince me to play the game. Neither does Chuck Norris.
80. The relentless canonization of the American military. Yes, it takes tremendous courage to put your life on the line for your country. Yes, many members of the service, past and present, have honourable records of their conduct. But ask the civilians of the Middle East how wonderful they are, especially the widows and the orphans. It’s time to end the suffering. We need a real troop withdrawal and a real peace process. Endless War solves nothing.
81. “The Situation”. On his business card, it reads “professional douche”.
82. The voiceover announcer on TMZ’s TV show. Shut up, asshole! You’re not funny.
83. Canada’s Worst Driver 7 runner-up Sly with his overuse of the word “freak” whenever he screwed up a challenge which was most of the time. Just say “fuck” already.
84. CDs without lyric sheets. Drives me crazy when I can’t understand what’s being sung.
85. Still living at home, still not earning a steady income and still not getting any.
Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
1:12 a.m.