It’s true. When it comes to business, Donald Trump will slap his name on anything.
Well, almost anything.
As it turns out, even the Republican nominee for American President has his limits. I managed to get my hands on a top secret list of potential businesses & products the would-be tyrant was thinking of endorsing but ultimately turned down. As you’ll see from the proposed advertising slogans alone, he made the right decision:
1. Trump Laxative – “Because you’re always full of shit.”
2. Trump Kindergarten – “I love the poorly educated!”
3. Trump Energy Drink – “Recommended by Jeb Bush.”
4. Trump Hair Spray – “What global warming?”
5. Trump Restaurant – “Don’t try the veal.”
6. Trump Tampons – “When she’s got blood coming out of her wherever.”
7. Trump Surveillance – “Because I don’t trust Malaria or whatever the hell her name is.”
8. Trump Police Department – “Get ’em out of here!”
9. Trump Juice – “Always bitter.”
10. Trump Condoms – “Only in small.”
11. Trump Furniture – “Just as unstable.”
12. Trump Computers – “Pre-installed with Windows 10.”
13. Trump Compass – “Be as lost as I am.”
14. Trump Prostate Exam – “I’ve handpicked the doctors myself!”
15. Trump Dictionary – “All new definitions.”
16. Trump Cock Rings – “Only in small.”
17. Trump “Is My Daughter Bangable?” App – “When you’ve run out of options.”
18. Trump Eyeglasses – “Nope. Still blurry.”
19. Trump Decatheter – “Still less painful than a Trump Presidency.”
20. Trump Books – “I don’t write ’em. You won’t read ’em.”
21. Trump Sperm Bank – “I’ve handpicked the donors myself!”
22. Trump Mayonnaise – “You don’t wanna know.”
23. Trump Moisturizer – “You really don’t wanna know.”
23. Trump Belt Buckles – “If Ben Carson tries to stab you, believe me, you’ll be protected.”
24. Trump’s Hot Sauce – “You won’t put this shit on anything.”
25. Trump Linens – “Perfect for your next Klan meeting.”
26. Trump Salad – [to the tune of Ricola] “E. coli! E. coli!”
27. Trump Microscope – “Because it’s too small.”
28. Trump Hot Dogs – “Endorsed by a real-life wiener.”
29. Trump Spray Tan – “Orange Is The New Black.”
30. Trump Pregnancy Test – “Make America Late Again!”
31. Trump Noose – “Perfect for your next Klan meeting.”
32. Trump Pyjamas – “Made in China.”
33. Trump Seatbelts – “Believe me, they’re safe.”
34. Trump Klux Klan – “I handpicked all the members myself!”
35. Trump Films – “Coming soon: a remake of Triumph Of The Will.”
36. Trump Encyclopedia – “All new facts.”
37. Trump Coffins – “You’d rather be cremated.”
38. Trump Taxi – “Because Uber is too reliable.”
39. Trump Bread – “Like my supporters, it’s full of nuts!”
40. Trump Mortgages – “What could possibly go wrong?”
41. Trump Wooden Crosses – “Perfect for your next Klan meeting.”
42. Trump Space Shuttle – “Believe me, it won’t crash.”
43. Trump Human Zoo – “Look at my African-American!”
44. Trump Time Machine – “When your whole life is a mistake and you want a do-over.”
45. Trump Cable News – “Formerly CNN and MSNBC.”
46. Trump Insulting Nickname Generator – “When you can’t think of a persuasive argument.”
47. Trump Paper – “Like me, it’s always blank.”
48. Trump Breast Pump – “It’s disgusting. Like me.”
49. Trump Thongs – “Wouldn’t you want me up your ass?”
50. Trump Nukes – “Made in North Korea.”
51. Trump Bras – “If you’re flat, forget it.”
52. Trump Paperweights – “Just as thick and useless.”
53. Trump Video Cassettes – “Because they’re bound to make a comeback, right?”
54. Trump Insurance – “Not available to Muslims or Mexicans.”
55. Trump Health Care – “You’re gonna die sooner.”
56. Trump Picture Frames – “It’ll sell, right?”
57. Trump Weaves – “Because bald is too natural.”
58. Trump Lie Detector – “Because the press doesn’t care.”
59. Trump Slinky – “It’s all downhill from here.”
60. Trump Jocks – “Only in small.”
61. Trump Manure – “If it smells like bullshit, it’s Trump.”
Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Saturday, June 4, 2016
4:26 p.m.
THE WRITINGS OF DENNIS EARL 
Rejected Donald Trump Brand Endorsements
It’s true. When it comes to business, Donald Trump will slap his name on anything.
Well, almost anything.
As it turns out, even the Republican nominee for American President has his limits. I managed to get my hands on a top secret list of potential businesses & products the would-be tyrant was thinking of endorsing but ultimately turned down. As you’ll see from the proposed advertising slogans alone, he made the right decision:
1. Trump Laxative – “Because you’re always full of shit.”
2. Trump Kindergarten – “I love the poorly educated!”
3. Trump Energy Drink – “Recommended by Jeb Bush.”
4. Trump Hair Spray – “What global warming?”
5. Trump Restaurant – “Don’t try the veal.”
6. Trump Tampons – “When she’s got blood coming out of her wherever.”
7. Trump Surveillance – “Because I don’t trust Malaria or whatever the hell her name is.”
8. Trump Police Department – “Get ’em out of here!”
9. Trump Juice – “Always bitter.”
10. Trump Condoms – “Only in small.”
11. Trump Furniture – “Just as unstable.”
12. Trump Computers – “Pre-installed with Windows 10.”
13. Trump Compass – “Be as lost as I am.”
14. Trump Prostate Exam – “I’ve handpicked the doctors myself!”
15. Trump Dictionary – “All new definitions.”
16. Trump Cock Rings – “Only in small.”
17. Trump “Is My Daughter Bangable?” App – “When you’ve run out of options.”
18. Trump Eyeglasses – “Nope. Still blurry.”
19. Trump Decatheter – “Still less painful than a Trump Presidency.”
20. Trump Books – “I don’t write ’em. You won’t read ’em.”
21. Trump Sperm Bank – “I’ve handpicked the donors myself!”
22. Trump Mayonnaise – “You don’t wanna know.”
23. Trump Moisturizer – “You really don’t wanna know.”
23. Trump Belt Buckles – “If Ben Carson tries to stab you, believe me, you’ll be protected.”
24. Trump’s Hot Sauce – “You won’t put this shit on anything.”
25. Trump Linens – “Perfect for your next Klan meeting.”
26. Trump Salad – [to the tune of Ricola] “E. coli! E. coli!”
27. Trump Microscope – “Because it’s too small.”
28. Trump Hot Dogs – “Endorsed by a real-life wiener.”
29. Trump Spray Tan – “Orange Is The New Black.”
30. Trump Pregnancy Test – “Make America Late Again!”
31. Trump Noose – “Perfect for your next Klan meeting.”
32. Trump Pyjamas – “Made in China.”
33. Trump Seatbelts – “Believe me, they’re safe.”
34. Trump Klux Klan – “I handpicked all the members myself!”
35. Trump Films – “Coming soon: a remake of Triumph Of The Will.”
36. Trump Encyclopedia – “All new facts.”
37. Trump Coffins – “You’d rather be cremated.”
38. Trump Taxi – “Because Uber is too reliable.”
39. Trump Bread – “Like my supporters, it’s full of nuts!”
40. Trump Mortgages – “What could possibly go wrong?”
41. Trump Wooden Crosses – “Perfect for your next Klan meeting.”
42. Trump Space Shuttle – “Believe me, it won’t crash.”
43. Trump Human Zoo – “Look at my African-American!”
44. Trump Time Machine – “When your whole life is a mistake and you want a do-over.”
45. Trump Cable News – “Formerly CNN and MSNBC.”
46. Trump Insulting Nickname Generator – “When you can’t think of a persuasive argument.”
47. Trump Paper – “Like me, it’s always blank.”
48. Trump Breast Pump – “It’s disgusting. Like me.”
49. Trump Thongs – “Wouldn’t you want me up your ass?”
50. Trump Nukes – “Made in North Korea.”
51. Trump Bras – “If you’re flat, forget it.”
52. Trump Paperweights – “Just as thick and useless.”
53. Trump Video Cassettes – “Because they’re bound to make a comeback, right?”
54. Trump Insurance – “Not available to Muslims or Mexicans.”
55. Trump Health Care – “You’re gonna die sooner.”
56. Trump Picture Frames – “It’ll sell, right?”
57. Trump Weaves – “Because bald is too natural.”
58. Trump Lie Detector – “Because the press doesn’t care.”
59. Trump Slinky – “It’s all downhill from here.”
60. Trump Jocks – “Only in small.”
61. Trump Manure – “If it smells like bullshit, it’s Trump.”
Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Saturday, June 4, 2016
4:26 p.m.
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on June 4, 2016 at 4:27 pm Comments (1)