In 1998, they unleashed the first one, The Best of 1980-1990, a wonderful collection covering the energetic early days and the more compelling breakthrough accomplishments of the late 80s. Still, it was odd that they didn’t include every hit single they had during that period. Where were Gloria, Two Hearts Beat As One and Bullet The Blue Sky? There was plenty of room on the CD to include those successes as well.
And now comes the sequel, The Best of 1990-2000. 2 months before the first pressing hits stores (which includes a limited edition second disc of re-mixes and B-sides plus a DVD), we know what’s going on the album: 2 new singles and an impressive list of familiar radio staples from the last 11 years. (The inclusions of both Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me from Batman Forever and Miss Sarajevo, the collaboration with Brian Eno and Luciano Pavarotti for the one-album Passengers project, were both pleasant surprises, even if the latter is an edit.) Unfortunately, the upcoming album doesn’t include every big single. Here are the ones that didn’t make the cut:
1. Who’s Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses?
The final single from 1991’s Achtung Baby is not scheduled to appear on the new release. Neither the abbreviated re-mixed single nor the full 5 minute album version have been included. True, it wasn’t as huge as say The Fly or Mysterious Ways, both of which did make the cut, but it was everywhere in early 1993. The album version is deeply moving despite its murky, challenging arrangement. U2’s best songs create atmosphere not only in the music but in Bono’s poetic lyrics, and Who’s Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses? is a good example of that, documenting a turbulent, often lusty relationship that prevents the protagonist from ever fully escaping the woman who continually drives him crazy. This might be U2’s most tortured love song.
U2’s brilliant re-thinking of what makes the ultimate dance song only appears in a re-mix version on disc two of the limited edition first pressing. The best version has always been the full 7-minute cut on the band’s best and most underappreciated studio album of the 90s, Zooropa. A brilliant musical melding of electronica, disco, classical and pop, it might be the most exquisite dance number of the last decade. Lyrically intriguing with its tale of a film director who lives only to capture his beautiful leading lady on film in the best possible light, it is simply a great piece of musicmaking. On paper, it shouldn’t work. But U2 make it come to life.
3. Last Night On Earth
One of the best singles from the Pop album was foolishly excluded from this second greatest hits package. With its wonderful, goose pimply electronic opening to The Edge’s always confident guitar playing to Bono’s empathetic read on his own lyrics, this was one of the standouts.
4. Walk On
This coming November marks an important anniversary. 10 years ago, Neil Jordan’s acclaimed film, The Crying Game, began its surprisingly successful theatrical run.
Distributed by the then-independent Miramax Films, The Crying Game slowly started a buzz that spilled over into the new year, resulting in one award after another and ample press coverage. The buzz led to 6 Academy Award nominations including Best Picture. While it would only win one Oscar for its screenplay, The Crying Game was a huge breakthrough for independent cinema.
It inspired other filmmakers to throw in unexpected twists in their films. I can’t imagine The Usual Suspects, The Sixth Sense or Memento being made were it not for The Crying Game, one of the best films of the 1990s. What happened to some of the film’s key players? Here’s an update on their subsequent projects and where they are now.
Neil Jordan (Writer/Director)
Irish filmmaker Jordan would see his small but powerful film earn as much as 62 million in North America after its world premiere at the 1992 Toronto International Film Festival. His next film was the long delayed adaptation of Anne Rice’s Interview With The Vampire. Finally released in November 1994 after almost 20 years of setbacks it was a critical and financial blockbuster.
Jordan then directed Liam Neeson in the 1996 drama, Michael Collins, about the controversial IRA leader. He ended the decade by directing two films in 1999, In Dreams with Annette Bening and The End Of The Affair with Julianne Moore who received an Oscar nomination for her performance. His latest film is The Good Thief (originally titled The Honest Thief), a remake starring Nick Nolte which premiered at Cannes last May and also played the Toronto International Film Festival in September. It opens in limited release in April.
Stephen Rea (Fergus/Jimmy)
Fergus was the IRA terrorist who befriends his British hostage (Forest Whitaker) and learns of his lady love, Dil (Jaye Davidson), who he later pursues as "Jimmy". Fergus, along with everybody else, is stunned when he learns of Dil’s true identity.
After receiving an Oscar nomination for his great performance, Rea collaborated with Jordan on a number of films including Interview With The Vampire, Michael Collins and In Dreams. Some may remember him from Angie (1994) where he played Noel, an Irish attorney who fancies an Italian woman played by Geena Davis. Other credits include Ready To Wear and Princess Caraboo, both from 1994, and a number of TV projects. Last year, Rea appeared in 3 films. By the way, Rea in real life was once married to a former IRA bomber and was thanked in the liner notes of Ozzy Osbourne’s Diary Of A Madman album.
Jaye Davidson (Dil)
The most important character in the movie, without question, is Dil, the mysteriously seductive hairdresser Fergus befriends after the botched hostage situation. Davidson received an Oscar nomination for the performance but what happened to him? Well, he appeared in one more hit movie, Stargate (1994), playing the villain, Ra, the sun god, a role which earned him a million dollars. He was last seen in the 1995 documentary, Catwalk, working as a fashion assistant, the job he had before starring in The Crying Game.
Jim Broadbent (Col)
The veteran character actor played a small role as Col, the bartender at a nightclub where Dil occasionally sings. At one point in the film, he nearly blurts out Dil’s secret to Fergus (who at that point calls himself Jimmy) but is interrupted by her appearance on stage. Since The Crying Game, Broadbent’s career has boomed.
In 1994, he appeared in Princess Caraboo with Stephen Rea, Widows’ Peak (which had an unexpected plot twist of its own) and Woody Allen’s Bullets Over Broadway. You may also remember seeing him in The Borrowers and Little Voice (both in 1998) and in Mike Leigh’s Topsy-Turvy.
Without a doubt, 2001 was Broadbent’s most successful year in the business. He was Renee Zellweger’s father in Bridget Jones’s Diary, the MC in Moulin Rouge and the husband of a writer suffering from Alzheimer’s in Iris. He stunned everyone by winning the Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his work in Iris.
Look for him in Martin Scorsese’s Gangs Of New York as well as in Nicholas Nickleby.
Miranda Richardson (Jude)
This sexy British star played Fergus’ fellow IRA conspirator and lover.
Remarkably, this was one of 3 successful films Richardson acted in in 1992. Besides The Crying Game, she played Rose in Enchanted April (which also featured a funny Jim Broadbent performance) and played Jeremy Irons’ betrayed wife in Damage, for which she received an Oscar nomination. Another nomination followed 2 years later for her portrayal of Vivienne Haigh-Wood, the mentally ill wife of T.S. Eliot (Willem Dafoe), in Tom & Viv. She co-starred with Robert Duvall in The Apostle (1997) and won acclaim for her work in Tim Burton’s Sleepy Hollow.
Richardson has also done voice-over work for animated features. She was Anna in The King And I (1999) and Mrs. Tweedy, the wicked farmer, in the delightful Chicken Run (2000). She’ll be appearing in 5 films from now until 2003.
Forest Whitaker (Jody)
Jody was the doomed British hostage entrapped by the sexy Jude and befriended by Fergus. Whitaker’s career was going just fine when he was tapped to play this crucial role in the film.
Previously, he was probably best known for appearing in Good Morning Vietnam (1987). Since 1992, he has been extremely busy in numerous high-profile features. He played John Travolta’s best friend in Phenomenon (1996) and Travolta’s right hand man in Battlefield Earth (2000), to name a couple. He’s also batting 1.000 as a director thanks to his work on Waiting To Exhale (1995) and Hope Floats (1998), both box office hits.
In 2002, Whitaker enjoyed more success playing one of the determined burglars in the hit thriller, Panic Room.
Anne Dudley (Composer)
A member of the on-again, off-again experimental rock group, The Art Of Noise, Dudley has found great success composing films. (Believe it or not, her first credit is the 1987 comedy, Disorderlies, which starred The Fat Boys.)
In 1994, the American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers (better known as ASCAP) gave her an award for writing the music for The Crying Game in the Top Box Office Films category. Her greatest triumph, though, came in 1998 when she won an Oscar for scoring The Full Monty. Her other composing credits include Buster, Say Anything, American History X, Pushing Tin, Monkeybone and the upcoming Vin Diesel film, A Man Apart, which opens on April 4.
When she’s not working on movies, she finds time to put out solo albums. Her most recent effort, A Different Light, was issued in 2001.
Susie Figgis (Casting Director)
Born in Kenya before moving to England in her youth, Figgis has been responsible for casting many of the more acclaimed films of the last 20 years. As a result, she’s considered to be the best casting agent in the United Kingdom. First-time director Ben Hopkins, who worked with Figgis on his 1999 film Simon Magus, essentially described her job in an interview with FilmFour.com by saying that she "comes up with lists and suggestions of people who might be good. And if you don’t know their work you go and find out."
Beginning with Gandhi in 1982, she has also worked on Local Hero, The Killing Fields, The Mission, Cry Freedom, Scandal, The Piano, Rob Roy, The Full Monty, Sleepy Hollow, and 4 Neil Jordan films: Mona Lisa, Michael Collins, The End Of The Affair and the upcoming release, The Good Thief.
In 2000, it was widely rumoured that she quit her job casting the film Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone in protest after learning that a young American actor was in the running to play the title role. She was reportedly insistent that the role be played by a Brit, as did Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling. A source told ABC News, though, that she quit to go on a month-long vacation. At any event, she was replaced by an American casting agent who, indeed, cast British newcomer Daniel Radcliffe in the role of Harry.
Susie Figgis also worked on the 1994 remake of The Browning Version, directed by her cousin, Mike Figgis (Internal Affairs, Leaving Las Vegas, Time Code).
By Dennis Earl
When is the right time to pull the plug on a movie franchise? When all creativity is spent or when the money stops rolling in by the barrel? In most cases, it’s usually the latter. But even after a movie series’ commercial and creative peak has long passed, leave it to greedy old Hollywood to keep beating its dead cinematic horses. The following franchises, with some exceptions, arguably might want to re-consider assisted suicide:
2002 marked the 40th anniversary of the most successful ongoing movie series in history. 4 years later, the 25th chapter in this enduring franchise (a serious remake of Casino Royale), is ready to go with Daniel Craig (Layer Cake, Road To Perdition) becoming the sixth actor to play James Bond on the big screen. 5 actors have previously played author Ian Fleming’s macho British spy in 24 films which have collectively grossed almost 3 and a half billion worldwide. Sean Connery is considered the best 007, appearing in 7 flicks, while George Lazenby, who only made On Her Majesty’s Secret Service in 1969, is the least liked Bond (which is unfair because he was effective in that disappointing film). The first film in the series, Dr. No, debuted in the UK in October 1962 and, in my view, was a terrible film. It wasn’t until From Russia With Love, the second movie, that the series understood what James Bond is all about. (It’s held up remarkably well along with Goldfinger and You Only Live Twice. I recommend all three as a terrific Sean Connery/007 triple bill.) It remains to be seen what the overall reaction will be to this second and apparently darker version of Casino Royale. (The 1967 original, which starred David Niven of all people as Bond, was played for laughs.) Pierce Brosnan was hoping to reprise his most famous role again after 4 successful stints as the great British super spy. But apparently, the producers wanted to go in a different direction, which is crazy considering how audiences worldwide warmly embraced the Irish actor every time he played Bond. (Die Another Day, his last entertaining Bond film, made almost half a billion dollars internationally.) The filmmakers are taking a risk on Daniel Craig who is a good character actor as he proved in Road To Perdition when he played gangster Paul Newman’s son. But does he have what it takes to play a beloved super spy? I withhold judgment, as always, until I see the film (which probably won’t be for a long time, knowing me). All the Bond films made from 1962 to 1989 were based on actual Ian Fleming novels. Since 1995’s Goldeneye (the name of Fleming’s self-build residence where he wrote the books), all the Bond films have been original stories. That is until this upcoming remake of Casino Royale. From what I understand, the James Bond that Ian Fleming wrote about was very different than the one that appeared in the movies. He was very much a cold fish and not really a ladykiller and I’m wondering if that’s the direction they’re going to be taking Bond in from here on out. It all depends how well the movie is received by audiences. Casino Royale opens in theatres on November 17.
The Pink Panther
It might not have been as successful or prolific as the Bond pictures, but this on-going comedic franchise is only 2 years younger. Following The Pink Panther in 1964, there have been 8 sequels. Peter Sellers played the bumbling Inspector Clouseau in 6 of the 9 films, easily making him the definitive actor for the part. (Alan Arkin played him in Inspector Clouseau (1968).) In the last 20 years, at least one Panther movie has appeared. In 1983, Ted Wass (Soap, Blossom) played moronic NYPD Sgt. Clifton Sleigh who is assigned to find the missing Clouseau in Curse Of The Pink Panther. And 10 years later, Son Of The Pink Panther was released. Director Blake Edwards originally wanted Gerard Depardieu for the role of Clouseau Jr., but Roberto Benigni was cast instead. (6 years later, Benigni won a couple of Oscars for his overrated hit, Life Is Beautiful.) In 2006, after much delay, the tenth Pink Panther movie hit theatres. This was a remake of the awful original with Steve Martin becoming the third actor to play Clouseau. He was cast in the role after Mike Myers and Kevin Spacey both turned down the opportunity. The movie was a surprise hit this past February earning 82 million dollars during its run in North American theatres. (According to the Internet Movie Database, though, it cost roughly 80 million to produce.) As a result, an eleventh film in the series is scheduled for release in 2008. It has no title and is currently in development, according to the IMDb.
John Carpenter’s Halloween was a surprise indie smash in 1978 and it has inspired 7 less successful sequels. The anti-hero of the series, Michael Myers, a masked homicidal mental patient, has appeared in all but one of these films despite being shot, beaten and burned in movie after movie. The last sequel, Halloween: Resurrection, was issued in the summer of 2002 and once again, Jamie Lee Curtis made an appearance. (She has been in half of the movies, thus far.) Now, as was the case with The Pink Panther, the franchise lives on with an upcoming remake of the original, which is considered one of the scariest and most influential horror movies of all time. Rob Zombie, who has found a second career as a horror movie director, is the brave soul hoping to tackle this impossible project. I wish him well. He’s a talented musician whose previous film work I’ve yet to see but he’s got his work cut out for him taking on a highly regarded film like this one. As of right now, the ninth Halloween movie (the remake of the original), is due to be released theatrically on October 19, 2007.
10 years after the original TV series signed off prematurely, Trekkers were clamouring for the debut film which made 139 million worldwide despite being a snoozefest. Before 2002, the movie franchise was an enduring moneymaker, despite some critical misses and the replacement of Kirk and company with The Next Generation stars in the 1990s. After the release of the tenth film, Star Trek: Nemesis, reality set in. The film was a commercial failure and more importantly, not a good movie. Still, it was an improvement, for me, over Insurrection, the 1998 stinker which was the worst chapter in the series since the original. It’s been 40 years since the original voyages of the Starship Enterprise and there are no new Star Trek TV series on the air. Enterprise, the fifth series following Voyager, Deep Space Nine, Next Generation and the original Star Trek, went off the air in 2005 after a 4-year run. But an eleventh feature film is in the works for 2008. Spearheaded by red-hot filmmaker J.J. Abrams (M.I. III, Lost), the film is reportedly focusing on the early years of Captain James Tiberius Kirk and his Vulcan pal, Mr. Spock. One of the most influential franchises, in more ways than one, hopefully this new film will come up with some freshness that the series has been lacking since they killed off Kirk in Generations (for me, the best Star Trek movie). The movie, which doesn’t have an official title yet, is tentatively scheduled for July 2008.
Friday The 13th
Like Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees is incapable of dying as long as movie fans want to see him slash more victims. Inspired by the success of Halloween, Friday The 13th was originally released in May 1980 and came across as Psycho in reverse. (You know what I mean if you’ve seen the film.) It made a nice profit for its distributor, Paramount Pictures. (37 million on a $700,000 budget. ) Jason didn’t officially start killing people, though, until Part 2 which was released in 1981. He didn’t start wearing the infamous hockey mask until well into the third movie which was filmed in 3D. Unsurprisingly, since then, there have been even more sequels as well as premature “finales”. On at least two occasions – The Final Chapter (part four) and Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (number nine) – the filmmakers have gone so far as to promise the audience the true end of Jason, only to revive him once again in a later sequel. The fifth installment, A New Beginning, (a false title if there ever was one) didn’t actually feature the true Jason, only an imitator. But apparently, the real Jason is brought back to life in Jason Lives, the sixth movie. (I will know for sure when I screen the movie soon.) Jason has been revived two more times this decade. In 2002, he moved from Crystal Lake and Manhattan to outer space in Jason X and the following year he battled Freddy Krueger, the indestructible villain from the Nightmare On Elm Street franchise in Freddy Vs. Jason. Now, it’s been announced, that there will be yet another film in the franchise. According to an online report, it’s going to be a prequel and I wouldn’t be surprised if it ends up being called Friday The 13th: The Beginning. It’s coming in 2007. Oh goody.
Are you tired of seeing bad movies? Are you fed up getting your hopes up only to be disappointed time and time again? Feeling it in the wallet, are ya? Well, I know exactly how you feel and the best part is I’m here to help you.
Sometimes, Hollywood can deceive you. A brilliant trailer can make you salivate for a new film’s release. Then, you see the film and realize you’ve been had. (I’m talking to you, Basic Instinct.) Well, don’t let the ad wizards fool you anymore. In fact, forget everything you know about movies and keep reading.
I’m going to save you money and heartache by revealing a small list of ways you can tell that new movie you’re excited about seeing might not be so great after all:
1. It’s based on a TV show.
Excluding The Fugitive, Star Trek, South Park and possibly a few others, no one can make a decent film out of a beloved Television series. Remember The Beverly Hillbillies, The Flintstones, Flipper, The Brady Bunch Movie, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, The Avengers, The Saint, Sgt. Bilko, Bewitched, Fat Albert, The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle, I Spy, Thunderbirds, and Charlie’s Angels? All craptacular. Let’s face it. Even bad programs can inspire terrible films. (Think Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie and the first 3 Pokemon films.) If you despised Scooby Doo (like I did), now you know why.
2. It’s based on an SNL skit.
Roger Ebert noted that Saturday Night Live creator Lorne Michaels has a suspect track record when it comes to producing big screen versions of famous SNL skits. With the exception of the wonderful Wayne’s World films (which actually created a world for our heroes outside the basement where they broadcast their cable access show), everything I’ve seen that Michaels has produced has been dreadful. There was The Waterboy (based on Adam Sandler’s Canteen Boy) which I’m sure Henry Winkler and Kathy Bates would like to forget; The Ladies Man, an astonishingly unfunny full length extension of the much funnier TV sketches featuring Leon Phelps, the character created by Tim Meadows; Coneheads, (also a short lived TV show in the early 80s) the needless re-teaming of original aliens Dan Ackroyd and Jane Curtin. And I’m sure there are those who will add Superstar (Molly Shannon’s saucy Catholic klutz, Mary Katherine Gallagher) and A Night At The Roxbury (Chris Kattan and Will Ferrell’s head-bopping strike-out kings) to this growing list of SNL stinkers.
3. It’s a sequel.
Sometimes, a follow-up film to an entertaining original can be just as fun. (White Fang 2, Scream 2, Shrek 2, Free Willy 3 and Jurassic Park 3 come to mind.) But 9 times out of 10 you’ve wasted your money if you bought a ticket to see movies like Another Stakeout, Free Willy 2, Home Alone 2, Nutty Professor 2, City Slickers 2, A Very Brady Sequel, Urban Legends: Final Cut, The Ring Two, Next Friday, Poltergeist II and III, Rocky II through V, Grumpier Old Men, Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls, The Mummy Returns, Book Of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, Look Who’s Talking Now, Alien: Resurrection, Jeepers Creepers 2, Rush Hour 2, Beethoven’s 2nd, Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit, The Next Karate Kid, Scary Movie 2, Scream 3, Son Of The Mask, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, Neverending Story II, Herbie: Fully Loaded, Friday The 13th Parts 2 through 5, Police Academy 2 through 7, and countless others.
4. It wasn’t screened for critics.
If you want to avoid bad films, read the papers. From time to time, word leaks out that a film is so bad the studio distributing the bomb won’t screen it for the critics in advance of its release. That’s what happened to Mo’ Money in 1992 (which still had a decent opening weekend) and Autumn In New York in 2000. If the studio won’t even let the critics look at it for free, why would you pay to see it?
5. Its release date keeps changing.
Another sure sign that a studio is harbouring a bomb. Car 54, Where Are You? was filmed for the troubled Orion Pictures in 1990, was supposed to be released in 1991 but then the studio went backrupt. Despite that, they were also delaying the inevitable. Later, the movie was supposed to be out in 1992, then ’93. Finally, it was dumped without much fanfare in January 1994 where it was rightly and quickly forgotten. Forget Exit To Eden, this is the film that Rosie O’Donnell should regret the most.
Here’s a very silly short story from my high school period. It was written February 7, 1991 during Grade 10 Advanced English. All of us were asked to write a short piece of fiction, then have a fellow classmate proofread it. Finally, after all of that was taken care of, we got to read our stories out loud right in front of the entire class. I thrived on assignments like this. Any chance to get laughs in front of an audience I gladly took.
Half of my life has passed since I wrote Plot To Kill (I still love that title) and I still marvel at how much I’ve changed as a writer since I was a teenager. Anyone reading this today will instantly note that it was written by a very silly boy who loved movies about gangsters and tough cops. (One such famous movie cop makes a surprise guest appearance at the end.)
I’ve decided to post it, despite its numerous shortcomings, because it’s fun to read. (I remember the Grade 10 English class liked it. A friend in the class, who I haven’t seen in years, enjoyed the different voices I gave the characters. I’ve since forgotten how I did that, but the compliment was nice.) It has some funny parts (one of which is completely preposterous) but clearly, looking back, there were some missed comic opportunities. Then again, I was only 15 and not a genius. I still like the idea for the story, though. Maybe something better can be done with it in the future.
The story ended inconclusively but there was never any intention to write a follow-up. (It was just an assignment for English class.) Still, I’ve dropped the "TO BE CONTINUED…" bit that originally ended the piece. I don’t want to give anyone the impression that I’m not done working with these characters. Quite the contrary. I have no desire to do a sequel.
PLOT TO KILL
Harvey Bergman was a construction worker and a damn good one at that! He had 5 kids and a wife who didn’t appreciate all the things he did for his family. One day, while he was waiting for the bus, he saw two suspicious men with slicked-back hair and ponytails start moving towards the bus stop. They were chatting very loudly about something that he couldn’t quite understand. "Hey Cloe," said the first thug, "What are we going to do about the family business, eh?"
"I don’t know. Just because someone knows something about our business doesn’t mean he’s gonna squeal!" said the second thug.
"Well, if you say so!" whined the first thug.
While this was going on, Harvey thought to himself about what the consequences were gonna be because he was hearing some weird conversation.
Well, it’s New York City at 10 o’clock at night. What the hell did he think this was? Hamilton, Ontario, Canada? Obviously, it was not.
After waiting for the bus for 10 minutes, it finally arrived, and not a moment too soon.
Harvey let the two men go on the bus first. That was so they wouldn’t be able to put a gun to his back and then pull the trigger. Then he went on the bus and put $1.25 in the fare machine. "Damnit! How the hell did the bus fare get so high?" he said out loud.
"Well, for one thing, they increased the price by a quarter way back in January!" replied the bus driver.
After Harvey found a seat at the back of the bus, he continued to listen in on the unusual conversation that drove his curiosity bonkers.
"You know, Vincent," said Cloe, "I think that it would be appropriate to discuss termination of this Frank Caprelli character!"
"I don’t know, Cloe, " Said Vincent. "I think we ought to discuss this with the boss first before we do anything else!"
Harvey could not believe his ears. A plot to kill someone? That was absolutely horrible to even think of. The two thugs started whispering which made it hard for Harvey to listen to. So, out of a moment of desperation, he went into his pocket and found his Whisper 2000 set. He then put a blank cassette in it so he could tape the conversation and present it to the police when he had the chance.
They continued their conversation.
"I don’t think we’ll have to consult with Danny Dangerfield on this one, Cloe."
"You mean we should go ahead and murder this guy without planning ahead?"
"Yes, and I think we should get off on the next stop since that’s where Frank Caprelli lives. Once we get off, we’ll go to this house and kill the bastard!"
"That’ll teach the bum to snoop around our place, eh?"
When the two thugs finished their conversation they made their way towards the side door of the bus. Harvey went to the front door so he wouldn’t be in the way of the two would-be criminals.
Once all three men were out of the large vehicle, they all progressed down the street where Frank Caprelli was supposed to be living on. The two thugs were chatting again to each other as they quickly approached the house of Frank Caprelli.
"There it is!" said Cloe.
"Well, what the hell are we waiting for? Let’s go kill that son-of-a-bitch!"
As soon as they went into the house, Harvey darted furiously to the nearest pay phone. He quickly dialed 911 for the quickest reply from the police.
"Hello, police? I’d like to report a murder that’s gonna happen at 225 Vine Street!"
"I’m sorry, what was the address?"
"225 Vine Street. I saw two guys go in the house with guns and they’re ready to kill some guy because he knows something about their crooked business."
"I don’t know if that’s enough evidence for the police!"
"Then listen to this!"
Harvey played the tape of the conversation to the police officer who immediately reacted by saying, "Stay where you are. We’re coming there immediately!"
The police officer then rounded up his men and said, "It’s time to kick ass!"
It only took a few minutes for the police (NYPD) to arrive on the scene.
"Are you the guy that called?"
"No, I’m just standing here because the New York Yankees want me to impersonate Roseanne Barr singing the Star-Spangled Banner. Of course I’m the one who called. And they went in that house."
"Thanks a lot!" said the policeman.
Meanwhile, in the house of Frank Caprelli, the two thugs had just found Frank and threatened to kill him if he didn’t keep his mouth shut.
But then, Inspector Dirty Harry Calahan arrived on the scene and shot both thugs right between the eyes with his 44 Magnum and it only took one bullet. It was a gruesome sight.
The police then covered the bodies and came out with them under their arms.
Dirty Harry thanked Harvey for his quick thinking but Harvey still had one thing on his mind that he wanted to clear up.
"Harry," he said, "I thought you were a cop in San Francisco! What gives?"
"Go ahead, make my day!" replied Harry.
After these series of events, Harvey Bergman was honoured as an honourary detective of the NYPD. He then quit his job and became known as Harvey "The Squealer" Bergman.
As for Danny Dangerfield, his business is still running though. But not for long.
UPDATE: Paragraph 5 has been revised because of a necessary change that’s, ahem, long overdue. My original email address has been marked for extinction and therefore won’t be mentioned in any capacity on this site any longer. Originally, in that paragraph, I mentioned two email addresses which readers could use to contact me; only one of which sounded professional. (The other inspired countless snickers.) After much contemplation, email@example.com will be the sole address I’ll be using with regards to this website. Thank you for your understanding.