Natalie Portman: Another Hot Girl I Won’t Be Getting

Oh, Natalie Portman.  You tantalizing shiksa, you.  You’re one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood.  It simply doesn’t matter whether your hair is long, short or temporarily shaved off, you always look elegant to me.  Let’s face it.  Pregnant or not, you’re completely incapable of taking a bad photo.

But alas, you’re off the market.  People Magazine is reporting that you’ve married some French guy who you met on the set of Black Swan a couple of years ago.  Apparently he was the choreographer for the movie.  (Big deal.  I was Mo The Hawk.  Deal with that, Millepied!)  And yeah, you won a Best Actress Oscar for playing the lead.   So, one good thing came out of that experience.

And now my heart is broken.  Whatever will I do?

I’ll tell you what I won’t be doing.  I won’t be enjoying the pleasure of your company as you recall your experiences at Harvard.  (Oh, to wonder about your stint as a research assistant for the controversial attorney/author Alan Dershowitz.)  I’ll never know what it was really like for you to be a famous movie star trying to blend in with the student body as you went on to graduate with a degree in psychology.  (By the way, if you were hoping to take over for Dr. Phil in the near future, be my guest.  He’s useless.  Besides, you’re much smarter and look way better bald.)  From the little I’ve read of your time there, it sounds like it was a mostly positive experience.

I’ll never learn firsthand about your early life in Israel and how you ended up in various parts of the United States.  It must’ve been a pain to make friends in one city only to have to move somewhere else because of your dad’s job.  (How long has he been a fertility specialist, by the way?)  I’m under the impression, however, that you’ve never had a problem forging new platonic relationships while maintaining the old.  It’s a nice quality to have.

Speaking of nice, it’s pretty cool that our birthdays are a day apart.  I was born June 8 and you came into the world on the 9th.  Granted, you’re six years younger than me but still, that’s nifty.

I’ll also never get the chance to learn intimate details about all your film experiences.  It must’ve been daunting to work with Gary Oldman, Jack Nicholson, Woody Allen, Susan Sarandon, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Val Kilmer, Matt Dillon, Uma Thurman and Rosie O’Donnell on various projects all before your 20th birthday.  But it must’ve been a lot of fun, too.  (Were you disappointed you didn’t get to do William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet?  How could you have been too young for the part when Miss Capulet is a young teenager?)

I understand you have a keen fascination for languages.  (Are you fluent in more than two?)  How sad that I’ll never have the privilege of hearing you talk dirty to me in Hebrew.

How cool that you learned how to dance as a wee lass.  What was that like?  Did you take tap like I did many moons ago?  If so, I wonder which of us would do a superior cramp walk.  Alas, I’ll never know.

We would’ve talked about any subject you desired, be it politics (we’d probably argue a lot about the Democrats and Israel), entertainment (why the huge jones for the late Patrick Swayze?) or anything else worth dissecting and pontificating (example:  is there really a difference between being a vegan and a vegetarian?), or simply drop that whole idea and make sweet love to each other for hours on end.  Either works for me.

But much to my terminal chagrin, you’ve chosen another and have already made a baby together. 

It’s just as well.  I wouldn’t pass your parents’ vetting.  Natalie Portman, you’re another hot girl I won’t be getting.

(Congratulations on being a mom and the new marriage.  Many happy returns, young lady.)

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
2:49 a.m.

The Most Beautiful Cast On Television

Sometimes I wish I was a high-ranking CW mogul
So I could spend all my time sighing around beautiful Kate Voegele

There’s another young lady who has a remarkable tush
She’s a husky-voiced hottie named Sophia Bush

If we were football players, I’d live for her tackles
Instead I shyly pine away for sexy Danneel Ackles

Ditto this hot blonde who always delivers the goods
That milfilicious sexpot, Barbara Alyn Woods

My lusting is far from over, I’m not even close to being done
I wonder if I’d ever have a shot with pretty Alison Munn

She’d be annoyed by my staring and you really couldn’t blame her
But I can’t help being mesmerized by the adorable Jana Kramer

There’s not much in life of which I am certain
Except my terminal crush on the dazzling Hilarie Burton

It’s not often you see someone who makes you think, “Wow!”
But it’s the best way to describe the desirable Kelsey Chow

Standing close to this next babe, I’d look and feel like Gonzo
I’m really quite taken with the alluring Daniella Alonzo

A once cynical Goth, I’m sure to find solace
In the warmhearted embrace of cuddly Amber Wallace

If I was with this next gal, my words I wouldn’t mince
I’d be open and honest with the irresistible Bevin Prince

She shares my birthday and is way cooler than Menudo
It’s easy to have affection for the Greek goddess, Maria Menounos

Seeing her play a delusional stalker, she’s anything but dull
But off-camera, I’m betting she’s nicer, the lovely Amanda Schull

I wish I had a license so I could be her personal chauffeur
She’s elegant and slinky, the beguiling India de Beaufort

I really should do some crunches so I can flatten my belly
And dance the night away with the ageless Moira Kelly

If I was rich and together I’d come courting in a Mercedes Benz
But the delectable Joy Galeotti is married. 
Hey, isn’t her maiden name Lenz?

Does she love stand-up comedy?  I could do my bit on ovaltine
She really is a shiksa, that lovable Lisa Goldstein

She played a psychotic babysitter with a healthy libido
In real life, she’s a scrumptious vixen named Torrey DeVito

I don’t like paying retail, in fact, I’d rather pay less
But I’d probably spend a fortune to woo tasty Katherine Bailess

In the big, bad world, you better watch your back, son
Life’s more comfortable
If you’re dating the delicious Sasha Jackson

I hope she’s a cougar but I’m pretty sure I’m wrong
I’ve long been an admirer of cutie pie Bess Armstrong

I love playing poker like announcer Vince Van Patten
But I’d rather get close
To the athletically sculpted Shantel VanSanten

She’s played two memorable characters who croaked on TV
She’d be fun to flirt with, the Teutonic doll named Sheryl Lee

I wonder what music she likes and whether she’s a fan of Alanis
Either way, I’d have a hard time
Concentrating around Michaela McManus

The awesomely rebellious sister with a body built for sin
In character she’s quite the temptress
That naughty Lindsey McKeon

She’s never bloody awful
In fact her presence is always great to see
Have long had a soft spot for the graceful Daphne Z

She has lit a flame in my heart that constantly flickers
It’s not awkward to acknowledge the delicious Ashley Rickards

She should change the name of her website to Canadianfox.ca
The smouldering Nikki who melts my TV? 
That’s Emmanuelle Vaugier

This stunning Clean Teen’s been acting since the age of trois
I’d have a hard time being articulate 
Around the now seductive Elizabeth Harnois

To the few I’ve forgotten, I’ve put myself in a difficult position
So let me acknowledge you all
As The Most Beautiful Cast On Television

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Thursday, September 29, 2011
8:04 p.m.

Katy Perry: Another Hot Girl I Won’t Be Getting

Oh, Katy Perry.  You big-eyed, big-bosomed pop star, you.  You had to do it.  You had to become unavailable and unattainable.  You had to break my heart by marrying a recovering sex addict.  That really hurts.

And now, we won’t be getting together.  I’ll never get to experience what your new husband is lucky enough to enjoy now:  the pleasure of your company. 

I’ll never learn firsthand about your struggles to make it in the record business (you were signed to 4 labels in almost a decade) and how you began as a Christian performer who gradually evolved into the sexually charged hitmaker you’ve become.  I’ll never become fodder for your material.  I’ll never be your muse.

I’ll never get to experience the sheer excitement of seeing you bouncing up and down for no reason whatsoever.  I’ll never learn why your chesty existence is too much for puppets.  And I’ll never be honoured with a private, impromptu performance.  Maybe you would’ve belted out something from an Italian opera.

Oh, the fun we could’ve had, Katy.  The long, intimate talks.  The quiet strolls down the street with my right hand in your left.  The endless makeout sessions.  The anatomical explorations. 

Your loss.

But alas, you’ve chosen another, someone far more experienced in these matters than this timid Canadian.  And yeah, I know.  The British accent is irresistible.  I get it.  And he’s employed.  And not living at home.  You’re killing me here.

How cool it would’ve been to help you catch up with the history of rock after a strict childhood deprived you of its emotional highs and comforting, cathartic tones.  I’d introduce you to some fantastic Canadian groups like Mobile, The Arcade Fire, Billy Talent and so many others, past and present.  You would learn so much so quickly.  (I seduce through useless trivia.)  We would bond over Jagged Little Pill, an important influence on your songwriting.

I’ll never learn about your experience within the perfume business.  (I like the name you’ve chosen for your upcoming fragrance:  Purr.  Sounds cute.)  And I’ll certainly be missing out on all the inside information you’re sure to have after making your feature film debut in The Smurfs next year.  I’m dying to know what you’ll look like as Smurfette.  I’m sure Elmo would faint at the sight of you.

We could’ve been something together, Lady Katherine.  But you’ve chosen a different path.  Hopefully, it’s the one that leads you to a lifetime of happiness.

It’s just as well.  When you’re a neurotic honky, you’re always fretting.  Katy Perry, you’re another hot girl I won’t be getting.

(Congratulations on your new marriage and good luck with your career.)

Dennis Earl

Hamilton, Ontario, Canada

Sunday, October 24, 2010

2:58 p.m.

Odette Yustman: Another Hot Girl I Won’t Be Getting

Oh, Odette Yustman.  Your rosy dimples speak to me.  Your slinky body haunts me from afar.  Your smoldering dark hair and mysterious eyes add to your allure.   Your ruby red lips look as soft as pillows.

But you’ve broken my heart.  After an 18-month courtship, you’ve married the hunky Dave Annable.  Oh, if only you preferred this stay-at-home nerd with bad posture and scary choppers.  If only your taste was questionable.

But it isn’t.  You prefer the independent hunks with steady employment.  You want to make good-looking babies who aren’t neurotic and suffer from numerous food intolerances.  I understand.  I could never give you what you need.

Now that you’re off the market, I’ll never get to hear you whisper something sexy to me in fluent Spanish.  I’ll be missing out on all the gossip from the video shoot you did with Weezer and I’ll never hear your deeply personal Kindergarten Cop anecdotes. 

To put it simply, I’ll never get the privilege of getting close to you and knowing who you really are.  But as long as you keep making movies (hopefully better ones than The Unborn which wasn’t your fault), I’ll continue to admire your adorable attributes from a comfortable distance and imagine that there’s something special I’m missing out on.

It’s just as well.  If I stood next to you, I’d only be sweating.  Odette Yustman, you’re another hot girl I won’t be getting.

(Congratulations on your marriage and good luck with your career, young lady.  Many happy returns.)

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Monday, October 11, 2010
11:53 p.m.