Oh, Natalie Portman. You tantalizing shiksa, you. You’re one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood. It simply doesn’t matter whether your hair is long, short or temporarily shaved off, you always look elegant to me. Let’s face it. Pregnant or not, you’re completely incapable of taking a bad photo.
But alas, you’re off the market. People Magazine is reporting that you’ve married some French guy who you met on the set of Black Swan a couple of years ago. Apparently he was the choreographer for the movie. (Big deal. I was Mo The Hawk. Deal with that, Millepied!) And yeah, you won a Best Actress Oscar for playing the lead. So, one good thing came out of that experience.
And now my heart is broken. Whatever will I do?
I’ll tell you what I won’t be doing. I won’t be enjoying the pleasure of your company as you recall your experiences at Harvard. (Oh, to wonder about your stint as a research assistant for the controversial attorney/author Alan Dershowitz.) I’ll never know what it was really like for you to be a famous movie star trying to blend in with the student body as you went on to graduate with a degree in psychology. (By the way, if you were hoping to take over for Dr. Phil in the near future, be my guest. He’s useless. Besides, you’re much smarter and look way better bald.) From the little I’ve read of your time there, it sounds like it was a mostly positive experience.
I’ll never learn firsthand about your early life in Israel and how you ended up in various parts of the United States. It must’ve been a pain to make friends in one city only to have to move somewhere else because of your dad’s job. (How long has he been a fertility specialist, by the way?) I’m under the impression, however, that you’ve never had a problem forging new platonic relationships while maintaining the old. It’s a nice quality to have.
Speaking of nice, it’s pretty cool that our birthdays are a day apart. I was born June 8 and you came into the world on the 9th. Granted, you’re six years younger than me but still, that’s nifty.
I’ll also never get the chance to learn intimate details about all your film experiences. It must’ve been daunting to work with Gary Oldman, Jack Nicholson, Woody Allen, Susan Sarandon, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Val Kilmer, Matt Dillon, Uma Thurman and Rosie O’Donnell on various projects all before your 20th birthday. But it must’ve been a lot of fun, too. (Were you disappointed you didn’t get to do William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet? How could you have been too young for the part when Miss Capulet is a young teenager?)
I understand you have a keen fascination for languages. (Are you fluent in more than two?) How sad that I’ll never have the privilege of hearing you talk dirty to me in Hebrew.
How cool that you learned how to dance as a wee lass. What was that like? Did you take tap like I did many moons ago? If so, I wonder which of us would do a superior cramp walk. Alas, I’ll never know.
We would’ve talked about any subject you desired, be it politics (we’d probably argue a lot about the Democrats and Israel), entertainment (why the huge jones for the late Patrick Swayze?) or anything else worth dissecting and pontificating (example: is there really a difference between being a vegan and a vegetarian?), or simply drop that whole idea and make sweet love to each other for hours on end. Either works for me.
But much to my terminal chagrin, you’ve chosen another and have already made a baby together.
It’s just as well. I wouldn’t pass your parents’ vetting. Natalie Portman, you’re another hot girl I won’t be getting.
(Congratulations on being a mom and the new marriage. Many happy returns, young lady.)
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Wednesday, August 8, 2012