Virus (1999)

Virus is a stupid-ass horror film that’s aware it’s a stupid-ass horror film, which is not as much fun as it sounds.  Characters occasionally comment on the dumbness of their decision making but still follow through with their bad choices making it very hard to sympathize.

Donald Sutherland, with a bad Irish lilt that seems to drift in and out, captains the usual diverse ragtag group of working class sailors as they foolishly attempt to drag some fragile cargo in the middle of a goddamn typhoon with just their tiny tugboat.

With the storm raging and the waves rising to uncomfortable heights, he stubbornly insists they keep going as scheduled because for some reason he decided to invest all of his money in this shit and didn’t bother to get insurance.  Why he thought this was a good idea goes unexplained but considering how out of it he looks in the early going that probably says it all.

Crew member William Baldwin bemoans getting suckered with this clown yet again especially after Sutherland pulls a gun on him.  Don’t override the captain’s inanity, buddy boy.  But Baldwin’s right.  Unfortunately, nature is way ahead of him.  Before he can do it himself the flimsy chain barely connecting the tug with the loot inevitably snaps and there goes the captain’s investment right down the proverbial drain.

Once they steer into the eye, all is calm but now they’ve all just wasted their time and energy on a failed voyage.  However, hope is detected on radar.  A giant-ass Russian ship, one designed for science experiments, is harmlessly floating in still waters.  No one responds to their “ahoys”.  So, Sutherland orders his men and Jamie Lee Curtis to gather some weapons and flashlights.  They’re headed aboard.

Two characters openly acknowledge serious reservations expressing what the audience is already secretly thinking but don’t bail on their new mission.  Unbeknownst to these boobs, we know what happened to this ship.  Some weird energy source – “smart lightning”, if you will – attacked it as well as the MIR space station.

On what was supposed to be a routine mission of some sort (things are so boring two people find time to play a game of long distance chess while working), this mysterious entity sweeps into view from space wrecking everything in its path while effectively taking over control of the ship like an insidious computer virus but with a lot more intelligence unless you shut the power off and then it has to wait until some imbecile flicks the on switch again before returning to villainy.

Sutherland is thrilled that no one appears to be alive.  He thinks he can salvage this dead vessel for a shitload of dough, 300 million to be split amongst his now appreciative crew.  Curtis reminds him that if they do find even a single Russian here, there goes that plan.

And sure enough, there’s a gas-masked Joanna Pacula, popping out of a locker, blasting her machine gun at them not realizing she’s wasting ammo.

Of course, when she explains what happened, no one believes her, not even Curtis.  But Sutherland, already established as an out-to-lunch dimwit, is the most skeptical.  Taking a page out of every cop movie before it, he pulls out that pistol again demanding she start speaking “the truth”.  Thankfully, he never gets to use it.

Baldwin orders one of his fellow crew members to get down to the engine room which turns out to a moronic idea in its own right.  And two others start exploring the bowels of the ship realizing the Russians weren’t taking any chances.

We’re told there are dozens of labs here but we only ever see one where a variety of robots, including some that resemble spiders, appear to be autonomous and working on some nefarious scheme which soon becomes more clear.

Based on a graphic novel series, Virus is basically the first two Aliens crossed with The Terminator and Robocop set on the high seas but with mostly bad special effects and no real genuine scares.  Even before the numbers inevitably decline, I correctly predicted who would survive although the movie does tease another survivor before pulling the always unwelcome “it was only a dream” bit.

Once he sees with his own wide eyes what’s really going on, Sutherland hatches plan C. He decides to align with this enigmatic heel which can conveniently communicate in English so he can still, in his mind, anyway, save the ship for potential sale. Should’ve pulled that trigger when you the chance.

In a moment that unintentionally serves as real-life regret, after losing the cargo Sutherland retreats to his chambers and pulls out a book with something hidden inside. He opens it and stares at what looks like an old head shot of the actor during his younger days.

“I’ve let you down, lad,” he whispers mournfully.

Too on the nose, captain.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Friday, October 22, 2021
2:31 a.m.

Her Alibi (1989)

How desperate is Phil Blackwood? A prolific mystery novelist, he hasn’t had a hit in 4 years. Still wounded by his divorce (his wife left him for a critic), there are no more muses in his life. Then, he spots Nina.

A striking Romanian woman, she has her own problems to deal with. Indicted for murder, she speaks no English and is facing all kinds of pressure to confess. But she is defiant and uncooperative, an alluring mystery with a curious talent for knife throwing. Phil can’t take his eyes off her.

Why is he even attending her court hearing? Unable to come up with any original ideas on his own, he needs new source material to fuel his long running series of fictional tales centering Peter Swift, an improbably suave and sophisticated PI with more ethics than his creator. He never gets involved with a client.

As played by a briefly bearded Tom Selleck, Phil is a shady creep more than willing to misrepresent himself to get closer to a cornered Nina (Paulina Porizkova), but more importantly he’s overly eager to swipe her dilemma, rewrite it and claim it as his own.

Showing up at a women’s prison suddenly with just a mustache, Phil dresses as a priest hoping to get a “confession” out of the facility’s newest resident. After struggling to speak Romanian himself, Nina predictably reveals she can speak English after all, sparing him from further embarrassment.

In serious shit with authorities in two countries, Phil makes her an offer she can’t refuse. He suggests they pretend to be having an affair to give her a much needed alibi. A detective played by James Farentino sees right through the ruse but is overruled by the exhausted assistant DA who wants nothing to do with the case. He’s got too many on his plate as it is. His department is seriously backlogged. Besides, it’s a political grenade he doesn’t want to land on.

Upon her release, Nina tries to ditch Phil, but upon realizing she will continue to be followed by some very determined KGB agents who have already failed to break her down during a brief interaction following her arrest, she sticks with her fake paramour. (It will not be the only time she attempts to flee.) Now inspired, the crime author who also dabbles in erotica feverishly documents his experiences with her but with severe revisionist editing and a whole lot of whitewashing.

For you see, Phil is nothing like Peter Swift. He’s clumsy and paranoid, the very opposite of his fictionalized alter ego. There’s a running joke involving Phil narrating passages of his developing story emphasizing the many strengths of his hero to overcompensate for simultaneously seen moments where the real man stumbles and falls, or in one ugly scene, takes an arrow in the ass and screams like a bitch. Where the sweaty Phil is hesitant, the encyclopedic Peter is cocksure and assertive.

There’s another running gag involving his deep-rooted fear that he accidentally bailed out a murderer. Any time he sees her with a pair of scissors (the weapon found plunged in the victim’s heart) or a very sharp knife, he freaks out. Every time she throws a blade at the wall, he thinks he’s done for. Jesus, where are all those giant bugs coming from? Get a bug guy already.

This is one of those movies where if only someone would take the time to explain what’s actually going on it would lead to an immediate conclusion. But Nina refuses to talk, much to the growing irritation of her conflicted host. As the ancient formula dictates, when a couple first pretends to be besotted with each other real feelings will eventually emerge. And just as they draw closer, a “shocking” discovery will lead to a big fight and a brief separation.

During a disastrous dinner involving Phil’s family and his worried editor (William Daniels) who ponders a horrifying stint in prison for going along with the phony alibi story (cue the awful rape jokes), an enormous contrivance leads to a very wrongheaded conclusion and an unnecessary, collective medical procedure.

Nina discovers Phil’s manuscript and becomes royally pissed. Feeling understandably used, she storms out. But when Phil learns where she’ll be, he reconnects with her and she acts like the incident never happened. Flashing a happy smile, suddenly, it’s makeout time. Talk about letting an asshole off the hook.

Her Alibi was directed by the Australian director Bruce Beresford who also made Driving Miss Daisy, both released in 1989, making him one of the select few to direct a Razzie contender and an Oscar winner in the same year. The angelic Porizkova didn’t really deserve her Worst Actress nomination. It’s not her fault she’s not given any funny lines to say. (The only laugh comes from the nervous editor’s wife.) Her Romanian accent is credible. The problem is her character. She’s overly secretive for reasons that aren’t logical at all. If I know I’m putting a stranger in danger by merely living in his giant house I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be so tight-lipped about it. Furthermore, I would be declaring my innocence right from the start.

Her classified nature frustrates Selleck who alternates between lusting for her and fearing she will kill him because she refuses to set the record straight. He even has a bizarre dream where she comes to his bedroom looking like a Kiss groupie while wielding both a knife and a pair of scissors. He wakes up in a cold sweat forgetting that he’s already locked his door and slid his dresser in front of it for extra protection, totally unnecessary precautions.

It’s annoyingly obvious she’s not going to kill him, most especially in the scene where a bomb launches him out his back door. Why would the wannabe assassin try to off someone while sticking around to take a dip in the pool, especially since she’s already under suspicion for an actual murder?

The Nina storyline curiously mirrors Nadia Comaneci’s experience trying to defect to America having reached her breaking point with the authoritarian Ceaușescu government who attempted to control her every move and keep her in Romania. She finally made it to the States the same year Her Alibi was released. I would’ve rather seen a documentary about her journey.

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Tuesday, October 19, 2021
4:04 a.m.

Unresolved Tension

The silence solved nothing
Neither did engagement
Still locked in a loop
Of stormy reflections

Tornadic thoughts swirling
In a dizzying haze
Crashing into doubt
Muddying memories

Can’t pause the rotations
Breakneck momentum
Overwhelming collection
Of ongoing grievances

Refusal to reach out
Boundaries reinforced
Resenting the time wasting
Desperate for liberation

Foolish diversions
Inspired by nonsense
Maddening distractions
From the pursuit of pleasure

This unresolved tension
Burning uncontrollably
There is no solution
There is only letting go

Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Sunday, October 2, 2021
7:07 p.m.