It was a blatant scam from the start. Five beautiful, seductively attired women preaching a “feminist” message of “Girl Power” through their empty, sometimes confusing pop songs about boys (but never politics) that nonetheless found a very receptive global audience. Thankfully, it didn’t last.
If the fraud of The Spice Girls wasn’t already detected in their inescapable music at the height of their fame in the late 1990s, it became undeniably exposed in one movie.
Spice World, also the name of their second record, was supposed to be their Hard Day’s Night. (Stop laughing.) Released in January 1998, the passage of time has not been kind to this deadly dull cinematic infomerical. Watching very talented actors constantly pretend that this standard pop act is an incredibly big deal 15 years after the fact is more than a little embarrassing. In fact, it’s downright tragic.
The movie follows Emma (the blonde one), Victoria (the posh one), Geri (the vivacious one), Mel B (the black one) and Mel C (the athletic one) through their absolutely boring day-to-day adventures as pop stars of the moment, a moment that thankfully ended just a couple years after this dreadful movie’s mercifully brief theatrical release.
When they’re not flying to one-off TV gigs in Italy, they’re riding around England in an admittedly cool, Union Jacked double decker bus driven by Meat Loaf (I’m not kidding) rehearsing, touring and promoting with little time off, much to their annoyance (even though their job, as depicted in this movie, hardly looks taxing).
Richard E. Grant plays their stodgy road manager, the uptight keeper of their ever important schedule who every once in a while takes bizarre calls from the group’s real boss, a mysterious all-knowing Svengali (Roger Moore of all people). While stroking a cat or nursing a pig in an undisclosed location (channeling Dr. Evil, perhaps?), he offers him peculiar advice over a special phone line. I couldn’t decide if he was talking in code in case of surveillance by competitors (or in today’s environment, the GCHQ and the NSA) or supremely dumb riddles just to fuck with his underling. Regardless, nothing he says is particularly clever or amusing. Furthermore, he’s never completely understood anyway which completely defeats the purpose of his existence. The ever anxious Grant is given even less to work with as he’s constantly made to be stricter than he actually is. Is it really so horrible to tell your obnoxious clients to honour breezy professional commitments on time?
Alan Cumming plays a pretentious TV documentarian who foolishly believes there’s more to The Spice Girls than their brain-dead superficiality, so he’s allowed (along with a boom guy and a cameraman) to cover their lives behind the scenes. Judging by what his crew captures, I’m amazed he didn’t cancel the project after the first day. These ladies are extremely dull.
Meanwhile, a weird tabloid editor sick of all their positive press coverage (who wasn’t back in the day?) is convinced there’s more money to be made in their inevitable downfall (not really). So, he hires a bald, bespectacled freelance paparazzo to catch them at their worst without being detected. As a result, a purposefully misunderstood remark about the Pope, collective nerves about their upcoming sold out Royal Albert Hall gig and an incident involving two young contest winners (the closest the tabloid comes to doing an actual news story on them) are covered just as breathlessly as their remarkable commercial successes.
In the end, no one cares. The group’s stature is unaffected by all this moronic overcoverage. In sharper hands, this whole concept could’ve led to some insightful digs at overly nosy “news” organizations who probably wouldn’t appreciate having the same hyperfocus put on them for similiar trivial endeavours they find so utterly fascinating when undertaken by celebrities, and on the group themselves for constantly courting all this undeserved media attention in the first place. But Spice World prefers to be lazy so this opportunity for potential comic riches is sadly ignored.
At the same time, Grant entertains several movie pitches from two hapless writers (George Wendt and Mark McKinney) desperately hoping to cash in on The Spice Girls’ fleeting fame. Sadly, their ideas are no better than Spice World itself. Curiously, their last extended pitch in the third act somehow happens to the singers as they’re talking about it. Let’s just say that if I was Graham Yost, I wouldn’t be flattered by the homage.
Their irritatingly familiar hits notwithstanding (just because you’ve heard them a million times doesn’t mean they’re any good, although I will concede that the hook for one early track is catchy), Spice World is probably better known for its numerous celebrity cameos than anything else. Bob Geldof gets an unfortunate instant Mel B. makeover at a social function, Elton John gets a lot of kisses (but not a single line of dialogue) during a brief encounter with the group (another blown moment for a quick comic pay-off), and Elvis Costello pops up as a bartender in the only moment that made me laugh.
I don’t know if it speaks well for all their talk of “Girl Power” that their only friend in the movie is an abandoned pregnant woman who they barely see. Or that they only have one female working for them. Or that the idea of flashing one’s boobs to wake a hospitalized boy out of his coma is seriously contemplated. Or that potential male suitors should be ordered like delivered pizzas. What I do know is this is a terrible movie that cemented their empty legacy as overgrown teenagers completely disinterested in actual feminist issues.
Spice World is the worst kind of ego trip, one devoid of a strong satirical pulse and a sense of fun. In this universe, The Spice Girls can do no wrong other than aggravate their temperamental road manager like convincing Meat Loaf to pull over so they can pee in the woods. (Don’t ask.) So full of themselves are the singers that when they encounter a small group of aliens (during that same pit stop) who have just landed in the UK, they discover these four odd individuals are overly excited superfans who regret not getting those Albert Hall tickets in advance. Yes, The Spice Girls are so arrogant in this scenario they attract supporters beyond planet Earth.
If only reality were so kind. Just a few months after this pitiful excuse of a movie’s release, Geri Halliwell left the group. And by the time they released a new album in 2000, the dream was over.
Too bad it ever came true in the first place.
Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Sunday, June 23, 2013
6:42 p.m.
CORRECTION: Obviously, I meant to say George Wendt, not Norm Wendt. That weird moment when you confuse the actor and their most famous role. The text has been corrected. I regret not noticing this sooner.
Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Tuesday, August 1, 2017
2:55 a.m.
THE WRITINGS OF DENNIS EARL 
Why The Obama Administration Is Scared Of Edward Snowden
Standing up to a powerful bully is the essence of courage. Why? Because you risk losing everything.
To throw away a steady pay cheque and a comfortable lifestyle in order to forcefully combat human injustice on a grand scale entirely on your own is not something most citizens would ever consider a good idea, no matter their level of decency, their desire to support noble causes and their need to right incredible wrongs. To replace your regular life for a different one on the run from the very parties you’ve exposed as less than savoury is asking a lot of one individual. To be willing to face the reality of apprehension for those very actions and then face a considerable amount of time incarcerated (we’re talking decades behind bars), not to mention the possibility of torture and even death, is asking for even more.
And yet, throughout the centuries, there have been numerous examples of ordinary people taking it upon themselves to reveal extraordinary truths we otherwise would never know about, extraordinary truths that end up connecting notable political figures to criminal activity and changing history. These brave whistleblowers knew the risks to their own health and freedom before they broke their silence but spoke out anyway for the greater good. The truth mattered more than anything else.
Edward Snowden, the former NSA/Booz Allen Hamilton analyst, is a worthy addition to this growing list. Ever since he publicly admitted he’s been the source for many damning articles about The Obama Administration’s super creepy (and super secret) mass surveillance programs for The Guardian newspaper, he’s been public enemy number one as far as establishment Washington is concerned.
Not only have government officials libelled him as a “traitor” and destroyer of their allegedly successful “anti-terrorism” snooping policies (which have never really been properly scrutinized by the court system and have never really been proven to be all that effective, either) blow job journalists like Meet The Press host David Gregory and The New Yorker’s Jeffrey Toobin have also lambasted him for his disclosures, absurdly citing him as selfish, reckless and even a “narcissist”. (Keep sucking that government cock, fellas. It’s sure to pay off for you someday.)
As more revelations about these disturbing and far-reaching Big Brother programs continue to trickle out almost every day now, thanks to Snowden, for the first time in quite some time, the American federal government is looking and feeling quite powerless, like they just got their legs cut off. Imagine, one citizen scaring the shit out of the most powerful politicians in the world by merely telling everybody with proof what transparent, hypocritical phonies they really are. Maybe privatization of the intelligence business wasn’t so wise after all.
Since Snowden revealed he was hiding out in Hong Kong, China to avoid the fate that currently befalls another honourable whistleblower, the still incarcerated Private First Class Bradley Manning (an army intelligence analyst, it should be noted), Obama and his cronies have demanded his head on a stick, hoping the country that America has been secretly hacking for years will play ball and give him up.
Amazingly, they didn’t. As revealed today by The Guardian, Snowden left China for Russia (despite having his passport revoked by America, according to The Huffington Post) and is reportedly headed towards Ecuador to seek political asylum from the same country that is also protecting WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange who remains stuck in their UK embassy after a year in seclusion. America wants his head on a stick, as well.
To witness numerous government officials, Republican and Democrat alike, cry foul over everything Snowden has done to permanently puncture their bubble of secrecy has been nothing short of amusing. They’re not used to being challenged like this, they’re not used to being disbelieved, and they’re certainly not used to being on the defensive. As a result, they’re doing something they never thought they would ever do: talk about their shady actions in public while pretending they’re not shady at all.
Honestly, before Snowden leaked all those NSA documents, when did President Obama ever entertain a healthy, public debate on the issue of surveillance? When did Senators Dianne Feinstein, Mike Rogers, Lindsay Graham and their like-minded colleagues ever desire to openly advocate for mass spying? And when did Congressmen like Peter King ever feel the need to express their support for invading everyone’s privacy?
The answer to all three questions is the same: never. These democratically elected officials who’ve all sworn an oath to honour and protect the American Constitution never sought the input of their concerned constituents, never asked for helpful advice, never listened to their consciences (if they even have them) and never consulted experts on how best to balance security with privacy.
And why didn’t they do this? Because deep down, they didn’t want to. These cowardly politicians want more power than they deserve and they know full well that public exposure of these constitutionally dubious programs invites unwanted scrutiny. And what happens when something doesn’t withstand that scrutiny? It withers under the sunlight and dies a sorry death.
Whether they accept it or not, it’s not business as usual anymore. Their secrets are quickly getting out in the open and a lot of people, particularly foreign leaders (in a number of cases, we’re talking allies who have also been privately spied on) are demanding big time explanations. The ones being offered so far are laughable in the extreme. No one’s anger has dissipated.
Things have gone so horribly wrong for President Obama lately that according to this disturbing McClatchy report he’s hoping to end these politically damaging leaks for good by secretly implementing a new across-the-board government policy called Insider Threat. For a President who never prosecutes leakers who reveal classified information that glorifies him (like the Bin Laden assassination), just those who reveal his criminal actions (like Manning and Snowden), it’s the ultimate sign of desperate paranoia. He’s definitely beyond Nixon at this point.
Edward Snowden is now the 7th government whistleblower to be officially charged by Obama under the draconian Espionage Act, an incredibly open-ended statute that only exists because President Woodrow Wilson didn’t want anybody questioning America’s involvement in World War I. (How it’s lasted all these decades without being either modified or repealed, I’ll never know.) Now it’s being used to punish patriots deeply appalled by their President’s conduct. If you don’t believe me, just ask John Kiriakou, the only man to go to jail for torture. Not for committing it, mind you, but for talking about it.
The good news is because this story has become such a global sensation Obama’s latest attempt at a ruthless prosecution is now being seen as nothing more than a political persecution, an act of petty revenge by a scorned, discredited world leader, a man looking more and more like the physical embodiment of modern-day American political corruption.
No matter what Obama and his partners in crime believe now, the damage to their credibility is permanent and irreversible. They can’t hide their dubious, criminal programs from the public anymore. With lawsuits launched and bills proposed before Congress and The Senate, not to mention lots of relentlessly negative coverage and commentary, it’s only a matter of time before Prism, Tempora, Boundless Informant and all the rest of these hideously named programs face the cold stare of justice and see the worst of their excessive powers seriously curtailed.
And with more brutal revelations still to come on top of everything else that’s already been revealed about this President (don’t forget the heartbreaking hunger strike at Gitmo and the secret drone wars, to name but two of his ongoing travesties), how long will it be before Obama finds himself defending all his cruel, inhumane policies all by himself?
No wonder Sophia Bush’s hero is so terrified of whistleblowers like Edward Snowden.
Dennis Earl
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Monday, June 23, 2013
12:42 a.m.
- Commentary
- Politics
on June 24, 2013 at 12:42 am Comments (2)